Wetin Dey Happen?

A Magnificent Shame

2012-01-13T10:24:00.000+01:00

Following the scandal whichattended the purchase of Peugeot 407s by the NASS a few years ago, I wrote anarticle based on my own research which demonstrated that the contract for thesupply of those vehicles had been inflated by several hundred million naira. Ofcourse, this is Nigeria, and nobody goes to jail for corruption unless they’veseriously pissed off whoever happens to be Boss Hogg at that point in time sothe storm passed very quickly and quietly.

Shortly after winning hiselection in 2011, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (GEJ for short) our new resident BossHogg, declared that the subsidy on imported petroleum products was going tohave to go. He and his economic team headed by Finance Minister NgoziOkonjo-Iweala (NOI for short) and CBN Governor Sanusi Lamido Sanusi (SLS forshort) told us that the subsidy was crippling the government’s ability to spendon capital projects. The old arguments which had been trotted out bythen-President Olusegun Obasanjo’s (OBJ for short) economic team which was headedby (surprise-surprise) NOI against the retention of the subsidy were dusted off and trotted out to do their thing once more.

We couldn’t subsidiseconsumption, there was corruption in the system, removing the subsidy wouldlead to deregulation and we would see a sudden and sharp improvement in theability of the government to execute projects. Removing the subsidy would bethe magic bullet that would solve all our economic woes.

Naturally, people kicked againstremoving the one thing that allowed the entire country benefit from thestaggering wealth produced by the Niger-Delta and largely salted away in theforeign accounts of a few well-connected people over the years. So, we weretold that the date hadn’t been set, nut the government was looking at April2012 or thereabouts.

On January 1 2012, the PPPRAannounced that the subsidy on petrol (PMS for short) had been removed, PMS had therefore been deregulated and would now be sold at ₦141 per litre or such other price as the agency would announce from time to time. My immediate reaction was to wonder how you "deregulated" a product but still set its price, but that is just a little corner of the picture. There was widespread outrage at thetiming of the announcement and the incredible deception of the government.Transportation costs immediately skyrocketed, stranding several people who hadtravelled for the holidays. Commodities prices doubled. By January 2, peoplewere in the streets protesting loudly against the callousness of thegovernment’s decision.

Since then we’ve been treated tothe usual governmental hogwash, culminating in the most useless Presidentialgesture towards hard times since “Let them eat cake”. GEJ got on national TVand announced that basic salaries of office holders would be cut by 25%.Without going into the fact that it’s actually the horrendously hedonisticallowances of these people that bloat their salaries and not the basic pay, GEJdidn’t really say anything of substance in his speech.

NOI appeared on TV to tell usthat we were massively in debt, facing hard times, and removing the subsidywould free up funds to tackle national development. I don’t know about the restof you, but as far as I’m concerned, a Finance Minister who can draw up abudget allocating ₦1 billion to the feeding of the President and VP and their familiesin 2012, ₦300 million to buy cutlery, ₦200 million to water a garden, and ₦48million to buy newspapers and magazines for the VP and then turn around andtell the country we need to prepare for austerity measures simply can’t betaken seriously.

SLS then came on air and told usall (with nary a blink in his eye) that he’d been raising alarms aboutcorruption and rot in the subsidy regime for over a year. He told us that therewas massive fraud going on, with people falsifying documents and transhippingpetrol and so on. And then he threw up his hands and wailed that there was somuch money involved, people could be bribed and there was more or less nothingthe government could do to stop these fiends.

Ignoring the fact that the CBNGovernor himself had just told the world that the administration he worked inlacked the will power to tackle corruption, the proposed solution surely flewin the face of common sense. We all remember when OBJ told us people werestealing money from toll gates and the solution was to demolish the toll gates.Surely, the proper thing to do was to launch an investigation into the theft,and prosecute a few people, thus letting everyone know that stealing from theFG would not be tolerated? I marvelled at the special brand of lunatic logicthat one had to possess in order to see his solution as the right one. However,before anyone could debate the matter, all toll gates on federal highways weredemolished at the cost of ₦360 million. I did however believe that with thetransition of OBJ’s administration, that insane way of thinking was behind usfor good. I was sorely mistaken.

We have been told that thesubsidy bill for 2011 was ₦1.3 trillion. However, what was budgeted to coverthe subsidy was ₦248 billion. From SLS’ pronouncements, we can safely concludethat the higher figure is the result of monumental, staggering corruption.Surely the proper thing to do is to tackle the corruption and bring anyperpetrators to book? Wouldn’t that save the country billions and make thesubsidy immediately more affordable?

But no, the government’s solutionis to abolish the fund altogether. We have been told that there is a powerful“cabal” bent on retaining the subsidy for their own evil ends. We are told thatwe’ve been borrowing to fund the subsidy and this can no longer continue.Accordingly, this administration is basically telling us that it has beenborrowing to finance corruption and not only is it aware of what is going on,it has no intention of solving the problems it has identified, and would ratherabdicate its responsibilities altogether.

Now, I am economist, I hatedmaths in school and it hated me right back. I’m just a simple fellow with asimple brain but thanks to the marvels of modern science, I can rely onsoftware to crunch really big numbers for me, so here goes.

If we assume an averageproduction in 2011 of 1.5 million bpd of crude oil, sold at the government’sbudgeted price of $70 per barrel (and we all know the real figure is higherthan that) we can calculate that Nigeria earned around $38 billion sellingcrude oil in 2011. That’s ₦5.7 trillion using ₦150 to a dollar. Our totalbudget for 2011 was (wait for it) ₦4.4 trillion or thereabouts. That means thateven using the government’s traditionally lower than actual price, we shouldhave a surplus of over ₦2 trillion in last year’s budget from crude oil salesalone. This calculation doesn’t take internally generated revenue into account,and I have it on good authority that the FIRS had what one would call aphenomenal year. So, by my rudimentary calculations, although overshooting thebudgeted subsidy in 2011 by almost over a trillion buckaroos is extremelyalarming, we actually earned enough dosh to cover the amount and have a bitleft over.

So, I challenge SLS and NOI withtheir fancy degrees and letters after their names to tell me that I am wrong. Iwant them to explain how we’re operating a deficit budget despite earningstaggering sums of money. Did the world crude market tank in 2011? DidNigeria's crude production fall to around 10,000 bpd? Didn’t we collect anyincome or corporate taxes? I want them to tell me that there is somejustification for the rapacious borrowing that has seen our sovereign debt riseto over $33 billion dollars, our foreign reserves fall to $27 billion, and seenthe ECA balance drop to $0.00. I want them to tell us all how they justifypaying our federal legislators more money than the President of the United Statesof America.

I especially want them to explainthe magnificent shame of Nigeria being the only oil producer in the world whichrelies on imported petrol.

Can they?

Too Much Energy

2011-12-07T17:01:00.001+01:00

Recently, the Nigerian Senate passed a law banning gay marriage in Nigeria and stipulating a term in prison of 14 years for anyone guilty of the act. It further laid down stiff penalties for any religious establishment which dared to carry out a gay marriage. The Senate President dared the Brits and the Nortamericanos to challenge our right to legislate on how we wish to live, and the people cheered.

There is just one problem with this law: it is totally unnecessary. Nigerian law already only recognises as valid marriages between a man and a woman or two. (Two women, that is. We're not Indians.) As such, passing a law to ban that which was already not allowed was pointless in the extreme, and a waste of energy, time, and resources which could certainly have been put to better use. It's like the Senate passing a law to criminalise armed robbery.

I am no fan of homosexuals, and in my personal opinion, there has to be something seriously wrong with your wiring if takes the thought of sticking your penis into a man's ass to make you hard, but that's my opinion. And what two adults decide to do to each other in the privacy of their own home is hardly the sort of area any sane government would make a priority. It is certainly not the sort of thing a sane Nigerian legislature should be passing, in this climate, anyway.

We have far more pressing problems with our laws in general than gay marriage. For instance, did you know that by Nigerian law, the compensation due to a worker injured in the course of his work is 12 weeks pay or N1,280.00 (which ever is less)? That's what our Labour Act provides. The same Labour Act that has not been updated since it was passed in the 1970s. Also, a police officer wounded in the line of duty is entitled to N5,000.00.Yes, Five Thousand Naira is what a Nigerian cop can expect to be paid should he be stupid enough to get shot doing his job. Will that amount pay for an hour in a hospital? Is it any wonder then that our cops flee at the first sign of trouble?

Or how about the fact that bank statements are not admissible as evidence in a Nigerian court of law in the 21st century? Yes, our Evidence Act requires the provision of the "Banker's Book", you know, that ledger where they used to write down deposits and withdrawals against a person's name. The sort of thing that was in popular use until the 1800s or so when the rest of the world decided to embrace modern techniques of doing business and Nigeria was happy to remain behind.

Or how about the fact that a man is still more or less allowed to beat the living hell out of his wife in this country? A bill to prohibit domestic violence against women was thrown out by the Edo state House of Assembly in 2001 and I do believe one legislator remarked that domestic abuse was a foreign concept, and questioned how else a man was supposed to maintain discipline in his home if stripped of the tool of regular beatings. I agree with him, if there's not enough salt in the soup, she deserves a visit from Dr. Cat O'Nine Tails.

These are just some of the problem areas that can be redressed by the swift updating of our laws, but instead, our Senators are focused on gay marriage.

We have issues.

Mr. Mom

2011-11-28T11:26:00.001+01:00

“Women and children can be careless but notmen.” – Don VitoCorleone

The image ofwhat a father should be as espoused by Hollywood is certainly interesting. Bytheir reckoning, a father should be a mother as well. He should be willing tocheerlead for his kids, kiss their bandages when they have scrapes, and blowoff important business meetings so he can attend school plays. It is alsoimplied in the movies that if you don’t do all the above, you’re a bad father.

I waswatching Kramer vs. Kramer the otherday, and I was struck by how Mr Kramer, on being abandoned by his wife,struggled to combine the duties of father, mother, provider and carer for hisson. Of course, being America, when the child behaved like a total jackass, MrKramer was not allowed to give him the backhand he so richly deserved.

His workperformance began to suffer; he began missing deadlines, and was soon fired. Hisboss was portrayed as an unfeeling, uncaring son-of-a-bitch who refused tounderstand that raising a child was more important than keeping clients happy. Themovie made it clear that Kramer was putting his child’s demands ahead of hiscareer, and implied that you were meant to applaud him.

Gradually,Kramer became his son’s mother and movie audiences oohed and aahed. Career isnot important, family is. Never mind that the career is what allowed him toafford the nice apartment and toys and clothes and food and that at one pointhe was faced with the very real prospect of being unable to do so anymore. Weare meant to watch such movies and say, “Yes, this is what fatherhood isabout.”

And whatabout Mrs Kramer? She walked out on her husband because she felt misunderstood.He wasn’t abusive, wasn’t failing to provide for her and his son, wasn’trunning around with other women, wasn’t an alcoholic. The movie never exploredthe fact that her reasons for walking out on her husband AND her son weresuperfluous at best, and at worst extremely stupid. Had it been Mr Kramer whowalked out on his wife in those circumstances, the movie would have gone out ofits way to pillory him as the worst possible father and held him up as what notto be.

In her case,the movie expects you to understand her reasons and even sympathise with her.And, naturally, despite her walking out on her family without so much as a byyour leave and disappearing for 18 months, the judge awards her custody of thechild and orders Mr Kramer (who has at this point sacrificed his career for hisson) to pay child support and maintenance. The movie ends with her acknowledgingthat she can’t really take care of the boy, but puts her refusal to take himdown to her realisation that he is already home.

Anyoneremember the episode of The Fresh Princewhere Will’s father unexpectedly shows up, promises to take Will on a road tripand then bails at the last minute? That episode never explores why Will’sfather left his mother in the first place, never tells us if he realised hewasn’t capable of doing right by his boy and so decided to let the capableparent handle the job. Instead, it conveys that this man is a deadbeat dad fornot being around his son and for coming up with some “flimsy” excuse for nottaking Will on that road trip like he promised. (The man said he had a job, butit’s made pretty clear that we are not supposed to believe him.)

I’m notsaying deadbeat dads don’t exist, but you can contrast the treatment men whowalk out on their families get against women who do the same. The man is alwaysa bum, and the woman is always some tragic figure and it’s her husband’s faultthat she left. If he had been more understanding, she would have stayed withhim and they would have been one big happy family. In simpler terms, no matterwhat happens, it is always the man’sfault that his marriage broke up. If he cheated on her, he’s a bastard, but ifshe cheated on him it’s his fault for not having a good enough sex game. In Ray, Ray Charles’ mother watches herblind son stumbling around and refuses to step in and help him, forcing him toadapt to the situation by using his ears. We applaud her for teaching him howto cope, but had it been a man, they would have found some way to make the actappear callous.

Movies tellus that a father should be there for all the little moments, even if it meansputting his career on the line. He should be willing to say, “Fuck the job andthe salary, I’m going to be at that kindergarten recital.” How then does thisfather figure teach his son how to be a man? To take care of his family, andsee that they are provided for? How does the Hollywood dad teach his son totake his career seriously when his own example is of blowing off his career sohe can hold up a camcorder at a Thanksgiving pageant? The simple answer is thathe can’t.

I readonline that the current generation of women is outstripping men in terms ofcareer achievement, and women are now complaining that the current generationof men, well, don’t know how to be men. How could they when the examples theysaw growing up told them that things like careers and job responsibilitiesdon’t matter? Kramer took a lower paying and less stressful job so he couldspend more time with his son and this was very noble, to be sure, but what happenswhen the kid wants to go to college in 8 years?

I am not yeta father, but I don’t subscribe to the view that blowing off an importantmeeting so I can grab a pair of pom-poms and cheerlead at football practice meansI’m a good dad. What does doing that teach my son about being a man? Wouldn’the be better served by me teaching him self-reliance? Showing him that he hasto be strong for his own family? In fact, jeopardising my career would be thevery height of irresponsibility. It would mean that I am abandoning myresponsibility to my family, and jeopardising the futures of my children.

The onlymovie dads who teach their kids about strength, responsibility, and theimportance of family tend to be criminals. There’s something terribly wrongwith this picture.

The Nigerian Highway Code

2011-09-20T14:09:00.000+01:00

When the white devils ruled over and oppressed the people ofthis land, they created something called the Highway Code. This special codewas meant to regulate the behavior of drivers on the country’s many roadways,and it was rigidly enforced by the relevant agencies.

Eventually, our ancestors rose up and chased these whiteoppressors away. In the aftermath of the successful liberation of our land, itwas decided to jettison the ways of the white devils. Some things were toodeeply ingrained in our people and couldn’t be rooted out. For instance, thedisplay of the full breasts of our women caused many of the male white devilsto stray from their homes and the female white devils, jealous of our women andtheir gifts, forced their men to make our young ladies cover up.

Other things however, could be rooted out. Our people havealways had a deep distrust of those strange markings the white devils calledwriting, and their claim that this was the best way to ensure that events wererecorded and passed down to future generations. Our people have always believedin the oral way of handing down records, and if a few stories became slightlyembellished in the retelling, it was fine by us.

It was decided that if our people were to travel in thestrange mechanical beasts of the white devils, we would need a code of our own,which would be handed down from generation to generation in the finest oraltraditions of our people. This would both ensure that the code survived forcenturies untold, and free our people from having to view the writing of thewhite devils.

As a humanitarian service, I have decided to put down someof our own code in the style of the white devils, to ensure that foreigners whowish to come down here and drive on our roads will be aware of our rules, andfollow them accordingly.

1.) Right of Way: This belongs to the most expensive car atany junction. Where two or more vehicles of equally expensive valuation meet ata junction, ROW belongs to the vehicle containing the highest number of fully armedmobile policemen.

2.) Speed Limit: This is dictated entirely by your abilityto control your bladder. As such, the speed limit is the speed just below thatat which you would involuntarily piss yourself. If you happen to be a passengerin a vehicle travelling at a speed limit greater than your own, feel free to ask thedriver to stop so that you may empty your bladder. Frequently calling on thedriver to stop will however earn you the hatred of passengers with higher speedlimits than yours.

3.) Turn Signals: When a vehicle veers suddenly in adirection different from that in which it was previously travelling, the act ofturning is deemed to be a sufficient signal.

4.) Particulars: This is a set of papers required to be heldby every driver. The exact composition of this sheaf of documents variesaccording to the size of the pot-belly of the Inspector in charge of thecheckpoint at which you have been stopped, and your willingness to part withN200.

5.) Traffic Signs: These works of art were commissioned by thegovernment to demonstrate the proficiency of our people with metalwork andspray paint and have been installed along most major roadways to freshen up the landscape.

6.) Traffic Lights: Following the success experienced withthe signs, the government decided to show off to the world that we had alsomastered the ability to combine metal, spray paint and electronics. Thesesuperb masterpieces can be found in every major city in the country. Further,in a demonstration of our keen awareness of the need to protect theenvironment, the lights inside these works of art are only switched on in honorof visiting dignitaries, thereby conserving electricity.

7.) Hand Signals: These are used to demonstrate displeasureat the behavior of fellow road users and may be accompanied by verbalaffirmation. Acknowledging the fact that we now live in a global village, thetraditional five-finger salute is gradually being replaced by the moreuniversally recognized single-finger salute.

The above list is by no means exhaustive and there are someroads in the country such as the world-famous Ring Road in Benin City, whichhave their own special rules. Memorizing the 7 rules above will however ensurethat your driving experience is a pleasant one.

Mo' Cheddar

2011-01-08T09:27:00.000+01:00

“There is no god like the throat: it demands sacrifices daily.” – The Tortoise

In our dear country, we are inundated everyday with messages from our pastors. These “men of God” declare that we must give, and give cheerfully “unto the Lord”. They teach their congregations that the more they give, the more blessings they shall receive from their “Father in heaven”. They then proceed to hold themselves out as living examples of the rewards of life in service to God.

And believe me, the life is very fucking good, what with the mansions, posh cars, and (more recently) private jets. Life couldn’t be sweeter for these men, and the sheep keep lining up to get fleeced. In a nation where the bulk of the national wealth is concentrated in the hands of a few government officials, where corruption is rife, and where the vast majority live in penury, one would think that it behoves church leaders to rail against the inherent immorality involved in stealing from the public to donate the money to God. Surely God is no fence, delighting in the receiving of stolen goods and, surely, God will strike down any who dares to offer Him a slice of criminal activity? Does God demand to “wet His beak”?

There was no equivocation in Exodus 20: 15, where God declares “Thou shalt not steal.” It is then difficult to imagine that a God who declared, expressly, that stealing is a grave offence to Him, condones the high elevation of corrupt men in His churches. Where are the messages from the pastors notifying those men who sit in the front rows of their churches that God will not accept donations sourced from theft? Where are the messages telling them that God does not support the theft of the will of voters via rigging? I dare one pastor to announce that any Senator seated in his church should kindly show himself the door, as God does not approve of men who steal from the public by awarding themselves ever larger salaries while their constituents go hungry and lack basic amenities. Will that ever happen? Fuck no. Where will the next private jet come from, if such a message is passed across? Or the next $4,000 suit, come to that?

Therefore, we must ask the question: if the God of the Bible does not support theft, and Nigerian pastors do, then which God, exactly, are they serving? In the midst of my musings on the subject, came news that Christ Embassy, one of the largest churches in Nigeria, actually charged people N1,000 to get into the premises for its Christmas services. And that, my friends, is the last fucking straw.

For too long most Nigerian churches, especially those of the Pentecostal bent, have marketed (no, that’s not a typo) themselves as venues of entertainment. The most common complaint about orthodox churches is that they are “boring”, hence the need for pastors possessing charisma and stage presence. For indeed, the pulpit is prop, a fixture, required only for the actor to have a place wherein to fix his other prop: his Bible, while he mesmerises his audience (yourselves) to part with their cash. And you lot are so completely in thrall, that when the pastor prays that God shall increase you as you increase the church, you thunder “Amen!” without pausing to consider that you’re praying that thieves shall continue to steal so they too may “increase” the church.

So, you guys keep on praying while around you your country goes to hell in a hand basket. After all, God will take care of everything for you as long as you remember to tithe, and sow seeds, pay your gate fees, and whatever the fuck else Pastor, sorry “Daddy” says you should do. “Daddy” does need that new Rolls Royce, doesn’t he? Imagine if he showed up to a pastors’ convention and he was the only one who didn’t have one? The shame! The humiliation! The embarrassment!

Real Partnership

2010-11-12T09:10:00.000+01:00

There’s a scene in the Godfather Part II, where the heads of the major Mafioso families are meeting at a luxurious hotel in Cuba. Hyman Roth there announces to his fellow criminals that Cuba is paradise for them because there they have what they have always wanted: real partnership with a government.

The Cuban government was not naive or stupid, it knew that it was dealing with criminals, men under investigation in their home country for crimes ranging from racketeering, prostitution, and drug dealing, to murder. It is safe to say that every man at that meeting had “made his bones” in his respective family, and indeed, to rise as high as they did, each man present there must have had a collection of skeletons that would make any graveyard jealous. However, I digress.

The other day, Dimeji Bankole, Speaker of the House of Representatives declared that the generator importation industry to be a billion dollar industry worthy of protection from the effects of power sector reform. In other words, Dimeji Bankole, in his official capacity, considers the interests of generator importers to be more important than those of the millions of his countrymen who cannot afford generators and must live in darkness.

My first reaction was that either the man was high or he had spoken tongue firmly in cheek. Surely, no sane elected official would declare himself opposed to the interests of the electorate? But then again, this is Nigeria we’re talking about, and anything goes in the mad country we call home.

For starters, generators are not manufactured in Nigeria. If it was a generator manufacturing industry that he declared worthy of protection, one could attach more merit to his position. As it is, Nigerians spend billions of Naira each year importing generators from all over the place. The attendant capital flight doesn’t bother our Speaker, oh no. The fact that he’s not even concerned about it tells you how insulated he is in his lofty position.

The true function of a generator is to serve as a back-up to main power. Generators are accordingly in use in developed countries in sensitive institutions like hospitals where electricity cannot be done without for any extended period of time. It is Nigeria where main power is now the back-up to the generator, but Bankole clearly sees nothing absurd in that situation. Besides, he doesn’t pay for diesel, does he?

In Nigeria, we cannot have a working rail transport system because long haul transporters would lose business to a far more efficient system. In Onitsha, we cannot build an airport because operators of luxurious buses would lose business as people happily take to the skies to avoid the death traps that roads have become. Our local refineries cannot work because fuel importers (a breed largely unknown to Nigerians until the regime of Khalifa) would lose business. And we cannot generate and supply enough electricity because generator importers would lose business.

Something similar happened when mobile phones were introduced. At the time, we had NITEL payphones which used smart cards, installed in several places. To make a call, one had to buy a card with units on it. It should come as no surprise to your average Nigerian therefore, that with the mobile phone revolution, the card phones stopped working while the call centres set up a few feet away did a roaring trade. In some cases, the handsets were actually ripped out of the phones. Why? Because if the card phones worked, the call centres would lose business. The only force at work here is pure insanity. And Nigerians, so used to accepting the absolute worst in terms of rulership, will quietly swallow this latest insult and move on with their lives.

The really funny thing here is that in the developed world, they have railways, and long haul truckers. They have airports in major cities, and people still take the bus. They have constant electricity, and the generators serve as back-ups.

Generator importers are no doubt a powerful cabal, and going by Bankole’s comment, they are in real partnership with a government too, just like la cosa nostra in Cuba. The glee with which they supply traffic control boxes for police officers to use at junctions containing traffic lights which depend on PHCN tells you all you need to know about how entrenched they have become.

If someone finds a way to import the air Nigerians breathe...

The Usual Suspects

2010-10-05T09:05:00.000+01:00

On the 50th anniversary of Nigeria's independence from Great Britain, Friday, October 1, 2010, a heinous crime was carried out in Abuja. Two car bombs were detonated, killing 10 people and wounding 21 others. Just before the bombs went off, news outlets Sahara Reporters and 234Next issued alerts stating that Niger Delta-based militant group, MEND, had sent emails warning that there would be explosions in the federal capital within 30 minutes. That time line was adhered to, and lives were lost.

Following the blasts, MEND issued, via the same outlets and international media, another statement claiming responsibility for the attack, and stating that lives would not have been lost had the FG heeded its numerous warnings about its planned attack, and warned the public accordingly. MEND further stated that Nigeria had nothing to celebrate in 50 years, and so on, and so forth.

Astonishingly, the next day President Goodluck Jonathan went before the media and stated that not only did MEND have nothing to do with the attack, but that the government would soon reveal those who were responsible. According to him, MEND would not do anything to jeopardize the chance of one of their own, namely himself, becoming President, which is what this attack was surely meant to do.

This patently absurd statement was rubbished no sooner than he was done by MEND issuing yet another statement in which they claimed to have given the government 5 days advance warning of their plan, and an additional one hour warning prior to detonation. Again, they laid the blame for any lost lives squarely at the FG (and Goodluck Jonathan's) door.

@Chxta's Facebook page made for interesting reading following Goodluck's statement. There were those who fiercely defended Goodluck's claim that MEND (which had claimed responsibility several times) was not to blame, but rather it was Goodluck's political enemies, most especially ex-dictator Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida or IBB, known affectionately to Nigerians as "Maradona" or "The Evil Genius". These people claimed that the hand of IBB was behind the bombings as he was seeking to discredit Jonathan.

I am no fan of IBB, and if I had my way, he would be first in line to face a firing squad on the day of the revolution. However, the idea that IBB planned and executed this terrorist act in order to "discredit" Goodluck was extremely laughable. In the first place, the man is running for President on the same platform as Goodluck, and would therefore be keenly aware of Nigerians love of incumbency. Accordingly, unless the bombs were planted in Goodluck's car, there would be no discrediting him.

Secondly, IBB would never plan such a thing as it would be insane of him to do so, knowing that the fingers of blame would immediately head in his direction. Goodluck would thus do everything in his power to prove that it was indeed IBB who planned and carried out the terror attack, and his Presidential race would be over and done with before you could say "June 12".

Then, this evening word came that Raymond Dokpesi, media mogul and the Director of IBB's campaign for President, had been arrested in connection with the bomb blasts, and the evidence against him is that two "suspects" already in custody had exchanged messages asking if Dokpesi had "paid the balance" and setting out plans to meet in IBB's campaign office.

The world record pace at which "suspects" have been arrested by a police force which couldn't catch a cold if you injected it with swine flu, immediately raised my suspicion. That they now claim the existence of these "text messages" as proof of Dokpesi's and, by extension, IBB's involement in what happened on Friday, tells me that clearly, Goodluck and his "advisers" consider themselves to be the smartest people in a country filled with retards.

It all seems so convenient that not only wasn't MEND responsible for the attack, IBB and his campaign director are. Throw in that IBB is easily Goodluck's stiffest challenger in the presidential race, and other far more sinister pictures begin to emerge.

Suppose MEND did it, and Goodluck knows it was indeed MEND, but has acted quickly to pin the crime on IBB in order to get hm out of the way? That doesn't require a hell of a stretch.

Or, suppose it really wasn't MEND? What if the whole thing was simply a plot by Goodluck and his advisers, led by Baba and Mr. Fix-It, designed to get IBB out of the way? That so many were instantly blaming IBB for the whole thing mere minutes after it happened must have had them leaping with glee. We've all seen the callous disregard with which our ruling class treats its citizens. 16 lives sacrificed in the pursuit of power, which is the only thing they care about, is not such a big deal. It would certainly explain Goodluck's rush to absolve MEND of any blame, and his comments about knowing those responsible. It would also explain the criminal negligence of the security agencies who, despite having advance notice of the threat via the news agencies, refused to issue any warning to the public.

It goes some way to showing how it is that they already knew the perpetrators of a crime as sophisticated as a double car bombing less than 24 hours after it had been committed, and had suspects in custody who had text messages asking each other about Dokpesi and IBB.

Connect the dots and ask yourself if it's really that hard to imagine?

The Rat Race

2010-10-04T08:36:00.000+01:00

"It is a rat race time..." - The Mandators

You Lagosians are a truly amazing bunch of people. I’m sure that most of you Lagosians are good, honest, hard-working folk. I’m sure you pay your taxes, take care of your kids, and do all things expected of decent folk. However, I have one small observation for you. You’re rats, every last one of you.

See, you guys are crazy, unstable, downright loony. Anyone who has spent 10 minutes in a Lagos traffic jam will tell you Lagos drivers are insane. I could say that the bus drivers are the major culprits, and blame that on ignorance, illiteracy, etc. and that would be all. In truth, all of you are exactly the same. You lack lane discipline, patience, good sense. And the more expensive the car, the crazier the driver.

One night last month, I spent four hours in a hold-up at Apapa, and ended up spending the night in a “hotel” somewhere in Ojo. The next morning, Chxta (who was driving) and I rose at 5.30 am, to make the journey back to his place in Surulere, where I planned to shower, grab my bags, and head for the airport. On our way out of Ojo, we ran into another traffic jam.

Bear in mind that it was a public holiday, and I reasonably expected you people would be in bed, sleeping off the exertions of the hellish commutes to and from work that Lagos inflicts on its residents. How wrong I was. The buses were packed full of you, and if it were possible, I would have stopped one and asked, “Where the fuck are you people going on a fucking public holiday at 6 fucking o’clock in the fucking morning?!” It made absolutely no sense.

And then the answer hit me.

You have been trained to wake up at 4.30 am, have a bath and rush off to work or whatever, and your minds cannot do without this routine anymore. You people have been trained to expect a 15 minute drive to last 4 hours and, like any organism placed into such a situation for an extended period of time, you have evolved.

There is one other organism which is trained in the same manner. It is given a fixed task in fixed conditions, for a fixed reward for a length of time until it learns a routine to perfection. And once the routine is learned, the reward can be withdrawn without any adverse effects on performance. The task is to run a maze, and the reward is the food at the center of the maze.

The organism is a rat.

Lagosians have been trained to run the maze that is their daily life and can now perform the task so adroitly, it doesn't matter that you're supposed to be taking a break. When you try to slow down, your minds revolt because you wouldn't know how to spend your free time. The four hour traffic jam is like a drug to you now, and you're addicted to it. Whenever Lagos-based friends come to Abuja, the first thing they do is complain that Abuja is too boring, seeing as there isn't a place to go that requires you to spend 4 hours sitting in your car twiddling your thumbs. Eventually, one of two things will happen: they either get used to the slower pace of life and acknowledge that Lagos was driving them crazy, or they beat a hasty retreat back to their beloved city.

I have one last thing to say to you. If you spend 4 hours a day in your car doing nothing, and you work a 5 day week, that rapidly becomes 20 hours a week, 80 hours a month, and 960 hours a year. In other words, you spend 40 days a year seated in your car, honking your horn, cursing other drivers, and getting totally stressed out. If you work a 6 day week, it becomes 48 days. And some of you spend 3 hours a day going to work, and 3 hours getting home, and you work 6 day weeks.

It doesn't get much scarier than that.

Promotions

2010-10-01T20:53:00.000+01:00

In life, one is never truly satisfied with one's station. One always strives for better position, greater recognition, more respect. Part-timers want to be full-timers, Assistant Directors want to be Directors, Vice Presidents want to be Presidents, and on it goes. Naturally, in the struggle for upward mobility and dominance, people are prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve their aims, and this drive isn't limited to honest endeavor, as the events today have shown.

The Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta or MEND as they prefer to be known, apparently tired of being called a 'militant group' decided today to go for the much more prestigious position of 'terrorist organisation' and passed their audition with flying colours. The detonation of two bombs during the 50th Independence Day celebrations in Abuja, for which MEND has claimed responsibility, claimed 8 or 10 lives (depending on your source) and left around 21 people injured.

MEND has operated for years under the cover of taking up arms to liberate the Niger Delta from the oppresive Federal Government which has done virtually nothing to develop the area from which comes the vast bulk of our national wealth. For a while, they had me fooled. I felt that the sad state of affairs in the Niger Delta, coupled with the chronic deafness of the FG to the legitimate concerns of the citizenry, the rise of MEND as an outlet for years of pent-up frustration was not only inevitable, but welcomed. I thought it would only be a matter of time before they forced the government to take action on the environmental devastation of the region by multinational oil companies. How wrong I was!

For starters, Asari Dokubo, the self-styled 'mujahedin' leader of MEND was no more than thug who had been closely associated with Peter Odili and played a pivotal role in seeing to it that the 2003 elections produced the 'right' result for Odili and his PDP cronies. It was only a falling out between these two hyenas that led Dokubo to 'discover' the plight of his oppressed people and take up arms on their behalf. Never mind that by rigging elections, he had deprived them of any say in how they were to be ruled.

When the kidnapping of expatriates oil workers began, I expected these Niger Delta 'Robin Hoods' to begin using the ransoms acquired to provide their people with the amenities denied them by the government. I expected to see schools built, roads paved, water provided, hospitals equipped. I expected to see these things as they would shame the FG and perhaps force it to act. This never happened. Instead, the money went on mansions and fancy cars. And, of course, more weapons. Soon, I recognised MEND for what it was - a criminal outfit piggy-backing on the legitimate anger of a region.

What they have done today is beyond any defending. Any residual sympathy people may have had for them is now gone, extinguished as certainly as they extinguished the lives of innocent men and women today. I agree that in 50 years, Nigeria has achieved precisely sweet fuck all. I agree that rolling out drums to celebrate what is no more than 50 years of inertia, corruption and thuggery, is an assault on the sensibilities of any right thinking person. However, I cannot agree with what they have done today.

MEND did not target some government installation. They targeted innocent people, bystanders. People doing their best to get by in a country where everything is dependent on who and not what you know. MEND murdered innocent people today. MEND murdered every last shred of credibility it could possibly have had and along with it, they could well have murdered the legitimate aspirations of the very people they claim to represent.

They have finally given the FG the opportunity to use that time-honored movie line:

"We will not negotiate with terrorists."

Vocabulary

2009-04-06T21:10:00.000+01:00

“The members of the committee are not on salary. They are all volunteers. They are ONLY collecting a sitting allowance. They are not collecting any allowance.” (Emphasis mine.)
– Professor Dora Akunyili, Minister of Information & Communication, Federal Republic of Nigeria

“Blue Magic – that’s a brand name…”
– Denzel Washington,
American Gangster

There was once a woman named Professor Dora Akunyili, who was revered by Nigerians for her crusade against the importers of fake drugs into the country in her capacity as Director General of the National Agency for Food and Drug Administration and Control (NAFDAC). This woman was the lioness protecting her cubs when it came to the keeping fake drugs away from ordinary Nigerians. She fought tooth and nail with the drug barons, some of whom were important contributors to political causes in Nigeria, and she stared them all down. She was so bad for business that they tried to kill her, and only the shooter’s inability to calculate where her gélé ended and her head began saved her life.

That those criminals went so far was proof that she was doing the right thing, and that this woman wasn’t all about sound bites, unlike the vast majority of government appointees. When Dora spoke, we listened, and we believed her. Before Dora, nobody paid any attention to NAFDAC. Under her, it became one of the most effective government agencies in the country, like Voltron, loved by good, feared by evil.

When rumors began surfacing that Dora was being considered for a ministerial post, many hoped she would be given the Health portfolio, which, given her solid background in NAFDAC, meant she would be in a position to oversee not only her former agency, but she would have broad oversight powers, and be able to use her skill and determination to set things to rights in the Health sector. Indeed, many believed that Dora would be key to achieving anything in the Health area of President Yar’Adua’s much advertised 7-Point Agenda.

Alas, it was not to be. When the list of ministers was made public after months of speculation, Dora was on it, but she had been assigned the Ministry of Information and Communication. In other words, instead of giving her a portfolio in which she could make a tangible difference and create a greater positive impact on the lives of ordinary Nigerians, Yar’Adua had decided to make her his mouth piece. And for a President who is notoriously reticent about what he says, and when and how he says it, he might as well have replaced her lips with a zipper and a padlock. I mean, during the whole “the-President-is-dead” fiasco, the same story didn’t come out of Aso Rock two days running. I can only imagine that the publishers of This Day got tired of the “President Returns Tomorrow” headlines they kept getting fed by their former staffer.

Now, the job of being Nigeria’s Information Minister requires an intimate knowledge of the art of double-speak, and an ability to tell lies with the utmost sincerity. One can be sure that when our Minister of Information says, “Good morning” it is actually around 10 p.m. at night. And if the Minister shakes your hand, you should check for your wallet, your watch, and count your fingers immediately afterwards (and not necessarily in that order). To Nigeria’s Minister of Information, up is left, down is right, black is yellow, and the Earth is flat and is the center of the universe. Basically, Nigerians have learned not to believe a damn thing that comes out of the mouth of our Information Minister. We don’t believe a thing that the NTA Network ~~official government bulletin~~ News has to say, hence we gladly watch AIT and Channels News instead.

So, Dora’s appointment as Minister of Information & Communication meant one of two things:
a) She had been given the job so she could use her integrity and honesty to begin giving Nigerians the straight facts for once; or
b) She had been given the job in order to capitalize on her honest image so when she lied to us, we’d believe her.

Well, since this is Nigeria, it is safe to say that had the former occurred, our primitive cerebrums might well have tried to wake up.

Naturally, Dora at first tried to cut the image of the straight shooter she once was, but having started down the rabbit hole, there was no turning back for her, and this has been brought home to us with the whole “Rebranding Nigeria” malarkey.

Dora recently went on air to attack those who called the Rebranding Nigeria campaign a waste of time and scarce resources, and who questioned exactly how the shindig was supposed to be paid for. It was during her response that she provided us with the above gem, one that will surely be entered into the Museum of Doublespeak.

I know I am not a Professor like Dora, and my vocabulary is admittedly limited, and the little English I was taught from before and during Kindergarten up to my University days surely cannot hold a candle to our Minister’s command of the language, but I am having a hard time understanding how “sitting allowance” is not an “allowance” within the definition of “any allowance.”

I do not deny that my country’s image is in need of a lift, that my countrymen have to put up with all kinds of negative stereotypes wherever they find themselves. That Lucky Dube’s killer thought he’d get a sympathetic sentence from the jury because he “thought he (Dube) was a Nigerian” is a case in point. However, it’s not about sending Nigerians text messages saying we are good people in a great nation. Our problems go far beyond a mere perception issue. Look around the world, Nigerians have proven time and time again, their ability to thrive and excel in any field, given the right environment and encouragement. We excel in sports, business, science, medicine, literature, art, music. We’ve got the determination, the drive, the will power, the energy, and the desire to succeed at anything. In short, we need no reminder that we have the potential to be “good” people or a “great” nation. We see the evidence every day.

Our biggest and greatest problem is that our government doesn’t give a rat’s fuck about the “good” people, and in fact does everything in its power to ensure that we become bad people. Our rulers have been desperately trying to remake the ordinary Nigerian in their own image and likeness for decades. Indeed, our image problem stems directly from our rulers treating our country as their personal property, and our common resources as an ATM. Corruption, which is unarguably our greatest negative image generator, has been entrenched solidly in our national fabric by these rulers. They have created and fostered the idea that governmental positions are the quickest (and most sustainable) means to wealth by years of crass theft and slap on the wrist punishments for those of their number stupid or unfortunate enough to get caught up in the anti-corruption crusade of the day, and the result is that there are few Nigerians who see anything in this country worth fighting or dying for.

Instead of wasting our time, our phone message capacities, and our money on this nonsense, the government should concentrate on providing us with constant power supply so that our factories stop moving to Ghana, and depriving our people of work in these economically testing times. The government should concentrate on giving us an electoral system of which we can say “It’s not perfect, but it works.” The government should concentrate on securing the lives and property of its citizens instead of attaching battalions of mobile police men to guard PDP chieftains.

I know it’ll be hard, because our rulers are a bunch of hedonistic, lazy and greedy pendehos, and the above sounds too much like work, which they are allergic to.

But here’s an idea for Dora, instead of Rebranding Nigeria, why don’t you rebrand our government? Try replacing the words “Government Official” with “Greedy A-hole” or “Lying Bastard” or “Corrupt Thief.” This will enable Nigerians know exactly who they’re dealing with, and put an end to all these pesky demands for accountability and (God forbid) actual governance.

That can only be “good” for this “great” nation.

Doing The Math

2009-01-09T00:33:00.000+01:00

Remembering what Chxta said the other day about us allowing things to get swept under the carpet and forgotten, I decided to revisit the N2.3 billion vehicle purchase scandal which rocked the National Assembly back in October, 2008.

For those who may not remember what all the hullabaloo was about, it was reported that a contract to purchase of 280 Peugeot 407 salon cars as “committee” vehicles for the members of the House of Representatives had been inflated by around N480 million, and Festus Keyamo, the firebrand activist lawyer stormed the National Assembly in possession of certain documents and confronted the members of the House with their fraud. He was called all sorts of names, well nigh physically assaulted, and there were loud calls for probes. After a lot of noise was made, and a lot of ink spilled on the pages of the newspapers, the matter was promptly forgotten, and the actors paid their wages.

Out of curiosity, I decided to revisit the issue recently, by undertaking a visit to a major dealer in Peugeot vehicles, and the aforementioned 407 was prominently displayed in the showroom. I entered, and asked how much one of the Comfort Automatics (the same type purchased by the National Assembly) was going for. The sales people provided me with their brochure and told me the price was N5.1 million. I asked if there was no discount, and was told that there was in fact a 3% discount, which brought the price down to N4.9 million and some change.

I thanked them and left, clutching a copy of the brochure, with my mind reeling. Even to my extremely slow mathematical brain, it was clear that the fraud was in fact far greater than the esteemed Mr. Keyamo had claimed.

Bear in mind, dear reader, that this was a dealer’s price. The House of Reps purchased their vehicles directly from the manufacturer, so all the little additions dealers build into their prices should have, and must have been absent.

Scanning the brochure, I quickly realised that several claims from the House Leadership simply didn’t make any sense. For starters, 280 cars is by any standards a very large order, and must therefore have attracted a massive discount. Factor in that a Peugeot 407 costs around £15,700 (N3.2 million at today’s Black Market exchange rate) and the scale of the fraud simply boggles the mind. Indeed, a quick survey of prices on the internet revealed that there is in fact a standing discount of £2,100 on every 407 purchased. When you factor in that, you get a price of £13,600 or N2.85 million for each and every 407.

Now, factor in an order of 280 cars to a vehicle manufacturing company eager to please government officials and looking to regain its position as the official car of choice, and factor in your own imaginative discount. (Mine is a further 3% on each vehicle which makes the starting point of my own calculations N2.7 million per Comfort Auto 407.)

When I multiply that amount by 280 cars, I get N775.6 million. In TOTAL. When I add in the fact that 20 of the cars were not Comfort Automatic but Comfort Sport, I get N720 million for 260 Peugeot 407s. Even when I throw in import and clearing duties of 10% on each car, I still don’t cross N1 billion. Rather, I come in way short at N792 million.

Subtract the above sum from the N2.3 billion claimed as spent on the cars, and we get the tidy sum of around N1.5 billion having made its way into private pockets.

Now, let’s go off on a tangent, and assume that each car did in fact cost the Dealer’s price of N4.9 per vehicle. That would still leave us far short of N2.3 billion as we come in at around N1.2 billion for 260 Peugeot 407s.

But they didn’t go to a car dealer, they went directly to the source. Leaving aside the fact that there aren’t 280 Committees in the House of Reps, and that the same House of Reps had already purchased a fleet of buses for the Committees, and assuming that the decision to designate the cars as “Committee” vehicles was merely a means to circumvent the directive of the Executive that there would be no purchase of official vehicles for House of Reps members, the scale of greed involved here is almost unimaginable.

And to the rat bastards “explanation” that they had to place a rush order for the cars which they say justified the price, I must respond: “Was the Peugeot factory closed?”, “Had they stopped manufacturing the 407?” and “How in the blue fuck does Peugeot hear you want 280 cars and not give you a discount?” Somebody in that office would have touched the ceiling with glee. And when we add in (and I must reiterate) the fact that Peugeot are looking for a way back to the glory days when virtually all government vehicles were supplied by them, they would have all but kissed the feet of the House of Reps members with joy.

Keyamo wasn’t close, hell, he wasn’t even in the same ball park. And when that realization hit me, all I could say was “Haba!”

The Divine Obama

2008-11-21T15:11:00.001+01:00

“The Bible says, ‘Thou shall not kill.’ Fuck that shit!”

– Staff Sergeant Sykes,

Jarhead

“God is the most unproductive industry in Nigeria.”

– Unknown

On November 4, 2008, history was made in America. A black man, born of a Kenyan father and a white mother from Kansas, was elected President of the United States. In a country where ownership of Negro slaves had sparked a civil war, and where race based discrimination sparked violent post-war clashes, and gave rise to organisations dedicated to teaching the “niggers” their place, where black leaders who dared to confront the hypocrisy of the white establishment head on were brutalized and sometimes murdered, it was nothing short of earth-shaking.

Since the elections, there have been death threats issued against Obama, and reports have come in of significant increases in traffic on white supremacist websites. For such people, the emergence of Barack Hussein Obama as President of “the country their white daddies fought and died for” is the ultimate kick in the teeth. What made his victory even more annoying is that without the massed support of white folks like themselves, apparent traitors to the cause.

Among this fringe of right wing lunatics are God-fearing folk, the Evangelical Christians, the ones who believe most ardently in miracles. Were the white portion of the electorate composed solely or mainly of these people, Obama would never have won the Democratic Party’s nomination, let alone the election proper. Which brings me to my country.

Some days after the election, before the euphoria had begun to fade, I engaged in a conversation with a certain young lady of Pentecostal inclination, who, to my mind are the Nigerian equivalent of American Evangelicals. And she told me, most vehemently, that Obama’s victory was “ordained by God” and for that reason, and that reason alone, he had won the election. She went further to say that a certain Nigerian pastor had prophesized that a black man would rule America, and the victory was proof that the pastor was perhaps God’s closest confidant. Never mind that the same pastor had once “prophesized” that Baba would not complete his second term in office.

After recovering from my initial slack-jawed amazement, I asked her if she had ever heard of Dr. Martin Luther King (a pastor himself) and his “I Have a Dream” speech in which he had looked forward to the events of November 4 some 40 years ago. She said, and I quote directly, “That one is his own.” At that point, you could have knocked me over with a quark. Never mind the stark irrationality that formed her opinions. Her views, for me, displayed one of Nigeria’s biggest problems.

America operates, and is guided, by the doctrine that every man who wishes to make something of his life is free to do so, and not only that, he is free to oppose any person who tries to take away his right to the pursuit of happiness. Within certain legal bounds, of course. A central theme of Monarchies is that the King (or Queen) has been appointed by God, and is the representative of God on Earth. Thus, disobedience to the crown is equal to disobedience to God, and shall attract severe penalties on Earth and in Heaven. The resounding rejection of this theme is what created America. And throughout history, it has been shown that where the wishes of God directly oppose the wishes of men, men have their way. The Bible says that at a point, the Israelites turned to their Prophet who was their de facto ruler, and said to him “We want a King, a man who shall rule us.” The Prophet told them God was their King, and they basically told him, “That one is his own.” They got their King.

Nigerians are always too willing to subsume their wishes and their will, and leave everything “for God.” It never crosses their minds that nations make progress by basically saying, “X and Y is what we wish to achieve, and if God is with us right now, fine. If not, He’ll come around to seeing things our way eventually.” A while ago, Baba had the balls to tell Nigerians that only God could solve our problems. This coming from a man who had every opportunity to solve the said problems his own God damned self, but chose to do nothing. If God gave you free will, are you not expected to exercise it? Are you supposed to say, every single day, that rather than exercise your God-given will, you’d rather wait for God to come and solve your problems? When Abacha died, Nigerians jubilated, and many said that God himself had come to remove our problem. I say that Abacha, exercising his free will, took Viagra and had a heart attack, which killed him. Perhaps my people will tell me that God is the CEO of Pfizer?

In 2002, Baba delayed announcing whether he would run for a second term as President on the grounds that he was awaiting direction from God. So, it must have been God, then, who thwarted his ambition for a third term in office, abi? The courageous men and women of the Senate and House of Reps and AIT either had nothing to do with it, or were God’s tools. I’m sure if they had all sat on their asses, God would have given them the words and perhaps operated the cameras. Especially seeing as Nigeria is God’s own special constituency development project.

I’m sure the young lady mentioned earlier believes that if Obama had similarly sat on his arse, or misyarned as he saw fit, or run around buck naked every day for the last two years, he would still have become President because God had ordained it and a pastor had prophesized it. That Obama is, perhaps, the most inspirational political figure of the last 50 years, had nothing to do with it. That Obama is perhaps the most gifted orator of his generation also had nothing to do with it. That Obama ran the most disciplined political campaign of the modern era also had nothing to do with it. And that Obama one day determined that he would reach for the highest office in his land irrespective of all obstacles and challenges, and Bible-thumping Evangelicals, also had nothing to do with it.

In Nigeria we are waiting for God to give us good roads, 24 hour electricity, pipe borne water, fix our educational system, provide us with good leaders, and tackle corruption. However, when the most corrupt people in our country are the biggest contributors to religious causes, ensuring that religious leaders continuously pray that God will continue to grant them increase, and when that prayer requires God to permit them to continue to steal from the people, how then is God supposed to tackle corruption?

I despair for my country.

NEPA In Space

2008-11-15T06:14:00.003+01:00

Ok, so this isn't really funny, but I stand by the words of the great sage, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, which I shall paraphrase as follows: Why I dey laff? Man no fit cry.

On other worlds, and in alternate realities (by which I mean in other countries on Earth) satellites possess solar panels for main power, batteries for back-up power, and a little fuel for course corrections and such. The solar panels are of durable construction, having been refined over decades of research, and while they may eventually fail, their life span is measured in years, not months.

In Nigeria, accelerating in its quest to be unlike any other country on the planet, solar panels only last about 18 months. Which is why no one should be surprised that our brand new communications satellite, NIGCOMSAT-1, which cost us around N40 billion, has lost power, and been shut down to prevent it from crashing into other satellites from the aforementioned worlds and sparking an inter-planetary conflict.

It would be unimaginable in any other country that a piece of equipment which is still virtually brand new, and which was purchased at huge cost to the taxpayers could fail so soon, and nobody is brought to book. At the time of the launch of the satellite, most Nigerians didn't want the damned thing. And after its launch, many questioned the wisdom of purchasing a satellite possessing such antiquated technology that clouds could disrupt its operation.

As for the company NIGCOMSAT, it immediately engaged in a pissing contest with the NCC over who could determine the operation of the satellite, with the NCC arguing that it had supreme oversight when it came to the issuance of frequencies to customers, and NIGCOMSAT saying it could sell its frequencies to whomever it damn well pleased. That the satellite has been shut down puts an end to that quarrel.

One of the most disturbing aspects of the whole business, however, is not that a new satellite has failed already (which leads one to ask if the bloody thing was, in fact, new) but the fact that websites reporting on the matter can't seem to agree on what it cost Nigeria. Of those I've seen so far, the BBC and VOA say it cost $340 millon, Yahoo says it cost $311 million, and Space Mart said it cost $257 million. And we all know what that means, no?

As for Baba, who made sure to name the so-called "Space Center" in Abuja after himself, he should know that he has now achieved the impossible. He has managed to export NEPA into Space, and he should be applauded.

Race Relations In Nigeria

2008-11-05T11:31:00.003+01:00

The world has just witnessed America handing it's mandate to a black man for the first time in its history. This election has made history in several ways, shattered many records, and gone a long way to restoring America's image abroad.

In the aftermath of the election, I have to ask myself several questions about racism in its many forms, especially as it relates to Africans and Nigerians in particular.

I read a book by Wilbur Smith where he described attitudes of Africans towards each other as racism. Looking at his explanation for his views, I found myself forced to agree with him.

Racism does not merely involve skin color, though that is its most common and easily identifiable form. It is also the form easiest to galvanise protest against. However, when people use racial sentiments to avoid sanctions for their violations of the law, by making statements such as "It's cos I'm black, innit?" that does tend to make skin color racism (in a way) more and more acceptable.

However, if we look back at our own histories, our ancestors never had any problems conquering and enslaving each other because of the color of their skin, which was predominantly black. There was no such thing as "African brotherhood" because they were too busy trying to create larger and larger empires.

The coming of the Europeans with their colonial governments provided a brief distraction from the vicious business of conquest, and gave the blacks a "common" enemy. The whites called them savages, and worse, and enacted their own conquests, using their juju of highly advanced weapons. Realising that they actually needed some of these "savages" in order to rule, they encouraged us to learn to read and write, and they utilised our men as soldiers in their wars. These men came back having seen that the whites actually weren't as superior as first thought, and the seeds of the independence movement were sown.

Well, we eventually got our independence, which allowed us to refocus on the most important issue of the day - conquering each other yet again. This time, using more sophisticated methods than full blown warfare.

You see, it is easy to characterise discrimination in Nigeria as tribalism, or whatever fancy name you want to give it. The simple fact of the matter is that it is Racism. Peter Pan, in his book The Complete Nigerian, tells us that Nigerians refer to those from different tribes as being from different "countries" and he's right.

America, a predominantly white nation, yesterday embraced a man of African (not even African-American) paternity, and declared him to be their President, by a crushing majority. In Africa, Obama would have been told to go to his father's country if he wanted to be President. And we are all black, aren't we?

In Nigeria, it remains impossible for an Igbo man to seek election outside the south-eastern part of Nigeria. A Bini man would do well to confine his political ambitions to Edo state. So far, only the Yourba and Hausa races have been permitted to rule this country, and talk of Hausa President Yar'Auda's ill health prompts shivers amongst the Hausa elite at the thought of Vice President Goodluck Jonathan, a man from a minority race, becoming President in his stead.

Is it because the majority races in Nigeria do not refer to the minorities as coons, porch monkeys, jungle bunnies, jigaboos, or niggers that we are inclined to say there is no racism? Is it because we have yet to catalogue any category of expressions as racial slurs that we are inclined to say there is no racism? Is it because the discrimination occurs between people of the same color that we are inclined to say there is no racsim?

In America, you can come from Poland, Russia, China, Japan, Nigeria, Uganda, England, France, Germany, or where ever, and even if you are not American, your children born in America and holding American passports will not be denied their rights to seek office, or better their station in life on your account. Because, like Barack Obama pointed out repeatedly, there is only the United States of America.

That is their greatest strength, and until Nigerians realise that there is only the Federal Republic of Nigeria, and that this ragged patch of Earth is our home, and begin to resist the same old politics of division, we will NEVER see any Obamas.

YES WE DID!!!

2008-11-05T05:18:00.001+01:00

YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!
YES WE DID!

To Chxta's Unborn Son

2008-10-28T17:44:00.001+01:00

My son, I cannot argue with the pearls of wisdom your father set out for you in his letter. Do not be alarmed at my choice of address, for you shall be as much Chxta's son as you shall be mine, and in all probability, you shall grow up calling me "Uncle" though we are not related by blood.

As someone who has known your father these many years, there are certain things I shall tell you here which he expects me to:

First of all, if you are anything like your father, the two of you are likely to have some serious clashes as you grow older. Do not take these to mean that your father is an old "Moustache Pete" or unwise in the ways of your generation. Our elders always said that what the old man sees while sitting, the young man shall not see even if he climbs the tallest tree. Rest assured that even though you shall be inclined to dismiss this as an attempt by the old to hang on to power, you shall eventually see the truth in those words, as we did.

Should you be inclined to follow in your father's professional footsteps, be sure to choose for yourself friends in fields as diverse from yours as possible, and make sure that at least one of your closest friends is a lawyer. Granted, you shall hear all sorts of jokes about lawyers, in fact, I'll probably tell you most of them, but believe me when I tell you, they are as important as your own right arm.

Never breach the trust of your friends over money or women. The first runs through your fingers like water, and the second runs through your money like... well, your ears are as yet too young to hear that particular similie. But never fear, for one day, when you're old enough, I'll tell it to you. That is, of course, if you haven't already learned it by then, or made up your own.

My home shall be as open to you as yours, and my office shall be likewise. Feel free to come to me with your problems, but know that if you do something deserving of an ass whopping, I will not keep it from your father. Of course, I shall plead on your behalf as to the extent of the ass whopping you'll get, but your father shall be free to disregard my sentencing recommendation if he wants to.

You can feel free to come to me with questions about things which your father may feel you're too young to know. Especially about sex.

The earlier you develop a capacity for cynical thought and ice-cold self-analysis, the better. In all things, keep an open mind, but always view the actions of those around you through the prism of self-interest. Of a truth, you shall occasionally encounter individuals with genuinely altruistic motives, and such persons are rare and your relationships with them should be carefully nurtured. When you come across those with purely selfish motives, play along until you can use their motives to serve your interests.

With friends you classify as "true" you must be open and honest. Say what you really feel about their choices and actions, and hold nothing back even if you fear you will hurt them or permanently damage your friendship. It may take years, but they will realise your worth. I can't imagine the amount of trouble I would have gotten into if I didn't have your father around to pour cold water on some of my more hare-brained ideas. And I have done the same for him, let me tell you. Your true friends shall be there for you when all else fails, and you must be as willing to make sacrifices for them as they are for you. In such ways are lifelong friendships established.

One area I openly disagree with your father is football. The game does have a very strong spirit, and if you allow it, it will possess you to the extent that you feel physically ill when your team underperforms, or simply plays like crap. But, much like being in love, you cannot be half in and half out of football. And I have a clue that although your father wishes you to be spared the demons of football, he shall be the one to introduce you to them, and smile while you shake hands. However, there are few better analogies for life than following a football team through the years. Some years are good, others are bad, some are downright terrible, but a true supporter sticks to his team no matter what because he understands that no one has the divine right to be on top all the time.

Between us, myself and your father may be able to do a reasonable job of bringing you up to be a principled gentleman, and as the English say, the most important thing you can learn about being a gentleman is when to stop being one.

And whatever you do, don't support Juventus. That way lies something else I shall have to explain to you at a later date.

I love you, as your father does. Be good, my son.

Your Uncle Oria.

What An Obama Victory Means For Africa, Really

2008-10-17T12:34:00.003+01:00

"It's over. Cover the field. Get some bulldozers in here and turn this place into a parking lot!"

- Randy Quaid

Major League II

The above statement may or may not accurately describe the mood in the John McCain Campaign after today’s debate (the first one I have actually been able to stay up for). However, even if it is not accurate, it can’t be far off. Naturally, McCain’s campaign organisation will come out and claim victory. In a way, it was a McCain victory. He performed far better than in his previous two debate appearances, and even managed to look at Obama once in a while. But, I don’t think it was enough to swing the election his way. The way things stand now, come November 4, we may actually witness the election of America’s first black President, barring some unforeseen calamity.

Obama’s campaign to this point has been a reflection of the man himself. It has been calm, unruffled, and steady, qualities he showed again in the final debate. Watching on CNN, which had a split view of both candidates, you could virtually see some of McCain’s attacks bouncing off Obama’s smile. During some McCain attacks, he chuckled, and then refused to respond to them, instead choosing to focus on passing his message across. I think that infuriated McCain, who was desperate to provoke a negative reaction from Obama.

Now the Republican Party has to say to Americans, “Well, fair is fair. And if we lose the White House (as is looking increasingly likely) then y’all have to give us the legislature. You see, we can’t have Democrats in the White House, Senate, and Congress, it would be a monopoly!” Naturally, this line of argument completely ignores the fact that for the first six years of Dubya’s reign, he had a braying, overwhelmingly Republican legislature backing him up completely. Which allowed him to launch his country into a war which has cost the American economy $10 billion a month for the past three years. You do the math.

All the post-debate polls showed an overwhelming victory for Obama in the debate. Frankly, I thought that McCain started far better. He was sharp, his attacks were pointed and precise, and he had Obama on the back foot for about 20 minutes. He even scored points on the economy, which is supposed to be Obama’s forte. Obama looked and sounded flat, and slightly lethargic. I even commented to my brother that he seemed to have sprouted a few more grey hairs. Then came the turning point – when the moderator asked them about personal attacks, and attack ads. This is where, for me, McCain lost the opportunity to “whip Obama’s you know what” in the debate, which he was actually winning up to that point.

He allowed Obama lead him into the bear trap of his own words, and the chants at Sarah Palin’s rallies, and all he could do was whine about how Obama did not “discredit” the statements of Congressman John Lewis, comparing the atmosphere at a Sarah Palin rally with that of the Civil Rights Era. When Obama pointed out, in his infuriatingly calm manner, that the said Congressman was not speaking on behalf of the Obama Campaign, and further, the said Congressman had since issued a statement in which he admitted to having over-reacted, McCain said Obama still didn’t denounce the Congressman.

Then it was on to Bill Ayers who, as Obama pointed out, is a Professor in a University in Chicago, and that the Education Board McCain kept referring to actually contained Republicans. McCain kept trying to bring it up, and Obama kept deflecting it. And then Obama landed his own killer punch, pointing out that when people chanted “kill him” at Palin’s rallies, McCain never came out to denounce those people. McCain, determined to not only dig his own grave, but to build his own casket, and bury himself as well, responded that he could never denounce the “patriotic” Americans who attend his rallies!

For me, that finished McCain’s debate. On all issues which followed, Obama hammered him. He even got McCain to admit on live national television, that he planned to tax peoples’ health care benefits! That was a major coup, and no matter how the likes of Tucker Bounds try to dress that up, it was a huge blow for McCain’s healthcare plan. I predict some fancy footwork from McCain’s campaign over the next few days on that one.

Overall, I think McCain actually did well. Far better than I expected him to, in fact. Though, to tell you the truth, if all he had done was manage to stay in his seat without running around shouting “Mayday!” “Mayday!” and “Damn you Viet Cong, you’ll get nothing out of me!” he would still have exceeded my expectations. The bottom line is, McCain needed a game-changing performance, but he failed to produce one.

Now, here’s my cynical mind speaking to all you out there who think that Obama becoming President of Yankee will immediately make the US Embassy issue free visas to Africans to go and join their brother in celebrating his victory with the Owambe bash to end all Owambe bashes, think again. For one thing, Barack Obama is an American. By certain quirk of genetics, he inherited his father’s dark skin, though, truth be told, his mother’s genes must have been pretty strong, otherwise he’d have the traditional Kenyan skin of black coffee and not his milk chocolate complexion. My point is, he was raised by his American mother and her American parents after his African father had fucked off back to Africa. Sure, he visited Kenya once, to “connect” with his roots, but that’s just about it.

American's first, and most times, only interest, is and has always been, America. Sure, the election of Obama as President will be a shot of pure heroin to the America's international image, but that’s where it will end. The IMF and World Bank will still tell the self-centered African rulers to deregulate, and remove “subsidies”, while imposing economic “reforms” on the countries that are calculated to cause more problems while providing no solutions.

Indeed, with Obama as President, since he is such a likeable, well-spoken fellow, America might even be allowed to get away with more than it is currently allowed, which is just about anything it wants. One of Obama’s greatest weapons is his earnest demeanor, so imagine that demeanor being turned to the project of projecting America’s military might. Hell, he wouldn’t even have to threaten you with sanctions. All he’d have to do is smile at you and tell you how he understands your fears, and your cynicism, and how he’s here to change all that, and before you know it, you’ll be yelling at your wife to spray her best perfume and get in the bedroom to wait for him.

So far, America’s image has been that of the white man, oppressing Africans and others around the world. Heck, when the IMF and World Bank want to send officers into African countries, they send their totally indoctrinated blacks, who then recruit Africans, indoctrinate them, and send them off to do their master’s bidding. Imagine what would happen with a black American President, who is also of pure African descent. I imagine he would be besieged by offers to visit Africa, during which our rulers will throw our countries’ legs wide open for America to come and pillage and plunder. Heck, when an African ruler wants to prove stubborn, I’ll bet all Obama would have to do would be pick up a phone and begin the conversation with, “Help a brother out...”

So, with Obama as President, everything would change, and everything would stay the same. At least Kenya should be able to leverage having contributed some DNA to the first black American President into producing the Chairman of the AU for the duration of Obama’s reign.

That being said, I hope he wins so idiots like the one above get to eat crow.

America's Financial Crisis: Lessons For Nigeria

2008-09-24T12:49:00.003+01:00

In an era in which the world is described as a "global village" the recent financial crisis in America has sent shockwaves throughout the world's economies. Much like a butterfly flapping its wings, the Wall Street hurricane which has succeeded in bringing down some of the world's most venerable financial institutions has caused similar storms elsewhere, with governments scrambling to ensure that their own markets are not caught pants down.

When the root causes of the problems on Wall Street are finally analysed, it will be clear that one factor above all precipitaed the crisis - greed. Enron's collapse was brought about by the fact that its executives were greedy, and using their lobbyists, they were able to remove what little government control there was over their actions, allowing them to rack up huge losses disguised as profits, while stuffing their pockets with money belonging to their numerous shareholders. The collapse of Enron was swiftly followed by that of Arthur Andersen, their principal accountant. The warning signs were there, but they were ignored.

A while ago, Sky News ran a story about how people, finding themselves mortgaged to the hilt, simply began transferring their mortgages to their credit cards, and walking away. The credit card and mortgage companies were left to sort out the mess.

Fast forward a few years, and the same scenario is being played out in the financial sector. Years of reckless borrowing to people who clearly could never repay loans has finally come back to bite the banks in the arse. Once upon a time, you couldn't get a credit card without the companies, in the words of Don Corleone, poking their noses up your very asshole to make sure you would be able to repay them, but suddenly, you could get a credit card on the internet. Laws that were enacted after the Wall Street crash of 1929 were repealed, and the wisdom of the 90s was get government off our backs, and leave everything to market forces. The free ride could not last, and it didn't.

Now, these same people are chewing their very fingers waiting for the U.S. government to come and bail them out. The champions of the free market economy are pushing hard for measures that seem right out of Karl Marx's playbook. The inherent hypocrisy is enough to make you laugh till you cry. The same companies who now want to go on what is essentially welfare, are the ones who lobbied for decades for the government to get out of the market. The same ones who built up that "free market" dogma that the IMF and World Bank have shoved down the throats of countries for years have suddenly discovered that they actually have a strong strain of Socialist DNA.

Not so long ago, South Korea found itself caught in the Asian financial crisis. The IMF came in with a rescue package, but there was a catch - the banks and other institutions that had been caught in the storm must not be bailed out by the government, but should be allowed to fail. Thousands of jobs were lost, pensions wiped out, but them's the breaks. The South Koreans must be viewing the talk of a $700 billion bailout package for Wall Street with bile in their teeth.

For our rulers in Nigeria, who seem hell bent on swallowing everything the IMF and World Bank tell us with little or no regard for the real world consequences of bad policy decisions, the rush by America to abandon the dogma of the "free market" should serve as a clear warning. If the very founders of the market economy are now in an almost unseemly hurry to queue up for their chance at the government tit, what right do they have to still tell us to "deregulate"? Afterall, right now they are all blaming deregulation for their troubles. If they had stronger government control, all this shit wouldn't be coming down now. The fact that the U.S government has virtually nationalised America's largest insurance company must not be lost on observers.

Someone once tried to convince me to purchase shares of a certain bank during a public offer. I asked him who determined the prices of the shares. "The market," was his slightly pompous reply. "And who is the market?," I asked. "We are," was his sheepish response. The consequences of allowing the market to run itself with little or no governmental oversight are being clearly seen on Wall Street, and don't let anybody tell you different. Indeed, the recent turmoil in the Nigerian stock market is also more proof of what happens when the market is left to run wild, as shareholders have seen the values of their investments crumble before their eyes. In fact, the bank whose shares I was being urged to buy have dipped dramatically below the price at which the public was made to buy them. In Nigeria, the stock exchange is "bearish" today and "bullish" tomorrow. Hell, one stock market magazine called it the "bearish bull" which is a load of bull.

Surely, were we to strictly follow the rules of "market forces" and apply the principles of the free market economy to Wall Street, all ailing companies would be allowed to fall, and corporate vultures would feast in joy. That they have not is more proof that some animals are indeed more equal than others.

I urge our rulers to take note of this undeniable fact - national interest trumps all other considerations. Even in America.

Who's Listening?

2008-08-13T12:57:00.005+01:00

As Yawn'Adua prepares to obey a non-binding, fully reversible decision of the ICJ and hand over 300, 000 of his fellow countrymen to Cameroon in what will surely go down in Nigerian history as the most spineless decision ever taken by a President, one has to ponder what, exactly, are his motivations?

The military has said handing over Bakassi would place Nigeria at a serious strategic disadavantage, pointing out that our navy would need Cameroonian permission to enter Calabar, which is an economic hub. Moreover, the military high command has said Baba never consulted it on the strategic importance of Bakassi to Nigeria's territorial integrity. One would have expected the President to slam the brakes on the planned transfer in the light of such information. Yawn'Adua ignored his military advisers.

Legal luminaries have advised the President to appeal the ruling to the Security Council. Nigeria has played a massive role in ensuring peace in much of Africa, and has shouldered huge financial burdens for keeping UN Peacekeepers stationed in some hotspots. We could parlay this into sympathy for our cause, as nobody else can do what we do in Africa. Yawn'Adua ignored them too.

The National Assembly has protested the planned handover, telling the President that as the Green Tree Agreement signed between Baba and Paul Biya was never presented to it for ratification, the treaty is not binding on Nigeria and cannot have force. By international law, where a treaty must go through an internal process (ratification) before becoming valid, it remains invalid until it has gone through the required process. Yawn'Adua is either unaware of this rule (which is extremely unlikely) or has chosen to ignore it.

A Federal High Court has ruled that the handover must be suspended pending the determination of a suit filed before it by the indegenes of Bakassi. Yawn'Adua has, well, yawned at the Court, and in so doing, has also yawned at his "rule of law" jingle.

Bakassi is credited with holding hundreds of millions of barrels of crude oil, and billions of cubic metres of natural gas, making it a hugely important piece of Nigerian real estate. Yawn'Adua has ignored this fact as well.

And then, there are the people of Bakassi. They have said over and over again that they are Nigerians and not Cameroonians. They have told the government to ask the UN to conduct a plebiscite in the region, as the right of a people to self determination has long been acknowldeged as a fundamental right by the UN. Any plebiscite would surely result in the territory being declared Nigerian. They hold Nigerian passports, and vote in Nigerian elections. Yawn'Adua has ignored them too. And why not, when he knows that their votes don't count?

And this last, is perhaps the most criminal. As long as our rulers choose to ignore the legitimate aspirations of the people, and as long as the ordinary Nigerian continues to be treated as a faceless and voiceless entity, there can NEVER be any progress, and there can be no hope, and there can be no future for this country.

And as long as our rulers continue to put themselves and their selfish personal interests first, as long as they continue to close their eyes to the fact that it is in their best interests to see that there is equity and justice in the country, and as long as they continue to block their ears to the cries of pain and suffering emanating from the streets, there can be NO future for them.

The Last Laugh

2008-08-11T13:02:00.003+01:00

In the dying embers of Baba’s tenure-elongation scheme, he decided to do something to Nigerians for which he would never be forgotten.

It is well known that Baba does not forgive any slight, real or perceived, and the collective refusal of Nigerians to allow him turn himself into a life President was a major slap on his person. Afterall, was he not our (self-proclaimed) Messiah? Hadn’t he led us single-handed out of the dark era of military dictatorship? So, for us to disregard all that and proceed to tell him to leave when his 8 years were up proved we Nigerians were indeed a most ungrateful bunch of people. And our “elected” representatives were no better. Ken Nnamani, who he made Senate President over the objections of his colleagues turned round to stab him in the back by refusing to banish the television cameras of AIT from the Senate Chambers during the 3^rd Term Debates. This act, allowing the debates to be broadcast live to all Nigerians, forced some of his most vociferous private supporters to become public detractors for fear of their family and property. And then, there were the utter bastards who took his bribes of cash, bought their official quarters at rates which make “knock-down” look like “mark-up” and then stood up and denounced his tenure elongation plan. Of course, they knew his hands were tied – he couldn’t ruddy well come out and accuse them of corruption and hand them over to the EFCC, he’d have to arrest himself too! Perish the thought. And then of course, there were the ordinary Nigerians, the ingrates who popped beer and jubilated at his failure. They were deserving of his most special ire. After all he had done for them, they couldn’t even allow him rule them for life. Surely the furies were watching his travails and would support him in his next course of action.

So, Baba declared that winning the 2007 Elections was a do-or-die affair. He then proceeded to orchestrate the most shambolic elections in the history of elections in the history of the world. International observers even said they were worse than when he gave himself a second term in office, and previously, Nigerians had considered those elections to be the height of farce. Baba showed us how completely wrong we were. As the utterly unacceptable results poured out of INEC, it seemed that surely there would be some unrest across the country.

However, Nigerians seemed wise to the fact that unrest would be a great excuse for Baba to declare a national state of emergency and use that as an excuse to remain in power. So we all kept quiet and allowed him do what he wanted. However, his best parting shot was the man he chose to replace him in power. Having scoured the length and breadth of the country searching for a suitable replacement, he chose Umaru Musa Yar’Adua. And what a replacement he has been.

On taking office, he vowed to provide Nigerians with real leadership, and promised us a government that would respect the rule of law. He was even reported to have told off the leadership of the PDP when they argued against his planned government of national unity. For a few weeks, it looked like Nigerians would ultimately thank Baba for something afterall. But we were wrong again. Baba had chosen his man well, a good-intentioned fellow who also happened to lack the cojones to see through any planned reforms to the system.

Little by little Yar’Adua succumbed to the pressures mounted on him from without to preserve the status quo. The Teachers’ Strike which he allowed to occur, and run for 5 weeks without check was straight out of Baba’s playbook. And when he intervened in the impeachment of the Adamawa State governor, it was clear that he had finally turned his government over to the dark side. His foot-dragging on implementing the budget 8 months into the year can only be described as callous. He has also earned himself several unflattering nicknames such as “President Go-Slow”, “Yawn’Adua”, and “Umoru” which is the name Baba gave him while calling him during the “campaign” to ascertain whether he was alive or dead.

Now, Nigerians are seeing a truly rare phenomenon here – a lame-duck first-term President. We get bombarded daily by "7 Point Agenda" adverts on NTA, with little or no action on ground to back it up. Government has virtually stagnated, capital projects haven't taken off even though the year is all but gone. And to make things even worse for Yawn'Adua, some have begun grumbling that at least Baba's government had purpose (however misguided) and was visibly active (however pointless). Yawn'Adua's government appears totally comatose by comparison.

Nigerians expected positive action, and so far all we've gotten are a bunch of pointless probes, where the probers are so utterly terrified of pointing fingers in the proper direction that they would rather gloss over serious issues to chase shadows. For instance, the Power Probe found that Baba waived due process and ordered companies that didn't even exist paid in full. When they spoke of inviting him to appear, all he did was send them the huffiest letter imaginable, and they turned tail and ran. Next we heard they were recommending that the "companies" refund the money, but saying nothing about the man who made it possible for them to get it in the first place.

It looks for all the world like Baba is being treated as a sacred cow. Or chicken...

Rodeo Drive?!

2008-06-20T09:30:00.004+01:00

So, our head honchos have, once again, gotten it completely... wrong.

Yesterday, it was announced that plans have been approved to construct a N50 Billion "Abuja Boulevard" stretching from Eagle Square to the National Hospital. It was said by a smiling (I assume) FCT Minister, that this would elevate Abuja to the status of other world-class cities in the world. The Boulevard will "boost tourism" and be a "24-hour business and shopping hub" and so on and so forth, ad nauseam. It was also said that the development will allow Abuja compare favourably with Rodeo Drive. Such is the extent of our rulers' ambition. Rodeo Drive is a street in some city in California, in good ole US of A. Our rulers want our national frakking capital to compete with a street in a state in another country!

It was also announced, for all ye lucky landowners in the area, that the premiums on land will go up from N2,000 per square meter to between N50,000 and N70,000 per square meter. Naturally, those who cannot afford the new rates are welcome to surrender their Cs-of-O and be reassigned plots elsewhere. And, before anyone dared quibble or grumble about the insane hike, Alhaji Modibbo informed us that MTN and Globacom are already chomping at the bit. Then before any fingers or hands were raised, Modibbo, with a combination of glare and growl that would have Segun Arinze turn green with envy, stated that the days of people getting a "free ride" from government are over. Said he, people got the land cheap in the old days, and when government has finished investing in infrastructural development, these people now sell their land for huge profits, and this is unfair! What kind of twisted logic produces that kind of statement? So, people should not sell land anymore because the government did its frakking job and provided development?

And then, here's the kicker - Alhaji Modibbo said areas whose value will be boosted "indirectly" by the presence of the boulevard will also have their premiums increased. This is likely to have landlords jumping for joy, and tenants groaning in pain seeing as the measure for determining exactly how and to what degree this indirect boost will be applied is as yet unkown. Well, Wuse II, is likely to be one, as well as Maitama, and Garki. And, since the Boulevard is going to head across Zone 6, the rest of Wuse will be in line for a value boost. How, you ask? Quite simple. If the presence of Abuja Boulevard indirectly boosts the value of land in Zone 6, making the said Zone a "choice area" then the boosted value of land in Zone 6 should indirectly boost the value of other Zones by their proximity to the choice areas, and so on and so forth. Heck, before you know it, the premium on land in Bwari will be boosted by being indirectly enhanced by its closeness to Dutse, which was boosted by its closeness to Gwarimpa, which was boosted by its closeness to Wuse II, which was boosted by its closeness to the Boulevard!

Don't you just love the frakking logic?

Here we are, myriad crises facing our government such as the situation in the Niger Delta, and the fact that electricity has been relegated to a pipe dream, and the fact that roads are shockingly bad, and the fact that there is no security of lives and property, and the fact that our teachers have finally gotten pissed off enough to challenge the insincerity and double-faced nature of government promises, and the fact that corruption is a way of life, and a thousand and one other problems, and all they can think of is Abuja Boulevard. They should all get medals for their innovative thinking. So, here's the rub, dear readers: in the spirit of reallocation of land, it is quite likely that the hapless landowners who cannot afford the new outrageous premiums on their land, will likely be reassigned to plots in Kubwa or Bwari, or, come to think of it, Abaji. Their land will then be in all probability reallocated to varied PDP stalwarts, and then the said stalwarts will get to resell the land to those who are expected to jostle for spaces in the area at profits that will have their account officers smiling all the way to the bank.

And, naturally, in the new spirit of the rule of law, anyone who doesn't like it can go *@&!#%. Or head for the Abuja Land Use Tribunal (which is pretty much the same thing).

Rewriting History

2008-06-14T15:49:00.002+01:00

I would have blogged about this the very day I saw the headlines, but work has kept me offline for a while.

A few days ago, people gathered for prayers to commemorate the 10th anniversary of the passing of the dark-goggled one, Gen. Sani Abacha. While alive, Abacha was recognised by the majority of Nigerians to be a violent kleptomaniac, who was only interested in hanging on to power at all costs, while filling his pockets with as much money as he could grab. It was said that once, the then CBN Governor had the temerity to notify Khalifa (as he was called) that there was no more Naira in the Treasury. Enraged, Khalifa picked up his telephone and ordered more money printed just to satisfy his cravings. I certainly cannot forget the "five fingers on the same leprous hand" which he styled as political parties during his divinely truncated "transition" programme. Or the senseless, spineless, and utterly insulting adverts that the NTA shamelessly aired proclaiming Khalifa to be the "key" to Nigeria's future. Or the even more insulting "who the cap fits" adverts aired by the same organisation. I remember that when Alex Ekwueme was being touted as a Presidential candidate, the man had to quickly come out and denounce his "promoters" and declare his loyalty to Khalifa.

Can anyone forget the "million man march" or the 65 year old "youths" who earnestly asked for Abacha?

Also, Abacha was responsible for innumerable assassinations of those who dared demand the restoration of the June 12 mandate freely handed to MKO Abiola by Nigerians. Most prominent among the victims of this struggle against Abacha were Kudirat Abiola and Pa Alfred Rewane. Other pro-democracy activists of the day were forced to become the bird of Igbo legend who stated that since men had learned to shoot without missing, he had learned to fly without perching.

So, it is the memories of these people and countless unnamed others that the 3 generals attempted to rubbish with their asinine claims that Abacha was, basically, purer than the driven snow. Perhaps the most outrageous of all the claims came from none other than Maradona himself. He stated (probably with an enviable poker face) that Abacha never stole a dime! He stated Abacha was a humble man, and that the two of them were real close, right until the end.

We must then ask Maradona about the billions of dollars of loot which have been returned to Nigeria from Khalifa's various foreign accounts. Were they part of an elaborate hoax to portray Khalifa as a bad man? Were we all engaged in the exercise of giving a dog a bad name in order to hang it? I think not.

No, Maradona cannot pull the wool over my eyes. I remember the day Khalifa passed on to the great beyond. There was widespred jubilation of the kind unseen since the day we won the gold medal in football at the Atlanta Olympics. Bus drivers rejected fares, beer parlour owners rejected money, and from east to west and north to south, there was wild celebration.

I know we have a "tradition" of not speaking ill of the dead, but for heaven's sake, it doesn't mean we must become stupid. I know it is often said that Nigerians suffer from collective amnesia, and that we are either unwilling or unable to keep events in our memory, hence we allow the same rubbish to happen to us over and over again. But on this score, I dare say we might as well have been collectively lobotomised if we allow ourselves to forget the Years of the Locust that Abacha's rule represented.

Chuku Chuku

2008-06-06T12:03:00.002+01:00

When Umoru took office in the aftermath of the PDP's brazen vote capturing, it soon became clear to both keen-eyed observers and the blind alike, that he would have little or no time for one of Baba's golden boys: CBN Governor Soludo.

Perhaps aware of the impending ill-wind about to blow through his office, Soludo hastened to inform the media and general public at large, that he would no longer be addressed by the name with which he took office - Charles, but would now be addressed by a new moniker: Chukwuma. As I said at the time, I had no idea he even had Chukwuma for a name at all. Indeed, on our Naira notes, he wrote his name in full as Charles Soludo. Granted, there was an initial there, but I always assumed it was a "B", and only the whole name change did I realise that it was, in fact, a "C".

But, to my mind, the reason for the sudden shift from Charles to Chuks was as plain as, well the corruption in Obasanjo's government. He had changed his name because to his "professorial" mind, there was no better shield to hide behind than the well documented history between the Igbos and their Hausa-Fulani brothers. As "Charles" he could be booted out of office without so much as a by-your-leave, and not too many voices would be raised in protest, even if he was of Igbo origin. However, the sudden removal of "Chukwuma" as CBN Governor would definitely trigger howls of protest from the Eastern part of Nigeria. There would be rapid claims of "marginalisation" and "tribalism" and so on. There would be full-page advertorials in national dailies bemoaning the sack of the "highest-ranking" Igbo son in the government. In short, there would be plenty wahala and katakata, and Umoru, unlike Baba, has little inclination towards either.

Never mind that the newly-minted Chuks had never identified himself with his Ohaneze "brothers" throughout Baba's tenure, what would matter would be the perception of the public that Umoru couldn't wait to toss the Igbo man out on his ear, and some would say it smacked of the pogroms which had led to the civil war. So, if Umoru wanted him out, he would have to do it in a way that left no room for any howls of protest. Cue the probes.

Currently, Chuks has at least 3 seperate on-going probes of various aspects of his tenure as the Guvnor. Some involve the Capital Market, some involve the AFC, and some involve the Banking sector, wherein Chuks has recorded his most trumpeted achievements. Now, Chuks spends his time running between the Senate, the House of Reps, and the ICPC, trying desperately to defend himself, and keep his job.

He called for the probe of unethical practices in the banking sector to be conducted in camera, claiming that "wild" statements emanating from the hearing could lead to a run on the affected banks. He stated that a bank could collapse in a day, and so, the public should not be allowed to hear just how the banks were treating their hard earned money, or they might just give in to the temptation to remove it. This suggestion is laughable in the extreme. If I discover that the bank I thought was solid was nothing of the sort, and was indeed wobbling on the verge of collapse, I have every right to pull my money out, and move it to a safer haven, my pillow, perhaps. It has long been suspected by the general public that all is not as rosy as it seems with some of the so-called "mega banks" in Nigeria, and I believe Chuks made the plea to the Committee with certain banks in mind.

Now, it is part of Chuks job as Guvnor to make sure that the banks operate within strict ethical and fiscal guidelines, and treat depositors funds with utmost respect. It has since been established that Chuks has no interest in this part of his job, and prefers to align himself with the very institutions he ought to be policing. Take the board of the AFC, for example. Chuks is the Chairman, and the CEOs of several Nigerian banks are the Directors. Hand in glove doesn't even begin to describe that relationship. And it leads one to ask if the dog is wagging its tail, or the other way round.

His close relationship with these persons cannot but lead to questions about his independence, and indeed, loyalty to his office. The revelations from the Capital Market probe in which he sought to lay blame for the over-subscription for shares at the feet of the subscribers and not the banks was instructive in this regard. Here was a CBN Governor being asked how he abdicated his oversight functions so glaringly, and instead of offering any explanation, no matter how far-fetched, he chose to threaten the people who had been wronged with prosecution. Now, I am not suggesting the government should become heavy handed in the issue of regulation of banks, but the Enron fiasco showed that too much liberalisation is a very dangerous animal indeed. Investors literally lost their shirts because the banks were in cahoots with Enron, and surely a stronger and rigorously enforced regulatory framework could have prevented that from occuring. There are those who say regulation stifles growth and development, but I say that works in the same manner that armed robbers will complain that the police stifle their operations (of course, in Naija, most people would say that our police actually enhance crime, but imagine if there were none at all).

Chuks has been good for Nigeria in some ways, no doubt, and there will be those who say you must take the good with the bad, but when you occupy such a sensitive position, the first things on your mind should be integrity and honour at all times. You shouldn't turn into the Maurice Iwu of banking. And sadly, this is what Chuks has done. No doubt a close relationship with the banks is required, given their importance in economic development, but the CBN is supposed to play the role of a kind but firm parent to these precocious kids, and not act as the booze-purchasing frat brother.

I've said before that Chuks should have gone quietly after the redenomination fiasco, and kept his dignity. He refused to do so, perhaps completely ensnared by the addictive elixir of the power he enjoyed under Baba. Power which enabled him to ride roughshod over his Deputy Governors and render them just about irrelevant. And power which enabled his to be the most important economic voice in the nation. The power went to his head like the powerful narcotic it is, and he refused to see the writing on the wall.

Sadly, I don't think he's going to have the option of a quiet exit anymore. He's made too many enemies who now control his fate. And his comfy seat of power must now be feeling a mite prickly.

Ike & Tina

2008-06-04T15:47:00.003+01:00

I drank a can of Red Bull last night in hopes of being awake to watch B'rock clinch the Democratic Party's nomination. I apparently hadn't considered exactly how tired I was, because I promptly fell asleep, and didn't recover my wits until about 3 am. At which time I got to watch B'rock clinch the Democratic Party's nomination (which proves that everything does happen for a reason). Anyway, as soon as I saw that he had not only reached, but zoomed past the magic number of 2,118, I immediately sent texts to my Dad, my Mum, and Chxta.

Needless to say, I was utterly estatic. I had never given Senator Obama a chance initially, and I thought he'd be like Jesse Jackson, win a couple of states and then return to his Senate seat. Of course, as the race went on, I saw that my initial projections had been as accurate as a goal attempt from Emmanuel Adebayor, and I realised that I was watching history. I began staying up on primary nights until the last vote had been counted, and I said here that B'rock needed to hit Hilliar back for all the negative things she was saying about him. I was wrong again, proving I do not have a future as a political adviser (at least not in Yankee).

So, last night/this morning, when I watched his victory speech I got a little misty-eyed, and immediately prayed that God would erect a bullet-catching force field around the man posthaste. Then I settled down to watch Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN. There, several analysts discussed Hilliar's refusal to concede the nomination even now that it was clear that she had lost. Then one of them dubbed her and Bill "Itchy Willy" Clinton the "Ike and Tina Turner of American Politics." I rolled off the chair laughing, and I'm sure I disrupted the peaceful sleep of my neighbours. For I had never heard a more apt description of the pair, except that she's Ike and he's Tina. Now that the nomination is lost, I'm sure neighbours will have to deal with the sounds of lamps breaking as she berates him for costing her the nomination with his statements in South Carolina, and not bringing her the black votes he promised. No doubt Chelsea Clinton will come in for a broadside as well for not energising the young voters like she was supposed to.

As the nomination contest wore on, it became clear that Hilliar was far from being the benign former First Lady she often portrayed on television. In appearance after appearance, Hilliar showed the world that she was, in fact, a shrewish fishwife. From her "misspeaking" to her constant refusal to back down, to her statement that the nominating contest should have run until June because that was when Robert Kennedy got killed (while he was the frontrunner) she told us that Hilliar was in the race for Hilliar and not for the American people as she had always claimed. And watching her change her tone as often as she changed clothes was truly cringeworthy. At one point, Florida and Michigan didn't matter, then suddenly Florida and Michigan were the keys to the nomination. At first the popular vote didn't count, and now she claims that winning the popular vote is the key. And whether she liked it or not, the voters paid attention to her constant shifting.

For sure, Obama beat her, and beat her fair and square, but those punches she landed on her own nose did him worlds of good.

Now, it's on to the White House for the Obama Express.

May 29

2008-05-28T16:12:00.004+01:00

As we prepare to mark the ninth year of our great democratic experiment/learning process/PDP "vote capturing"/INEC's robust independence, we must look back on the intractable problems that once bedevilled our great nation and smile at their resolution.

For instance, in the past we had Supreme Military Councils made up of about 30 crooks (whose word was law) doling out money amongst their friends and favourites to the detriment of the national good. This problem was resolved by the creation of a Federal Executive Council and National Assembly made up of about 500 crooks (whose word is law) doling out money to their friends and favourites to the detriment of the national good.

We used to refine crude oil in Nigeria, and the Government always groaned about the subsidy. We now import refined products and the Government groans about the subsidy.

We once used to live in fear of soldiers breaking down our doors to arrest our loved ones who dared to speak out against their paymasters, now we live in fear of thugs breaking down our doors to kill our loved ones who dare to speak against their paymasters.

We once considered constant electricity to be the luxury of the rich, now we consider constant electricity to be the luxury of the mega-rich.

We used to have several tiny banks, each doing their best to rip off the unfortunate Nigerian customer. We now have few large banks, each doing their best to rip off the unfortunate Nigerian customer.

We once thought it was an act of courage to drive around Lagos without a well-armed escort, and now we think it is an act of courage to drive around Lagos.

Fela, the great sage and seer, once described democracy as a demonstration of craze. Witnessing a catalogue of simply disgraceful behaviour by our "honorables" on Channels TV News last night, I couldn't help but agree with him, as I am so often compelled to. Witnessing fathers and grandfathers displaying all their agbari skills without restraint on national television made me alternate between tears of laughter and, well, more tears of laughter. One video from Ondo State, showing a legislator attempting to seize the House Mace was particularly hilarious. Here was the fellow, struggling desperately to wrest the Mace from some other folks, when from behind him, someone steps up and delivers a punch that Muhammad Ali would have been proud of. When he is helped to his feet, after assorted refs have counted to a hundred and gone for lunch, all he does is rub his head and look bewildered. You wouldn't want to be that guy's kid in school the next morning, trust me. Or the "Civilian Coup" in Delta State wherein the Speaker of the House of Assembly actually had his seat pulled from underneath him, and then got dragged out of the Chamber, so a new Speaker could be installed.

On May 29 our rulers will get out their collective soap boxes, and proceed to do their very best to dislocate their own shoulders via vigorous self back-patting. We will hear about how the military destroyed everything for so many years, and how there has been so much to do. We will hear about the "great strides" that have been taken in bringing democracy dividends to the ordinary Nigerian (by which they simply mean that instead of the General from your home town building a mansion in your back yard, you now have the Senator, the Honorable, the SHA Member, Local Government Councillor, and the local thug building mansions in your backyard). We will be told that we must exercise patience while our children attend substandard schools while the funds to give them a decent education are spent on Harvard tuitions for the children of government and party functionaries.

We will be told that decent drinking water, motorable roads, stable electricity, and basic security are being worked on and will be delivered soon, while our rulers drink Ragolis and Eva, ride in jeeps, utilise the largest generators and use their MOPOL to chase us off what thin strip of good road we were clinging to.

We will be told to exercise patience while the "rule of law" enables perpertrators of the most nefarious crimes against the people in recent memory dance and dine in absolute freedom.

Oh yes, patience will be a major theme of May 29 addresses. We will be told to exercise patience until it becomes a virtue. Someone once told me that if you chase a goat to a wall, it will turn around and charge you, but if you chase a Nigerian to a wall, he will dig through or under the wall so he can keep running. I know we have had men of courage in this country, but I am loath to begin naming them here. Suffice to say they have been occasional comets during our perpetual Antarctic winter. Their light shines too short to do more than offer a glimpse of the direction in which we should head, then is snuffed out by collective apathy.

Yes, Nigerians generally, no longer give a shit. We don't care if our rulers steal our money. We no longer have (ife we ever did) a collective desire to hold our rulers accountable for their misdeeds, and that is perhaps the enduring legacy of military rule. The military did us irreperable harm, but it wasn't in the area of infrastructure or national development. It was in our psyche. After such a mind fuck, we became ready to accept them when they tossed the guns and whips and came back with constitutions. Now we constantly hear "no to military rule" and "the worst civilian government is better than the best military dictatorship." What a crock. Mind you, I am not advocating a coup, but at least during military rule we didn't have a collection of quite so many pigs gathered at the trough. We had a few large pigs and a collection of piglets. Now we have several large pigs and an even larger (and still growing) collection of piglets.

Our political parties are, in general, a gathering of persons whose only common ideology is "there is no such thing as Government money." There is no better demonstration of this than the PDP. The only thing that gathering has in common is avarice.

Well, I'm venting, perhaps even ranting a bit, but if you can't rant on your blog, then where can you? Besides, maybe 10 or 20 people will read this post, or a few more who stumble across it, so let me offer a personal solution to Nigeria's power woes:

1. A blanket ban on the purchase, or use of generators by all top government functionaries, and permanent load shedding of their homes.

I can see it now: the "honorable" minister for energy (power) forced to do battle with mosquitoes with his own hands while cursing and waiting for PHCN to restore power to his area. If PHCN doesn't start working properly in a week. I know it won't happen, of course, but it's a lovely thought on which to celebrate demonstration of craze day in Nigeria.

As for me, I intend to celebrate by tackling some laundry which has refused to abandon the politics of opposition, and then I shall loot generously from the public till of my kitchen, before retiring to my plush villa in the middle of my flat for a well-deserved foreign vacation.

Physical Fitness

2008-04-16T16:13:00.002+01:00

Sometime ago, while I was still doing my NYSC, it was decided by top management at my place of primary assignment that the lifts would no longer carry persons to or from the first floor. This policy was instituted with a view to ensuring that staff got some regular exercise at the office, since many people were way too tired to use the various gyms the company had partnered with. It was also believed that this new fitness regime would improve staff performance, and so on and so forth.

Needless to say that I, at the time was more than willing to use the stairs for a few reasons:
1. I was young and strong;
2. The lifts could often be a hinderance rather than a help; and
3. My office was on the first floor.

Of course, not everyone could comfortably play "spring chicken", and you'd find a few people at their desks and blowing like whales, or queues at the water fountain, as staff desperately tried to rehydrate themselves. And, naturally, the big ogas with first floor offices still used the lifts.

Well, if top management knew then what we found out today, there would have been a very simple incentive to physical fitness - the presence of the EFCC.

Iyabo Obasanjo-Bello has been engaged in a war of words with the EFCC since it was revealed that she collected some cash out of the 300 million Naira health ministry palaver, for which the heads of the minster and minister-of-state duly rolled. When the trial of the accused persons began, Iyabo was named as an accused person, but failed to show up in court. When the EFCC announced that she was on the run, she hit back, calling them liars. Recently, she bragged that she was ready for them.

Reports emerged today indicating that while EFCC officers were waiting to arrest her, Senator Iyabo Obasanjo-Bello, a woman who can hardly be described as a Marion Jones in her prime, evaded capture by going over the back fence of her Jabi residence. This event leaves a lot open to the imagination. You see, Iyabo is not noted for a physical nature, and seeing as she never embarked on a mountain climbing exercise like the "Action Governor" Lucky Igbinedion, one must wonder how she developed her technique. It is not yet known which high jump method she may or may not have utilised in making her escape, and it has also not yet been revealed whether a ladder or pole vault was discovered at the scene. All that is known is that the EFCC came in the front door, and Iyabo went over the back fence. One can only imagine the amused/frustrated looks on the faces of the cops at that moment. Frustration because she got away, and amusement because of how she got away.

No doubt, various men and women of high standing (and who may or may not become EFCC targets in future) are taking note of this, which shall soon become known as The Iyabo Method. Baba, on receiving the news of his daughter's narrow escape from the clutches of the monster he created, might have cringed in embarrasment at the idea of his child scaling a fence like a common crook, but then again, knowing Baba, he would probably have smiled with pride at her ingenuity.

Next time, however, she might not be so lucky...

3 Strikes

2008-04-07T12:13:00.002+01:00

Ed's Note: The Law has not finally lost his marbles, and is fervently praying neither of the people mentioned in a previous post reads this, or The Law might be in need of a coffin...

I sometimes wonder if Cupid, or whichever mad scientist runs the relationships department operates a sort of reverse 3 Strikes policy. As in, 3 Strikes and you're out for good. You see, I've had 3 great loves in my life, each one stronger than the last. And for anyone completely aware of me history reading this, K doesn't count because she was, well, puppy love.

So, here they are, in chronological order.

A: I first met her at a friend's birthday party in my first year in the University. To say she outshone the other young ladies at the event would be a gross understatement. Next to her, they were candles. I didn't fall in love with her at first sight though. I don't believe in such fruppery. Although if I am honest, it took about 30 seconds. Nano seconds, that is. Well, I wasn't a very confident fellow back in those days, so I pulled out all the reasons she'd never go out with me, namely there were richer, finer guys, etc, and beat them into my brains so much I accepted them as dogma. What a fool I was. I contented myself with seeing her only occasionally, even though each time I laid eyes on her, my heart would literally stop. I kept telling myself it was good to be friends with her because I could never be more. I was such a coward. Out of fear of rejection, I never did a damn thing. I wish I had a time machine, I'd go back and ram a red hot poker or a 600 volt cattle prod up my own behind. And so, the time passed, and the feelings diminished, and faded from an acute ache to a dull throb. And I congratulated myself for surviving. Some days, I feel I shall go to my grave with her as my one greatest regret.

V: V broke me out of my funk over A. She was about 12 metric tons of fun, with a sense of humor that was totally out of this world. When she came along, I decided to apply the lessons learnt from A, and screwed my courage to the sticking place. I spoke up. Man, oh man. Well, she decided we'd better be friends, and I guess she was looking for a guy with a lot more, ahem, experience. She then decided to set me up with a friend of her's who, apparently, was as bewildered with her decision as I was. Well, I took that on the chin. I and V are still friends today, and with hindsight, perhaps this turned out well.

B: B... B... B... Chxta is aware of all the details on this one. When I met B in law school, I was sure that I'd finally found "the one". She got me (something no one else managed before or since). She understood my sense of humor, which could sometimes appear from way out in left field. When I talked to her, I never had that subconscious feeling that I should lower my intellectual standards. Heck, with her I actually felt I needed to raise them! For her, I would have sold my soul with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. For her, I would have fought armies of dragons and legions of devils. If my previous loves were conflagrations, she was the core of a blue supergiant. And boy, did she roast me. Before her, I had no idea what it was like to be owned by someone else. She was the source of my greatest joy, and the source of my greatest pain. Before her, I didn't know that pain could cleave you in two just as surely as a broadsword. She pushed me to the very brink of sanity, and that is no joke. I strongly believe that if I didn't end up in Uselu in December 2005, there is nothing else life can throw at me. Because she was the kitchen sink. And perhaps I did lose my mind, because as I sit here typing this, I realise that even with the foreknowledge of how things would turn out with her, I'd do it all over again, and I'd do it again gladly.

So, there they are. But given the fact that the last ball went smack into me arm, can't I get a fourth? Or shouldn't I be allowed to take my base?

Gentleman No Dey O!

2008-03-28T14:31:00.002+01:00

I read somewhere that when Jackie Robinson was signed as the first black man to play Major League Baseball, he was told there were certain things he could not partake in. These included foul language, alcohol, cigarettes, and (naturally) women. He was told that he had to be a model citizen and human being if he wanted other black players to follow in his footsteps. Of course, the white players on the team could cuss like sailors, drink like fishes, smoke like chimneys and hump like rabbits, but ole Jackie would only be allowed to watch them with longing in his heart.

Today, there are several black players in major league baseball (in fact, the MLB now says there aren't enough) and is consequently doing its level best to rekindle interest in baseball among black kids. But, like typical persons of African descent, they're mostly interested in basketball and football, which are the sure-fire tickets to large paydays. Baseball is doing ok, but many black kids dream of being like Mike.

Also, in today's MLB, the black players may use whatever swear words cross their minds, swim in bath tubs of beer, snort cocaine, smoke weed, and have orgies that would put the Romans to shame. America came around, and decided it was ok for the black guys to do whatever the white guys did. And boy, have they revelled in their freedom.

Now, we have one Senator Barack Obama (D, Illinois) or B-rock (thanks kulutempa), who is the first black man to be allowed to play American politics on the grandest stage of them all - the race for the White House. And like countless black men before him to challenge a white dominated establishment, he's had to be a gazillion times better than any of them just to get his foot in the door. And he's been pushing the door wider with every passing week.

When the race for the Democratic Party's nomination began, everyone expected it to be a coronation of Hillary Clinton. She'd been hotly tipped for the nomination as far back as the day her husband left office. Indeed, in the elections for New York's Senatorial Seat, coming in the aftermath of the September 11 attacks (during which Rudy Giuliani covered himself in glory for his handling of things in New York City) she proceeded to wipe the floor with Giuliani. During the last presidential race, she didn't run, mainly because she hadn't put enough on the ground, but even as the contest between John Kerry and Dubya was rounding up, Hillary let it be known that she was coming in next. At the time, there was no visible, credible opposition to her ambition, and she strutted around, probably choosing the drapes she would like in the Oval Office.

Then, the junior senator from Illinois stepped up. At first, people tended to dismiss him as another Jesse Jackson, who would make some noise, then fade so Queen Hillary could strut her way to the nomination. Hell, even this writer didn't think B-rock had as much chance as a snow ball in hell. (I'd have wagered money on the snowball, truth be told.) Then B-rock started winning. After he picked up his first few, Hillary went on air and shed some tears, then picked up a win. Then B-rock went on another long streak of wins, handing Hillary resounding defeats in primary after primary, and caucus after caucus. He picked up endorsements from some of the powerhouses in the Democratic party, including the entire Kennedy family, and overtook Hillary in campaign fund raising (a lead he still hasn't relinquished).

Then things started getting muddy, as Hillary and her husband decided to go to the Karl Rove School of Political Chicanery. Pictures of B-rock in traditional Kenyan dress, including headgear, were released by Hillary's campaign. The intent was to portray B-rock as a muslim. The staffers responsible for the incident "resigned" and Hillary's campaign went on. After that, they started mentioning his middle name, Hussein, and trying to whip up some of that good ole anti-Islamic sentiment. Through it all, B-rock refused to participate in the mudslinging, even though it ended up costing him California. Then she complained that B-rock was getting favourable coverage by the media! I mean, he's wiping the floor with her in vote after vote, and she wants them to talk about her? One of her campaign staff then said that if B-rcok wasn't a black man, he wouldn't be in the position he was in, ovbiously telling people that B-rock's wins were some kind of affirmative action. At first, Hillary merely distanced herself from the statement, without asking the woman to resign. Eventually though, Hillary bowed to pressure, and the woman "stepped aside."

Then Hillary started talking about B-rock's "lack of experience" and ran a "ringing phone" campaign ad calculated to whip up fear in voters. These enabled her to take Texas and Ohio. B-rock's controversial pastor then entered the equation, and this was used by Hillary to its maximum potential. Only the fact that B-rock is a gfted, nay brilliant, orator, was able to save his skin. Never mind that the said controversial pastor was received in the White House by Bill and Hillary Clinton while the former was POTUS.

Chxta has pointed out that it is perhaps time for B-rock to get into the gutter. While I am no fan of gutter politics, I certainly know that it is the single dirtiest game on earth, and American Politics is the king rat in that particular sewer. There is no way you can say "I'm a clean fighter" and get into the ring with Mike Tyson. In a certain video, Bruce Lee pointed out that in order to win a fight, you must be willing to adapt your style to match you opponent. He once grabbed a fellow actor from behind and held him in a choke hold. When the actor asked what to do in that situation, Bruce Lee simply said, "Bite me." The guy looked shocked that the undisputed king of martial arts would advocate stooping to such "underhanded" tactics. Then Bruce Lee said, "If you pour water into a cup, it becomes the cup. If you pour water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. Be water."

The long and short of that video was "Fuck Queensbury rules." I hate to say it, but B-rock must be willing to take the fight to Hillary on her own level. If that means dropping the Harvard inflections, and becoming more "street" so be it.

Hillary has handed him the perfect weapon - her lies about Bosnia. And simply saying things like "Experience, huh?" don't cut it, I'm sorry. He has to get in there and force people to take a good hard look at her so-called "experience" and realise it's all just smoke and mirrors. I know the Republicans are waiting for it to get really nasty so they can preserve their dirt-digging energy, but B-rock, despite everything, is still outraising John McCain, the Republican Presidential Candidate, by a whopping 5:1. A few choice revelations about Hillary, some more uncovered "misstatements" etc. Get people to know the real Hillary, not the one parading about in public. Strip her of her cloak of respectability, and bring out the woman who spat four letter tirades at Bill Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky affair and hurled a table lamp at his head.

B-rock needs to get under her skin in the same manner. And adopt the following as his new campaign slogan:

Dis wan dis wan, gentleman no dey o!
Dis wan dis wan, gentleman no dey o!

Take her down.

Gunshots, Flak Jackets, and Videotape

2008-03-25T12:30:00.002+01:00

Recently, Hillary Clinton, as part of her "foreign policy experience" campaign soundbites, stated that she recalled landing in Bosnia under sniper fire, and having to run straight to her car and get whisked off to the U.S. base located therein. While making this speech, Hillary laughed a little when mentioning the gunfire, as if to say "Hey, I'm cool about it, I've been shot at before, you know, gunshots ain't that big a deal. In other words, I can be cool under serious pressure."

Then the video of the event surfaced. Showing Hillary and Chelsea Clinton walking leisurely down from their plane, shaking hands with some military commanders, then stopping to have a poem recited to them by a little girl. Then strolling to their cars and driving off at the break-neck, sniper-fire avoiding speed of 20-25 mph.

Hillary now says she "misspoke". And that there was gunfire "in the hills around the airport". In other words "Fuck, where the hell did that video surface from? I thought we got all the copies." And "Ok, so they weren't, like, shooting at me, or in my general direction for that matter, but it was still pretty intense." She went further to say "They told us there would be gunfire, and that we'd have to move quickly... There was a little girl there, but I just took the thing from her and left." Gimme a break! I mean, "they told us"?! What about what actually happened? What she "remembered"? Was it a transplanted memory? Has she even seen the damn video? It was as scary in there as a kindergarten pillow fight for Christ's sake.

She's been caught in a massive lie, and now she looks like what she's been all along - Bill Clinton's wife. An American comedian (whose name I forget) once lampooned Hillar's foreing policy "experience" as follows: "I've been a comedian for 20 years, and I've been married for 10 of those years. But I'll bet if my wife gets up on this stage she won't be that funny."

Hillary's foreign policy experience is actually limited to 8 years of pillow talk with her husband while he was President of the United States. It is my humble opinion, therefore, that she should kindly stop telling the world she has any knowledge of how to deal with it.

And next time, she should make sure she gets all copies of the video before going out there and shooting her mouth off.

Palaver

2008-03-19T17:16:00.002+01:00

Ok, my friends know I am a man of certain peculiar contradictions. I only drink socially, and then only Guiness, but my fridge is stocked with all kinds of genuinely hard liquor (the only thing missing so far is a bottle of gin, which error I am assidiously working to rectify).

In The Mafia Manager, V said that a thief with no opportunity to steal considers himself an honest man. Of recent, I've found myself relating to that statement. And no, it's not the way you're thinking. See, since I made it out of puberty alive, and began wandering the haphazard minefield called women, I made it a rule to cast a wide net, but once a "fish" was hooked, discard all the rest, and concentrate on she that was "in hand". In other words, I fancied myself a one-woman-man. All these years of clinging to that belief, and now I find my principles being seriously tested. Perhaps I never was truly afforded the opportunity to double-date, and so felt free to take on the label of non-playa. In recent weeks, however, the said opportunity has, shall we say, presented itself. And, to quote my Wafi brothers, na me take my own hand find trouble.

I'm currently in a relationship with someone, I shall refer to as E, and she's fantastic. She's smart as a whip, disgustingly beautiful, and I wouldn't trade her for all the Angelina Jolies in the world. The catch is, she's not here. We talk on the phone a lot, but the last time I saw her was in January. I had to spend Val's day doing, erm, something, erm, of a private nature. Nuff said. The thing is, I love her. She is my heart, my soul.

So, where does this post spring from? About three months ago, I met this other lady, M. At first, it was all "harmless" flirtation, nothing serious. I'd go to her office to transact business, and we'd shoot the breeze. I was on a roll. I became a favoured customer, allowed to jump queues, which in Naija, is a nice option to have. Somewhere along the line, our business relationship became more personal. I'd call her after work, and we'd hang out. Some weekends, we'd spend the whole of Saturday together, indoors, watching movies (get your mind out the gutter). My cousin, who's a girl, started flashing these warning signs in my face. Reminding me I had a girlfriend, and telling me M was some serious competition, and telling me I was allowing M become part of my life. I laughed and said we were just friends, and if it made her feel comfortable, I'd tell M I had a girlfriend, as M had told me she had a boyfriend. Soon after I delivered that piece of news, M and I had a falling out. She picked some issue to quarrel with me over, told me I didn't care about her, and told me not to call her again.

From then on, it was strictly business between us. My "favoured customer" status was revoked, and I whenever I did get to her, it was all mechanical, the banter was gone. I shrugged. No skin off my nose, and all that.

Then I found, to my instant dismay, that I was missing M. It made absolutely zero sense. I even told myself that I must be loco. I asked myself why I cared. But the feeling wouldn't go away, in fact, it got worse. Like an OOBE, I found myself doing things to get her attention. I changed my evening run route so it passed by her office, and then her home. Didn't go in, though. I'm not a stalker. (Feel free to trot out the "opportunity" statement here.) In any event, after doing some things I will not repeat here, M and I got back on speaking terms, then laughing terms, then post-work terms.

The thing is, I have wondered how it was that I allowed M get so deep under my skin. Whether I like it or not, she's actually become E's fierce rival in my head, and once my head goes, the rest of me follows. I know it's not fair to E, since she's not around to directly defend her territory. M is very much like E, especially in my most important category - the ability to have a conversation without feeling like I'm speaking Greek to a Chinese mule.

My feelings for E have not diminished in anyway, in fact they're as strong as they've ever been. But somewhere along the line, I have developed feelings for M that are steadily growing stronger. And I don't know what to do. I could break up with E, which is impossible. I could cut M off completely, which, judging by recent events, stands shoulder-to-shoulder with impossible. Or I could yell "geronimo" and see where this roller-coaster is headed.

Either way, I've now learned what Fela meant when he said "When trouble sleep, yanga go wake am..."

Red Light, Green Light

2008-03-12T16:03:00.006+01:00

Ed's Note: I think it's high time I had this particular rant. In fact, it's been a long, long time coming.

When I was a kid, there was a game we played called "Red Light, Green Light". The game was based on the colours of the traffic lights, so someone got to play the traffic light, and the others got to play cars. So, when you heard "red light", you stopped, and when you heard "green light", you moved. The purpose of the game was to get to the position of the "traffc light", and in so doing, you got to take over and exercise some iron-fisted, dictatorial control over the rest of your playmates since no one could move without your say so. But if a player moved before green light was called, the person either got thrown out of the game, or ordered back some steps. And no, no one could play the role of a bullion van.

Now I am an adult, living and working in Abuja, and sometimes I wish I could play that game with Abuja drivers, only, instead of throwing rule breakers out of the game, I'd get a fucking car compactor and crush their fucking cars. Preferrably with them inside. The amount of broken glass I've seen on the road in the last year is enough to build a glass car, complete with glass wheels and a glass engine. I don't know if referrring to many Abuja drivers as maniacal psychopaths would be construed as an insult to true maniacal psychopaths everywhere. They don't stop when they see red lights, they drive on the pedestrian walkway if there's a hold up, and they see absolutely nothing wrong in staying in the turning lane, then heading straight, usually running into someone who was turning.

And don't even get me started on the speed. I know that for many Nigerians, the idea of a road that is both wide and smooth is a fairy tale. But many, on arriving at just such a place, react like they're in heaven, and decide to find out whether the 200 on the speedometer was just put there by the manufacturer or if it's actually an attainable speed. And then, with screeching tyres and melding metal, they're reminded that they're actually on good ole earth.

A couple of nights ago, I watched some idiot total an Inifinti QX9. He approached a corner way too fast, and instead of heading straight and looking for the next U-Turn, he jumped on the brakes and tried to make the turn. (Perhaps he'd just finished watching "The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift" or something.) In any event, with loud squeal of tires, he slammed into the road divider, went airborne, and came to rest against a stop light. And, just to prove that Fortune is indeed blind and takes care of fools, he stumbled out of the wreck with nary a scratch. The wonders of modern engineering, perhaps. Others, though, are not so lucky.

Nigerians appear generally incapable of exercising any sort of self regulation when the authorities decide to abdicate. Whenever I stop to allow others pass, I am assualted by a cacophony of car horns, and other drivers decide to zoom around me since I apparently don't have a destination in mind and am just wandering aimlessly.

Now, in the event of power failure (insert hearty guffaw/snide snicker here) the human back up is expected to kick in to prevent accidents. It is a notorious fact that at several junctions in Abuja, the traffic lights have not worked for so long it would be safe to assume they were installed by an ancient and wonderfully idealistic civilisation.

At these junctions, which are entirely in human hands, you must screw your courage to the sticking place if you're driving towards them at any time between 12 and 2pm. Because that's when the traffic controllers choose to retire to some leafy shade to gist and watch the traffic control itself. Of course, when the inevitable accident occurs, they hop out adjust their uniforms and haul out the trusty rope and blue chalk to apportion blame for the incident. Never mind that they are being paid to make sure that the accident wouldn't occur in the first place.

And, before they start bitching about the lousy pay and poor work conditions, there are some of them who take some pride in what they do. There's a particular guy who can be found at his post rain or shine, and not only does he do his job, he fucking dances while doing it. I guess that makes him special, huh?

In any event, it's only God that keeps one out of the crosshairs of these fucking wacko drivers. And I pray I never run into one. Because I'll fucking murder the bastard.

A Strong PIMP Hand

2008-02-12T11:56:00.000+01:00

When President Yar'adua was sworn in, many pointed to the manner of his emergence, and the overwhelming influence of Baba on that process as evidence that Yar'adua would be a mere marionette, and Baba would be pulling the strings. I must admit that part of me shared this view. Then I ran into a certain paramount ruler from the northern part of Nigeria, and in the course of talking polictics, he told me things about Yar'adua which made my jaw drop. I am now seeing some of these things manifested.

President Yar'adua is not a tough-talking, rambunctious, hard-as-nails, general-who-never-fires-blank like his predecessor, but he's certainly demonstrated a capacity for independent thought since he took office. The list of policy positions he has taken in direct contrast or even glaring opposition to Baba is growing daily.

First, he repossessed the refineries in the wake of deafening public outcry, an action Baba would never even have contemplated for a nanosecond. This demonstrated that President Yar'adua was cut from not just a different cloth, but came from a different textile factory entirely. At that time, I rubbed my hands in anticipation of what would come next.

When Ettehgate occured, inside gist had it that Baba prevailed on Yar'adua several times to use his office to save her job. Yar'adua not only refused, he flared up whenever anyone suggested he was going to act to save Etteh. Again, this was a marked departure from the norm under Baba, during whose tenure the very idea of an independent National Assembly would have had the originator of such a perfidious idea immediately sent to pasture. Indeed, the emergence of Senator Ken Nnamani as Senate President was not Baba's idea, and he balked at it, but the Senators, for once, stood up to him and insisted on having their own President for once. And we all know how that turned out for Baba.

Now, Yar'adua is begining to re-examine the entire privatisation process. It started with a Ministerial investigation into the sales of NIOMCO, Delta Steel and Ajaokuta Steel to Gbenga Obasanjo (yes, the same one), and though the full findings of the panel are yet to be revealed, a sneak peek reveals several irregularities, and downright illegalities. This means the "sale" will have to be scrutinised even deeper, and maybe repudiated.

The most recent event involves the "privatisation" of NITEL/Mtel and subsequent takeover by Transcorp. Now, that particular takeover has been plagued by more problems than a pastor in a whorehouse. First, the whole IILL mess cost Llonge his job at First Bank, and the process was stopped. Then the process was restarted, and Baba refused to include the value of Mtel's mobile license ($250 million) and NITEL's considerable equipment and property holdings nationwide in the valuation of the company as it was sold at a knock-down drag-out price to Transcorp.

Then Transcorp came in, brought BT to operate NITEL, and in record time, BT pulled out. Since then, NITEL/Mtel have not had an operator. Salaries have been unpaid, and now the government has gotten fed up with all the delays and excuses, and has passed a resolution ordering Transcorp to make 27% of it's holdings in NITEL/Mtel available for sale to an investor with proper qualifications and experience.

Okereke-Onyiuke, Chairman of Transcorp's Frankensteinian board, has come out to say nothing can be done with NITEL until 2009 under the terms of the privatisation agreement. I think someone should whisper in her ear that she should keep such ideas to herself if she doesn't want to piss off the Federal Government.

A pissed off Federal Government will simply nationalise Transcorp, boot out the board, including herself, and then do what it wants with the assets of the company, including one 5-star Hilton Hotel. And if she doesn't think it's possible, she should talk to Jimoh Ibrahim.

In any event, President Yar'adua is certainly showing us all that his PIMP hand is strong. Very strong.

$16 Billion?!

2008-02-11T12:22:00.000+01:00

When the National Assembly began sitting on President Yar'adua's first budget, everyone expected they would be done in time for the Christmas/New Year break. However, this was not to be. This National Assembly refused to simply rubber-stamp the budget, and began exercising their oversight functions for the first time. By using their legal powers, they began making startling discoveries. They found out that there were some secret government accounts containing several hundred billion Naira, which were not reflected in the budget. This was hastily rectified. They found out that there were states who had monies illegally deducted from their allocations to pay off Nigeria's debt by Obasanjo, and ordered the CBN to promptly refund the money. They raised the benchmark crude oil price proposed by Yar'adua. Then they began looking at past expenditure, perhaps merely expecting to get a feel for what their predecessors were prone to doling out. Talk about opening up a barrell of worms.

When it was revealed that Obasanjo's administration had blown $10,000,000,000.00 (Ten Billion Dollars) on the power sector with no results, Nigerians were outraged. For that kind of money, we expected to see some drastic improvements in 8 years, not a steady and accelerating decline. For that kind of money, every bush path in Nigeria should have had a row of working streetlights. For that kind of money, we ought to have consigned that all-time favourite expression of NEPA/PHCN, "load-shedding" to the rubbish heap of archaic expressions. For that kind of money, Nigerian generator importers ought to have started looking for another country to set up shop. For that kind of money, Nigerians should have been smiling.

Last week, Speaker of the House of Representatives, Hon. Dimeji Bankole, revealed that Baba had actually blown $16,000,000,000.00 (Sixteen Billion Dollars) on the power sector. He also revealed that the extra 6 billion was in "extra-budgetary expenditure". Now, perhaps Hon. Bankole was still smarting at the disrespect he was shown at a recent PDP meeting, during which he was told to stay outside while PDP had its caucus meeting and was thus getting his own back, but there have been no denials of his statement. If anything, the silence has been deafening.

$16 Billion is a huge amount of money, and there have so far been no explanations as to where it went. Furthermore, the fact that there was 6 Billion in "extra-budgetary expenditure" must raise our eyebrows for it means 6 Billion unbudgeted dollars were spent on power. This from a government that always cried poverty when told to spend money on education, health and roads.

These revelations add more fuel to the steadily growing clamour for the probe of Baba's tenure, despite the recent clean bill of health handed to him by Uncle Nuhu, who has himself been axed, and banished to Kuru.

How long can President Yar'adua continue to ignore theses calls, especially given his Rule of Law posture? Surely, the Rule of Law doesn't rule out probing a previous administration even if only to ascertain where these huge sums of money went. Or does it?

Home Video

2007-12-12T15:57:00.001+01:00

Thunder booms in background, jagged lightning slashes across sky, rapid-fire commentary delivered in "grave" tone, accompanied by video montage almost guaranteed to induce an attack of epilepsy.

Address flashes across screen, listing addresses in Onitsha and Lagos, and leaving viewer to wonder just how many movie companies can occupy not just the same street, but the same address. Screen goes blank...

Mournful song is played containing lyrics telling the entire story of the movie to follow. Ok, you think, since you now know exactly what's going to happen in movie, time to move on. But you've discovered a hidden masochistic streak which glues your butt to the chair. Brain sends message to butt cheeks: "Send all nerve endings into stand-by mode. This is going to be a long one."

Screen slowly brightens, showing village setting. Festival in progress. Flute and drum players take center-stage. "Hey, culture!," you say gleefully, and settle back to watch. Dancers prance on screen, and proceed to gyrate till covered from head to toe in glistening sweat. You check your watch: 30 minutes gone in movie, and still not a word of dialogue. Ok, so it's a musical, you surmise, or perhaps a dance fest. Camera zooms in one scowling figure, one smiling one, and two ovbious love-birds, then pans to dancers, and screen fades to black. Huh? you ask.

Screen brightens again, showing palace, or at least, that's what it looks like. Men gathered in council. Some wearing cotton vests. Er, you ask, wasn't this movie supposedly set in 1403 or something of that nature? Men argue on screen, scowling figure prevalent. You check watch: another 30 minutes have flown by. Screen fades to black.

Screen brightens again. Love-birds shown doing, well, love things. Characters prance around screen, chasing each other, music plays. Screen fades to black. You check watch: another 30 minutes of your life seem to have mysteriously vanished.

Message appears on screen: "To God be the glory" quickly followed by "Watch out for Part 2".

You blink slowly. You try to rise from your seat, but your brain seems unable to restore power to your legs. You sense liquid on your chin, and wipe it away, only to discover it's spittle. You shake your head, wondering where all these damned cobwebs came from. You try to remember your name, and the letters seem to come to you a lot slower than they did a scant 90 minutes ago. Brain gradually reboots, but is sluggish, seems to have been infected by a nasty Trojan.

Congratulations, you have just endured a Nigerian "Home Video"...

(Watch out for Part 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,...)

He's an S.O.B, But...

2007-11-13T11:09:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time, certain men were engaged in a war with the then Soviet Union. The men claimed they had the right to independence and self-determination, and were superbly backed up by the U.S. of A, who provided them with sophisticated weapons and training.

Eventually, the leaders of these men were received on the White House lawn in a ceremony, and described by then President of the U.S., Ronald Reagan, as the "moral equivalents of America's founding fathers" while the flashbulbs popped.

These men were from a certain Afghanistan, and were the core leadership of a group within the "resistance" called the Taliban...

You see, back then, it was the in-thing to be anti-Communist, and every Communist or Soviet leaning government became a "regime" in the words of White House Press Releases, and in the publications and broadcasts of the Western press. It didn't matter if these governments were democractically elected, which they usually were.

In Latin America, terrified by the prospect of having Communist governments in its backyard, America sponsored several coups-d'etat, assassinations, and so on. They propped up all manner of repressive, murderous regimes in the name of "strategic allies" and so on.

In Africa, the same thing happened. If you wanted freedom to murder as many of your citizens as you could, while looting your treasury, all you had to do was label them "Communists" and America would send you a care package, and stroll off in the other direction while whistling "Dixie". Nelson Mandela, who was fighting for the emancipation of the Black South African, was labelled a Communist and thrown in jail for twenty-seven years. When the Apartheid regime murdered several hundred unarmed students in Soweto, the Americans did not condemn this action, they simply looked the other way. Britain actively supported the activities of the regime in South Africa, which led to British Petroleum in Nigeria becoming African Petroleum after it was nationalised by an enraged Nigerian government.

In the Middle East, Saddam Hussein of Iraq was free to purchase mustard gas and other biological and chemical weapons as long as he served the purpose of keeping Iran quiet. When he turned the mustard gas on the Kurds in northern Iraq, no one said a damn thing.

The list could go on and on. There are countless instances where a government is elected in a free and fair election, but overthrown by an American sponsored coup because the new President wouldn't have played ball.

These days, anti-Communist has been replaced by anti-Terrorist.

You see, at some point, after the Americans had used them to embarrass the Soviet Union and promptly dropped them, the Taliban got angry. The millions of dollars in aid they had been promised to help them rebuild their shattered country never arrived, and they were, naturally, pissed. They realised they had been a one-war stand with the U.S. who never bothered to call or write afterwards, and they planned their revenge, extracting it spectacularly on September 11, 2001.

America howled in pain and rage, went into Afghanistan, and rooted them out. Suddenly, smart dictators all over the world realised that the new way to consolidate their power had arrived, and none jumped on the bandwaggon faster than one Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan.

You see, General Musharraf had a serious problem - America wasn't too happy with his military dictatorship status, and was begining to make serious noises about forcing him out of power. For him, therefore, September 11, 2001 was like a gift from God, and he seized it with both hands. Quickly, he made all the right noises, and all the right actions, mounting military campaigns against Al-Qaeda "strongholds" in Pakistan, and by so doing, become America's new best friend. Having consolidated his position as a "strategic ally" he decided the time was right to focus on extending his rule in Pakistan.

At the time the people of Pakistan are demanding elections be held in a free and fair atmosphere, General don't-let-the-safari-suit-fool-ya Musharraf suddenly declared a state of emergency, shut down all private radio and television stations, arrested all "hostile" judges and hounded all notable oppostion figures into hiding or jail. He's made it a point of duty to arrest all persons of learning, especially the lawyers, and toss them all in the clink, thereby depriving the opposition of an intellectual front.

America, has of course, remained resolutely silent, and apart from the usual diplomatic noises, has refused to unequivocally tell the General that his actions are unacceptable, and everyday that passes emboldens Musharraf to abrogate some new freedom of his "subjects".

This is because America's policy with regard to repressive, totalitarian regimes can be summed up in one sentence: "He's an S.O.B, but, by God, he's OUR S.O.B!"

What's Good For The Goose...

2007-11-09T12:34:00.000+01:00

Some time ago, Hamas terrorists operating out of Southern Lebanon crossed the border into Israel and abducted four Israeli soldiers who were on patrol. Hamas then demanded the release of some of its members who were languishing in Israeli prisons in exchange for the four soldiers.

Israel declared it would not negotiate with terrorists, then launched a bombing campaign on Hamas held areas in Lebanon. Hamas retaliated by launching missile attacks on Israel. What happened next stunned everyone. Israel, in the name of "cutting off supplies to Hamas" proceeded to bomb every single bridge in Lebanon. When that was done, Israel then proceeded to utterly destroy the Beirut International Airport. When the Lebanese President protested, he was told that the destruction of his country's infrastructure was his punishment for failing to control Hamas.

George W. Bush went on air to say Israel was fully justified in its actions, even when it became clear that the bombing campaign was no longer about four kidnapped soldiers, but rather about (in the words of an Israeli general) "setting Lebanon's infrastructure back twenty years". When the bombing moved to schools and hospitals, Israel said Hamas was hiding it's members in those places. When the bodies of children were brought out of the smoking rubble, Israel naturally maintained a stony silence.

It took months of international pressure to end the bombing. I will never forget the sight of the Lebanese president talking about what Israel was doing to his country, and breaking down in tears on international television. The lesson America and Israel taught the world during that period was quite simple - if some terrorist attacks your country, you make his government pay.

Now, that lesson looks set to return to bite the Americans in the ass. Kurdish terrorists, operating out of Northern Iraq, crossed the border into Turkey, and murdered 17 Turkish soldiers. Turkey has been having problems with the Kurds for a while now, and were probably among those who were sad to see Saddam Hussein go, as he was responsible for keeping the Kurds quiet. Indeed, Turkey denied the U.S. permission to overfly their territory during the invasion of Iraq.

With the attack on its soldiers, Turkey began contemplating military action in Iraq. Syria and Iran, being perrenial trouble-makers, were quick to state they would fully support any military action undertaken by the Turks. There are no prizes for guessing which example was cited by Syria and Iran as their precedent for dealing with the Kurdish terrorists. The Kurds hastily offered a cease-fire which was rejected out of hand by Turkey. The Turkish people took to the streets demanding a response from their government.

Seeing that they would now have to either engage Turkey in military action in violation of their NATO treaty, or step aside and let Turkey destroy their new vacation location for oil executives, America and Britain threw themselves on their knees and begged Turkey not to retaliate.

By Israeli precedent, Turkey could bomb Baghdad back to the Stone Age (whichever parts the Americans have not yet destroyed), they could bomb every road, bridge, and footpath to cut off the Kurds from their supplies, they could bomb the airports, the sea ports, etc., and should the puppet government in Iraq complain, they will be told that it is their punishment for failing to control the Kurds. And when they run out of infrastructure to destroy, they can then face the job of destroying hospitals and schools to make sure no Kurdish terrorists are hiding within.

Turkey may not choose the military option, but it's nice to know that if they do, they'll only be following the example of America and Israel and opening a new chapter in the "War of Terror".

The Burden Of History

2007-09-10T14:09:00.000+01:00

Is it just me, or has Baba been sounding more and more like a petulant child of recent? First of all, he whined on and on about being stuck in a Lagos traffic jam for three hours. If I were in his shoes, I would have been overjoyed to have gotten out of the traffic jam without being lynched by irate Nigerians, or falling victim to the numerous armed robbers who treat traffic jams the way lions treat herds of buffalo.

Next, Baba whined that he'd stopped reading Nigerian newspapers because the journalists were always criticising him. This coming from a man who once had (or still has) a sign outside Ota Farm saying, "Women, Dogs, and Journalists Not Welcome"!

Now, Baba has issued perhaps his most famous gaffe yet. He's said that he doesn't listen to those who criticise his tenure because "History" would judge him. I am not 100% certain, but I think the impact of his butt hitting terra firma must have scrambled the old man's brains.

In case his Special Advisers (whose advice he famously declared he didn't have to take, despite having so many of them) forgot to mention it, his tenure officially became historical material on May 29, 2007. Once he handed over to Yar'adua, any detractors of his were free to line up batteries of artillery and take as many shots at his reign as they desired. They can now call him a liar, thief, dictator, corrupt man, etc. for one simple reason - he no longer has the coercive power of the state to crush them. And they will revel in their new found freedom. In any event, whether it's 3 months, 3 years, 3 decades, or even 3 millenia from now, History will remember Baba's tenure for the following events:

1. Incessant fuel price hikes.
2. Inability to reform power sector despite several arrogant boasts, eventually blamed woes on "saboteurs".
3. Inability to restore refineries despite billions of naira spent.
4. Increase in militant activities, crippling foreign investment in Niger-Delta, and leading to the loss of billions of naira.
5. Rampant corruption at all levels of government.
6. Monumentally fraudulent elections in 2003.
7. Astronomically fraudulent elections in 2007.
8. Use of anti-corruption agencies to harrass and intimidate political opponents.
9. Kidnap of a sitting governor with no repercussions for perpetrators.
10. Rampant disregard for court orders.
11. Blatant theft of public parastatals by government officials (including Baba) through "privatisation" fire sales.
12. Introduced and sustained an enabling environment for the continued rape of Nigerians by GSM companies.
13. The Senate President Relay Race.
14. Incessant throat clearing.
15. Attempted and failed to amend constitution to give himself third term as President.

And this is by no means an exhaustive list.

So, in my capacity as an "amateur" historian, I would give Baba a pass mark for his tenure. Why, you wonder? Well, if only for the fact that all his other failures were outweighed by his failure to get a third term. That, at least, brought unbridled joy and happiness to Nigerians, and for giving us all the opportunity to point fingers and laugh (at him) he should be fondly remembered.

Security!!!

2007-09-06T12:45:00.000+01:00

Three men walk into view. Each carries a briefcase, and all are well dressed in suits and ties. They walk up to a door which is guarded by a large and powerfully built man, and attempt to walk past him.

Guard: Hold it fellas. Just where do you think you’re going?

1^st Man: We’re here to update the security systems of this facility.

Guard: Nice try pal. Step back please.

1^st Man: What’s the meaning of this? We built this installation, and we’re here to run a security update.

Guard: Really? Ok, let’s see some ID.

1^st Man: This is an outrage. I’ll have your job for this, I promise you.

2^nd Man: Just show him the ID.

3^rd Man: Yeah.

1^st Man: (Flashes Badge) Microsoft Security Systems. Now let us through.

Guard: Sorry, can’t do that.

MSS3: Why the hell not?

Guard: You don’t have clearance.

MSS2: What do you mean “clearance”? We built this joint, we know every loophole in it.

MSS1: As a matter of fact, I’d like to see your ID, and know what the hell you’re doing here.

Guard: (Sighs) Zone Labs Security.

MSS3: Zone Labs? What are you doing here?

(Sudden commotion, man, apparently just the recipient of a rather heavy beating, is frog marched out the door, and thrown unceremoniously into garbage dump)

MSS1: Who the fuck was that?

ZL: That was Mr. Norton. I take it he’s just been fired.

MSS2: Mr. Norton was our liaison here. What happened?

ZL: Apparently he allowed some unauthorized persons into the facility.

MSS3: And for that he got beaten up that badly?

ZL: Well, the Boss took exception to the fact that they were shacked up in his office.

MSS1: I don’t believe it. Mr. Norton is highly trained. He’d never allow something like that.

ZL: Look pal, Norton’s gone, we are now in charge of this facility, and if you want in, you’ll have to get clearance from the boss.

MSS2: So, call him, and let us speak with him.

ZL: Fine. (Dials wearily)

BOSS: What is it?

ZL: Sorry to disturb you sir, but there’s some guys down here asking me to let them in.

BOSS: And who are they?

ZL: Some Microsoft Security people.

BOSS: (Cigar glows suddenly, showing features in hideous mask of rage) Microsoft, eh?

ZL: Yes sir.

BOSS: Has Norton been disposed of?

ZL: Yes sir.

BOSS: Did the Microsoft people see it happen?

ZL: Yes sir. They were right here.

BOSS: Good. Put one of them on the phone.

ZL: Yes sir. (To MSS1) He wants to speak with you.

MSS1: Hello?

BOSS: Microsoft Security?

MSS1: Yes sir. We’re here to…

BOSS: Shut the fuck up.

MSS1: (Stunned gasp)

BOSS: Now, listen to me you worm, and listen good. That prick Norton you stuck me with couldn’t find his own asshole with both hands and a GPS-assisted map.

MSS1: Mr. Norton came with the highest recommend…

BOSS: Didn’t I tell you to shut up?

MSS1: (Swallows)

BOSS: Now, I’ve had to relieve Norton of his duties, and my facilities were naked until a friend recommended the Zone boys. And they do a helluva better job than Norton ever dreamed of.

MSS1: Yes sir.

BOSS: Now, what the fuck do you want?

MSS1: We’re here to run a security check.

BOSS: (Laughs uproariously) Security? Tell me you’re joking.

MSS1: Er, it was in er, the contract you signed, sir.

BOSS: Fine, fine. I’m a law-abiding man, and I’ll honor the contract.

MSS1: That’s good sir.

BOSS: However, the Zone people will accompany you every step of the way, and their permission must be granted for any thing you touch. Is that clear?

MSS1: Sir, that is highly irregular, and I’m not sure I can…

BOSS: Fine. You do it my way, or you don’t do it at all. I won’t have you pricks planting something on me.

MSS1: I must consult my team…

BOSS: While you’re consulting, bear in mind that I’ve got other people begging for your contract, and I find myself leaning their way a bit…

MSS1: (Clearly terrified) Of course, sir. (Hands phone back to ZL)

ZL: Boss?

BOSS: Shadow them all the way. And make sure they don’t leave anything behind.

ZL: Yes sir. (Hangs up, and signals three colleagues)

MSS2: Who are they?

ZL: They will be your escort. And if you so much as breathe funny, you boys will be discussing the contents of the garbage can with your pal Norton. Get me?

MSS1: (Subdued) Yes.

The End.

Substance Abuse

2007-08-27T12:44:00.000+01:00

Ed’s Note: The Law has not suddenly become an economist, a macro-economist or any other sort of economic or financial pontificator. The Law, under no coercion, threat, other form of intimidation, hereby willingly admits that he knows sweet fuck-all about economic theory. The Law is merely speaking via the instrument of common sense. Which instrument is (according to The Law’s mother in one of her many pearls of wisdom) not that common…

No, no, boys and girls. This is not a treatise on the dangers of weed, cocaine, alcohol, or amphetamines. This is not about “just saying no.” This is not about resisting peer pressure.

Sometimes, men undertake certain actions which can not simply be explained away, actions which require deeper scrutiny as to the motives behind them. General Custer deciding that Little Big Horn was an excellent place to make camp, Hugh Grant deciding to get a blow job in his car, General Abacha forgetting to read the small pamphlet contained in the box of Viagra, Tricky Dick sending his men to the Watergate Hotel, Bill Clinton forgetting that dried, two-week old semen stains still contain DNA, Adolf Hitler looking at Great Britain, half-crippled and just waiting for the Wermacht to come strolling in, and deciding to invade the Soviet Union instead, and so on.

Given a chance to explain, these men, great, powerful, influential, popular, would probably mumble something about pressures of work, the need to relieve tension, and give the public the sad puppy look while pleading for forgiveness (this worked especially well for Hugh Grant, except his babe was not amused). If you probe a little deeper, you might find that there was one shot of whisky too many involved, or an extra hit off a stick of igbo so strong it shouldn’t even be allowed on the market.

Perhaps this explanation will suffice to explain the recent decision of CBN Governor Soludo to “re-denominate” the Naira.

Suddenly, with Baba gone, Soludo found himself in the cold following the ascension of Umoru to power, and this despite his decision to drop “Charlie” and get back to his roots. Chuks, as he now wants to be known, went into seclusion for a while. This was rather unusual for a man who did his best to stay in the media spotlight every other week during the tenure of Baba. Some disrespectful wags said he was merely taking the route of Old Testament prophets, and going into the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights at the conclusion of which he would emerge emaciated, bushy bearded, and, perhaps, bearing a stone tablet or two containing the cure for Nigeria’s economic woes.

So, when Chuks called a press conference, everyone was curious. People wanted to know if he had indeed returned with a stone tablet, and whether God had managed to learn how to write in Igbo sometime in the past 4,000 years or so. A stone tablet would surely not have been as shocking as what Chuks did have to say. His resignation? No such luck. And no stone tablets either. Rather, Chuks announced that as of August 1, 2008, we would be dropping two zeroes from our currency, scrapping the all notes from 50 Naira and above, issuing new notes, and pegging our dollar exchange rate at N1.25 in the new currency. Over the next few days, persons took to the pages of the papers lauding the new direction of the currency policy, rolling out the drums, ticker tape, confetti, balloons and so on. Chuks’ speech was described as “ground-breaking” (indeed, the collective impact of millions of jaws hitting the floor was felt so strongly across the world that a tsunami warning was issued). He was hailed as the best thing to happen to Nigeria since…since…erm…Obasanjo.

This is the same Chuks who told us to spend hundreds of millions printing 1000 Naira notes which he explained as being necessary for “high volume transactions” (read PDP National Convention). Next, he told us to spend billions of naira printing new 50, 20, 10, and 5 Naira notes and minting new coins. Further hundreds of millions were spent on a nationwide publicity campaign to “sensitize” Nigerians to the new notes. Now, barely a year after, Chuks wants us to scrap the 1000 Naira note, (election don pass, abi?), and apparently print new 20 Naira notes to replace the current ones, as well as new 50 kobo, 1, 5, and 10 Naira notes. Naturally, this will run into further billions of Naira.

Now, re-denomination in and of itself is not a bad idea. If your currency is in the toilet, that is. If prices in your currency make as much sense as base jumping without a parachute. Or if your economy is in the midst of a crippling crisis and inflation has sent prices zooming out towards Alpha Centauri at Warp Seven. Indeed, the examples Chuks gave in his “ground-breaking” speech were all uniformly of countries experiencing one of more of the above.

Argentina was in the midst of a series of economic crises so crippling they tried everything short of contacting a babalawo (and I’m not sure they didn’t do that) when they re-denominated their currency several times between 1970 and 1992.

Germany was feeling the effects of an ill-advised attempt to conquer the world, and groaning under the effects of the Treaty of Versailles when they re-denominated the Mark in 1923. And in 1948, after yet another ill-advised attempt to conquer the world, they re-denominated again. Third time’s the charm, anyone?

Buying a bottle of Coca Cola (I could have said coke) in Ghana cost thousands of cedis, prior to their decision to re-denominate. Need I say more?

His other examples of Bolivia, Mexico, Brazil, Poland, and Uganda (yes, that Uganda) to mention a few, simply aren’t worth puncturing.

Was Chuks, by mentioning these crisis babies, perhaps trying to tell us we would were either experiencing an economic crisis, or would soon be in the middle of one? You’d lean this way if not for the fact that in the same speech, Chuks mentioned the fact that our banking sector was booming, and we would soon have not one, not two, but seven banks with market capitalization exceeding $1 billion. Hardly sounds like an economy in crisis, does it?

He said we would be restoring the Naira to its pre-SAP value by re-denominating. Let’s look at that for a minute. Prior to SAP, in the 80s, the Naira exchanged at close to par with the dollar, and while our economy wasn’t exactly booming like it was in the 60s, it wasn’t dead either. Maradona, in his infinite wisdom, decided to take an IMF loan, but opened the topic to debate by Nigerians. The people told him we didn’t need the IMF and their loans and conditions. Maradona nodded, wisely, announced his intention to abide by the wishes of the overwhelming majority of his countrymen, then took the loan anyway. As part of the IMF’s conditions, he devalued the Naira, and adopted such other economic “measures” as prescribed by the IMF which promptly sent our economy into diarrhea-induced intestinal cramps.

Even so, at the time of the dark-goggled one (of blessed memory), our Naira was exchanging at 85 to a dollar, and stayed that way for a while. When the reform champion, General-who-never-fires-blank, and all-round tough guy, Baba arrived on the scene, the Naira inexplicably nose-dived to 130 to a dollar, and has since hovered between 130 and 127. With the repayment of our foreign debt, and the rising clamor for our Naira to be restored to its pre-Maradona days, Chuks has decided to chop everyone off at the knees. If the Naira-Dollar exchange rate goes to N1.25 in the new regime, it simply means that we are now exchanging our currency at the current rate of N125. The value of the currency would not have improved, and Chuks is banking on the semantics involved to blind everyone to the reality of the situation.

As a friend in the banking sector put it, “If from August 2008, the 500 Naira recharge card goes for 5 Naira, you’ll still have to shed the same blood sweat and tears for the 5 Naira as you currently do for the 500. The value of the currency won’t improve in any way.” This is so true.

The difference between revaluing the currency and re-denominating is therefore stark and bare. If the currency was revalued, the value contained in the Naira would rise accordingly. Re-denominating is having currency of the same value, but without the same name, or as we liked to say back in UNIBEN, I say see neck, you say see throat.

Now that Umoru has “suspended” Chuks’ plans (prior to giving him the boot, it is whispered in some quarters) I hope he doesn’t give in to any flowery explanations or rationalizations, and the plan remains suspended indefinitely.

If Chuks could kindly let us have the number of his weed-man, I'm sure we will then be able to join him on cloud 27, or where ever he was when the crazy idea entered his head.

Diplomatic Impunity

2007-08-16T15:05:00.000+01:00

I have no doubt that every morning, the staff of the British High Commission in Nigeria wake up, peruse their newspapers, and heave huge sighs of relief. Another day has passed, and their offices haven't been bombed, burned down, invaded, etc.

They probably exchange "jolly goods" and any other nonsensical expressions when they arrive at work, and settle down for another day of doing what they perhaps enjoy more than anything else - looking for new and innovative ways to scam Nigerians.

For, make no mistake about it, a massive, massive scam is going on at the British High Commission, perpertrated through their UK Visa Applications Center.

Now, perhaps, we Nigerians are partly to blame, what with our apparent burning desire to visit their country and contribute our quota to its development at the expense of our own, and they can perhaps claim that in the mire of thousands of applications that pour in daily, legitimate persons get the bum's rush. But come the fuck on!

Here's how the scam works - you pay your Visa Application fee, and are given a form to fill. The staff of the UK Visa Applications Center are remarkably helpful in letting you know what documents to submit in support of your application, depending on what type it is. You go off, get the required documents, ranging from Sponsors' Letters to Bank Statements, and submit them in support of your application. Then you settle down for a two-week waiting period (officially). At the end of two weeks, assuming you've done all they asked, they should grant your request, right? You'd be sooooooo wrong.

Over the past year, several people I know have applied for varying visas from the UK VAC. All of them have been denied. Perhaps, you say, all these people have wrongly filled in their information, or failed to provide vital documents, but that isn't so.

My good friend, who is now in the UK and contemplating a Ph.D, was denied a student visa on his first application on the ground that although he'd paid his school fees in full, he was not considered to have sufficient funds to pay for his Masters Programme! Huh? He paid the entire fee, submitted evidence of this fact, and yet was told he didn't have the funds to pay for a Masters programme, which he'd already done. It was only on his second application that the Visa was granted. Naturally, he had to pay another Visa Application Fee, and submitted the exact same documents, before he was granted his Visa.

Another friend was denied a student visa on the grounds that the tax clearance certificate submitted by him in support of his application was "fraudulently obtained". Mind, the tax clearance certificate in question wasn't his personally, but belonged to his father's company. In support of his student visa application, he submitted bank statements from 4 banks, each showing a healthy account balance, and corresponding history of high volume transactions. Apparently, not being able to deny him on financial grounds, they came up with "fraudulently obtained tax clearance certificate". The young man has now obtained a letter from the tax clearance comptroller verifying the certificate, and re-applied, paying another Visa Application fee. They'll probably grant this one.

Yet another person was denied a visiting visa on the grounds that he deposited money into his account "suspiciously close" to the time he paid his Visa Application fee. Naturally, they failed to provide a definition of "suspiciously close". So, while he had evidence of funds to finance his trip, he failed to provide evidence of their origin, and could not therefore be given a Visa. Nice, eh? So, if you were to come into a million naira contract after years of sweating it out, and slogging away, you should wait a few years to apply for a UK Visa, so as to avoid applying "suspiciously close" to when you were finally smiled upon by God for your years of hard work.

And finally, my personal favourite, and one that doesn't simply take the cake, but takes the entire fucking pastry industry. A young lady I know wished to visit the UK on holiday. She happens to hold a respectable job at a big bank, and she's worked there for a number of years. In her case, she was told that while she had submitted print outs showing places of interest to visit in the UK, she had failed to provide a "reason" for her trip, and then, the whopper - she was further informed that while she had shown evidence of financial status vis her ability to pay for her trip, the trip would consume her savings and was therefore not feasible!!! Since when did the UK VAC become a financial advice center? And is it not customary for people to save money for vacations? I've heard people give interviews on TV and say stuff like "I always wanted to visit Australia, so I've been saving up for the trip", or something along those lines. The lady has since decided to take a trip within Nigeria for her vacation, somewhere down south.

Now, when a man who was previously dirt poor becomes a Senator or Honorable, decides to take a trip to the UK and submits personal bank statements in support of his application, you'll never hear questions like "origin of funds?" or any other bull shit. They don't want to know whether he had N20,000 in his account a few days ago, and a sudden deposit of N200 million two days to his Application would not be considered "suspiciously close". Fuck no. The Visa would be granted with immediate alacrity so he can go shopping on Bond Street for fine new suits, and spend some of our hard earned currency in their land. Indeed, they'll probably give him directions to the most expensive shops. For such people the normal rules of rejection do not apply.

I say these people are extremely lucky they do not provide these shabby services to people who have short fuses, and I don't believe they would dare run such an ovbious scam even in Ghana!

But this is Nigeria, no? The land where anything goes, and usually does.

Dear Chxta,

2007-08-04T10:05:00.001+01:00

I know you care a great deal about this fucked up country we call home, and you always have good ideas about what we can do to fix it, but the sad truth of the matter is that things will never improve unless certain persons are sent swimming to the bottom of the ocean. And, sadly, that looks like it ain't never gonna happen.

One prominent businessman, who had his fingers in the attempt to steal Nigeria's refineries, and has over 1000 trailers, would never allow the rail system to work as that would end his business. And, seeing as the said Dangot... *sorry* businessman is heavy into the government, I don't see how he, for one, would allow the improvement of the railway system. Hell, enter Abuja. Their idea of mass transit is to buy hundreds of buses. And they call Abuja a "modern city". I'll bet they always say that tongue in cheek. For, what modern city in the world doesn't have a viable and working inner city rail system? The traffic jams are growing as more and more people pour into Abuja in search of the golden fleece, and the roads are beginning to choke up. I guess the consolation is that every weekend, Abuja becomes a ghost town.

Our Igbo brothers, who have considerable interests in the luxurious bus transport business, vowed never to allow the government construct an airport at Onitsha, and the airport has truly never been built. Never mind that doing so would drastically reduce the number of senseless deaths caused by accidents, armed robberies, etc. on the east-west highway axis. My sole trip to Onitsha to date left a lasting impression on me. It was late evening, and myself, my elder brother and our dad were passing through Onitsha on our way to Port Harcourt. And what did my young and impressionable eyes see? Huge buildings on either side of a road that was no more than a dirt track. A rain-hammered dirt track. The ride through town was a rollercoaster of highs great enough to see glittering jeeps in compounds, and lows deep enough to invoke impressions of Hades. A slalom of lefts and rights, with a bit of freestyle swimming thrown in. If the French hadn't engineered the Peugeot 504 to be the meanest road machine ever built, we'd never have made it out. I wondered how people could live like that and came to the realisation that the jeeps were for the road. So, it was a case of "Nna, if you can't buy ya own jip, go an fix de road." So how, then, could this me-first mentality allow anything that would help others?

Our generator importers have vowed never to allow NEPA/PHCN work as that would end the generator business. In Abuja, the nation's capital, virtually every single traffic warden's box has been donated by a generator company, in demonstration of their prosperity. Naturally, they feel like they're giving back to the community. Never mind that the community would be better off without them. No doubt, closer inspection will show that the people behind these companies are some of the big shots in Naija.

So, therefore, my good man, how the hell is anything in this country supposed to work? How can we fix Nigeria?

Well, we could ask Ghana to borrow us Jerry Rawlings, for starters...

Policy

2007-07-13T12:20:00.000+01:00

There are those who say that a law, once made by the appropriate authority, is meant to be obeyed strictly. As a result, military decrees, edicts and what not, however odious, must be obeyed. Therefore, no matter how draconian, senseless, or downright stupid a law is, once it has been passed by whoever has the authority to make laws, it must be obeyed. For these people, the edicts of Adolf Hitler had as much legality as Acts of the British Parliament, and therefore, persons who murdered, raped, and plundered under these laws had committed no crime. So the wholesale slaughter of Jews and Russians was, in fact, legal.

A friend of mine recently expressed the view that if something is state policy, he had no choice but to obey. So, I asked him, “What if ‘state policy’ said you should kill your father?”
“That’s too personal,” was his reply. “Make it generic.”
“Ok. If state policy said ‘slap any woman seen on the street’, or ‘get a gun and kill anyone you see smiling’ would you?”
“I’d do it because it is state policy, and by acting under that policy, I have committed no crime.”

Needless to say, my jaw hit the floor with the speed of the Enterprise at Warp 12. I then reminded him that it is now established by law (he’s a lawyer by the way) that a soldier who follows an order he knows to be wrong cannot hide behind ‘orders are orders’, and this was established at the Nuremberg Trials of German War Criminals. He scoffed, and said that the Americans who organized the trials were just as guilty of war crimes for dropping nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and murdering millions of innocent Japanese citizens, but the people who gave those orders were being celebrated today. I couldn’t argue with that because I do in fact believe that the use of those nukes was as criminal as anything the Nazis did, so I told him, war crimes are war crimes, and the fact that no one was brought to trial for nuking Japan doesn’t make that act any less of one. It just so happened that, at the time, the Americans happened to hold the whip hand, and naturally, wouldn’t put themselves on trial.

Others, however, say that on certain occasions, it would be legal to disobey a certain law, if it is in fact odious. It is such men of courage who gave the rest of us hope during the dark years of military dictatorship. That was the time we had activists on our judiciary who looked for any and all means to avoid throwing in the towel to decrees. It is such men who were responsible for ordering Gani Fawehinmi’s release from prison. Gani had been jailed under a military decree, which also ousted the jurisdiction of any court to hear any case brought under it. Gani then decided to seek his freedom by reminding the court of the international obligations of the government with regard to the African Charter on Human Rights, and he was freed. The government’s lawyers argued that Nigerian law should prevail, but the judges refused, stating that it was well known in international law that no state could plead internal policies as a valid ground for failing to observe its internationally recognized and accepted obligations.

For my friend, perhaps those judges were in error, for it was indeed state policy that you could be locked up for no reason, and the courts couldn’t do a damn thing about it because the state policy in question said it couldn’t be questioned by any court. Therefore, any court which looked for means to question the law was in violation of the state policy, and was therefore wrong.

And all this came about because of a trip to the cinema. He informed me that a young boy was told he couldn’t watch Die Hard 4 because he wasn’t accompanied by an ‘adult male’. I asked if an adult female was present, and he said yes, but it would take a man to explain things about war to the lad, hence the policy. I told him that was a lawsuit waiting to happen, and he said no one would challenge it because:

a) This wasn’t America.
b) It was ‘policy’.

If the policy said the boy (a teenager, by the way) must be accompanied by an adult, I’d have no problem, but for them to specify that in order to watch an action movie, he must be accompanied by an adult male, is way beyond dumb. In fact, I’d venture to say that it zips past dumb, hammers its way through colossally stupid, and zooms into the George W. Bush Exclusive Preserve Of Idiocy without so much as a tap on the brakes. But, my friend was not to be swayed. He asked what women knew of war and fighting, and how a woman could be expected to explain to the lad that what he was seeing was not real?! I wondered if he was therefore trying to say women were either too stupid to understand the concept of CGI (admittedly complex) or the far simpler concept of acting, but I didn’t point this out. And, given the fact that my friend is not given to the consumption of kparaga of any kind, cheap or otherwise, or any other consciousness altering substances, I was truly at a loss to explain his reasoning.

Perhaps next time the lad wishes to see a romantic movie (of the PG-13 variety, of course) he’ll require an adult female to explain the concepts of romance and love, an area where adult males lag (admittedly) dreadfully far behind their female counterparts.

Gofment Of Nasional Unity

2007-07-08T13:05:00.000+01:00

It is no longer news that President Yar'adua has been reaching out to his erstwhile opponents in a bid to mend fences, and create what he called a Government of National Unity.
However, his approach leaves a lot to be desired. He's been extending the proverbial olive branch to people who would sell their grandmothers, their right arms, and their left testicles for an olive leaf. This is Nigeria for crying out loud. Politicians jumping ship is as certain as the sun rising in the morning. If I were in his shoes, I'd offer each scumbag the same thing - my natural black ass, and a bridge to jump off. But, like I said, he appears to be a decent sort. Bah. I fear he wont be any fun, unlike the greatest President Nigeria ever had. You guessed it folks - Baba. When my favourite general was in charge, he mowed down his opponents. He captured elections. Opponents simply shut the hell up and ran for the fookin' hills. He gave me stuff to write about. Not Umoru. Under this limp noodle, we may actually have elections in which votes count! What about Baba's legacy? Why does Umoru appear so determined to bite the hand that fed him until a few short weeks ago?

Umoru has even imported his peculiar brand of politics into the world's greatest party, the PDP. It is known that Baba wanted Chief Onikeke to be the new head honcho of the party, while Mr. Fix-It has been rooting for the treacherous Ken Nnamani, who was instrumental in frustrating the desires of teeming masses of Nigerians that Baba be allowed to continue beyond May 29, 2007, and thereby consolidate on the giant strides the nation took under his capable leadership. Nnamani, perhaps out jealousy or spite, chose to deny Nigerians their wish, and Baba was forced to quit the post he loved so much. Anyway, faced with this clear choice on what he should do, Umoru nominates Chief Onikeke for a ministerial post, thereby removing him from the running, and frustrating Baba's grand design. I fear there are dark days ahead for our former president. Indeed, being trapped in an infernal Lagos traffic jam for more than 3 hours may have only been the begining. Don't worry Baba, I am here for you, if you need a siren to clear the traffic out of your way, all I require is some Guinness Extra Smooth to lubricate my vocal cords. I can guarantee you'll only spend 2 hours 59 minutes in future hold-ups.

Now that you've all had your fun, down to more serious matters. The nomination of Maduekwe does indeed toss him out of the running for PDP Chairman, a post currently filled by Alli-must-go. As for the others, I am yet to lay eyes on the full list, but I have it on good authority that Baba's wishes in regard to the nominees have not been complied with.

This goes to show that Umaru may yet prove to be the Best Idea Baba ever had. And the most paniful to him personally. Who says there's no justice eh?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Morality & Moral Relativism

2007-06-12T15:14:00.001+01:00

It’s become shockingly easy these days for people to simply borrow from the moral codes of others, and toss their own aside. However, this phenomenon isn’t new. It’s been going on for a very long time.

For example, Moses was born in Egypt, and adopted by a member of the Egyptian royal family. No doubt, Moses would have considered himself to be a moral man. He would have observed all the Egyptian religious rituals, prayed to Ra, etc. Moses, however, was not an Egyptian. He was of the tribe of Israel. The Israelites had been living in Egypt for a few hundred years, and, by their own accounts, provided the labour that built the pyramids and other ancient landmarks of Egypt. When Moses discovered his true lineage, he immediately threw off the religion of his adopted family, and became what the world now calls a Jew. Moses proceeded to lead his people out of the slavery in Egypt, and into the Promised Land. Well, not exactly into the Promised Land, because he didn’t actually get there with them owing to some infraction he committed which led to him being informed that he would only see the Promised Land, but would not set foot upon it.

Along their incredible journey, Moses went up a certain mountain, and came down with the 10 Commandments. The Commandments were meant to provide his new nation with a set of laws meant to be strictly obeyed. Or else. Now, whilst living in Egypt, surely the Israelites were governed by some set of laws. I mean, there were no accounts of wide spread looting, thievery, cannibalism, etc. From all accounts, Egypt was the cradle of modern civilization. Heck, they exported it to Europe. So, Egypt was not a lawless, amoral, godless society. Some theories suggest that Moses simply copied what he knew of Egyptian law wholesale. The major addition being that for the first time in the history of written laws, a specific deity was designated for worship, and for the rest of Israel's history, every period of sustained suffering was deemed to be a direct punishment for straying from the correct (ordained) path.

Which brings me to Africa. European historians would have me believe that my ancestors were godless, amoral, and lawless. That we regularly fell upon our neighbours and devoured them, usually accompanied by a savoury soup, and washed down with some fresh palm wine. Well, if that were the case, surely when they arrived they would not have found thriving kingdoms, vast populations, etc. They would have found a collection of huts, belonging to the strongest men who were unable to devour each other.

We did have laws. For instance, and this is a personal favourite of mine, in Benin, any cock which crowed before dawn was subjected to a special punishment to ensure the offence was not repeated – it got eaten. The owner of the cock was also made to pay a small fine, in acknowledgement of the fact that while he couldn’t control his cock’s decision to let one rip, he was liable for the errant bastard’s actions. Vicarious liability, if you will. We also took our religious festivals very seriously. Unfortunately, and this proved to be our downfall, we didn’t pay much attention to science, leaving medicine in the hands of a few “witch doctors”. All of which meant that the Europeans discovered us to be easy prey for their guns, and duly colonised us, and shoved their religion down our throats.

I have a theory, and it says that even within a society of cannibals, they have law and order. One member of the society would not be allowed to kill and eat another member of that society. The priest who carries out human sacrifices definitely believes in the sanctity of human life, just not the lives of those who were not members of his own community, and therefore prisoners of war and other unfortunate strangers were fair game.

The only problem the black man had was that when the chips were down, his technology was inadequate to deal with that of the European aggressor. Unlike the Japanese, who remain the ultimate role model for European handling. The Europeans demonstrated some gun boat diplomacy, and then left rifles with the Japanese to demonstrate their superior technology. Upon their return in about a year, not only were they presented with a few copies of their own rifle, they were also presented with an improved version. As a result, the Europeans were unable to run riot through Japan as they had done in Africa. The result is that the Japanese retain their cultural identity to this day. They do not look askance at someone praying to Buddha, because no one ever had the chance to drum it into their heads that praying to Buddha was “pagan”. If anything, the Japanese absorbed western technology, especially western weaponry, and once they believed they were ready, took on the nearest European superpower in the shape of the Russians. Whom they proceeded to thoroughly thrash in a brief and bloody naval war, leaving the rest of Europe slack jawed in awe and horror.

After their defeat in World War II, it was thought that it would take several decades for Japan to rebuild its economy, during which time America would be free to have its way with her. The speed at which the Japanese rebuilt their nation stunned the world, and again, they owed their success to their ability to assimilate and then improve existing western technology. The fact that American auto makers have been swept aside by the Japanese invasion is proof of that ability.

In Nigeria, what do we do? We take western technology, then do our level best to preserve it in its original state, or simply let it rot. We do not make any attempt to absorb or improve what we’ve been given. Our laws reflect a world that passed at least 5 decades ago, our schools teach theories that have been long abandoned, our police force uses equipment that would have been state of the art in 1878. The list could go on and on.

The Japanese took the technology, and tossed the religion. Look at them now.

Men, Mice, And Cheese

2007-05-04T16:23:00.000+01:00

Often in life, there comes a time when a man is expected to stand up and be counted. To prove he is a man and not a mouse, to show some backbone, some steel in his character, and what not. It is true that most men run away from such moments with their tails firmly tucked between their legs. But, every once in a while, one man decides to stand up and bare his teeth in a fierce response to the challenge. Such men are rare, and the act of standing up usually creates legends. Indeed, a man who stands up to be counted usually inspires others around him to do the same. They draw from his courage to feed their own, and thereby he creates a chain reaction. Such men are to be found in times of great adversity for their people, and they usually lead their nations to greatness.

Sadly, we are lacking such men in Nigeria. This is not to say that there are not those among us who display remarkable courage and moral fibre in the snake pit we call our political class. Senate President Ken Nnamani is such a man. During the Third Term brouhaha, Sen. Nnamani displayed courage in ensuring the entire constitutional amendment process was transparent. Those who sought to perpetrate crimes against the Nigerian people under the cover of darkness suddenly found powerful light shone upon their criminal activities. Repeatedly, they pleaded with the Senate President to switch off the light and allow them continue, and he repeatedly reminded them that he had no such power – the Nigerian people wanted to see what was going on, and by God, he was going to make sure they did. With no place to hide, the third term advocates failed woefully to extend Baba's tenure. Naturally, Baba never forgave Nnamani for thwarting him, and resolved to embarrass him should he decide to seek re-election. Nnamani avoided that trap with great skill – he simply declared that he had no intention of running again, thereby denying Baba his pound of flesh.

During the last vote allocation exercise laughably called an election, Nnamani again showed he was on the side of the masses by speaking out against the conduct of the elections, and Baba's henchmen were quick to hurl insults at him for doing so. When Baba sought to extend the emergency rule in Ekiti State, Nnamani immediately reconvened the Senate and blocked that plan. Incandescent with rage, Baba's people began accusing Nnamani of treason. Treason! For doing his constitutional job. Nnamani has taken all this with admirable equanimity. A lesser man would have been quick to exchange words with Squealers like Frank Nweke Jr. Nnamani rather chose the higher path, and Baba's boys are still wondering how to deal with him.

Nnamani has been a true hero of Nigeria's modern history.

Prior to Nnamani, during the 1993 Elections, Henry Nwosu, then Chairman of the National Electoral Commission, also showed his heroic credentials. When he was ordered to stop releasing the results of the Presidential Elections by Maradona, he refused, and continued releasing results until his office was sealed off by soldiers. But for his bravery, M.K.O Abiola would not have known that he won the elections, and he would have had no basis for the fight for his mandate which would eventually cost him his life.

Which brings me to Maurice Iwu. A true rat among mice. He made all the right noises initially, gave some of us cause to hope. He promised to lay down his life to ensure we had credible elections, and Nigerians resolved that if he matched his stated ambitions with action, he would have our unflinching support. Some cynics told us that Iwu was being primed to fail, and no one should place any trust or hope in him. I told myself that that was said about virtually every new government appointee, and joined those who felt Iwu should be given a chance. Besides, aren't some cynics just optimists in disguise? Boy, were we disappointed. I took Chxta's advice about elections seriously – I registered to vote, something I've never bothered to do in the past, and was looking forward to participating in the electoral process, and getting a first-hand view of proceedings. But from that point onwards, it was all downhill. First of all, I never got my voter's card on the same day as advertised, but was told to return the following day. In spite of repeated visits to the registration point, my card didn't turn up. Eventually, I took the matter to a friend at the INEC Office, and was told that “perhaps” my card had ended up somewhere beyond Mararaba. I live and work in Wuse, registered to vote in Wuse, how the hell did my card end up in what is effectively Nassarawa State, with a “perhaps” attached? The bureaucratic process involved in retrieving my card would have made a saint hopping mad. Thus disenfranchised, I duly sat out the elections fuming with anger.

Throughout the gubernatorial elections, I was glued to AIT, and the reports of late arrival of voting materials, non-arrival in several parts of the country, thuggery at polling stations, etc. made me despair. The cynics were being proved right. Then the results began coming in, and I finally gave up. PDP here, PDP there, PDP everywhere. From that point on, I knew I had to accept the painful truth – the cynics were right all along. The most massively unpopular party in Nigeria was being given a clean sweep of seats everywhere. The Delta State results literally numbed the muscles of my jaw. Everyone knew Emmanuel Uduaghan had less than a snowball's chance hell of winning that election, yet he was being declared the winner by such an extravagantly comfortable margin.

It made me wonder about the nature of power and men. Prior to the elections, Maurice Iwu sounded like the man for the job. I hoped he would draw from the courageous examples of those around him, men like Nnamani and Nwosu, but as the elections got closer and closer, Maurice began saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things. He began setting off alarm bells amongst all pro-democracy people in the country. INEC suddenly transformed itself into the mouthpiece of the PDP, and Maurice became an extension of Baba.

Now that he's “delivered”, I have only one question for Professor Iwu – did they pay you in silver or cheese, you rat f***?

The Devil's Advocate

2007-04-26T16:18:00.000+01:00

Fellow Nigerians, the elections have come and gone, and contrary to what detractors of this great administration would have Nigerians believe, they were a resounding success. The meticulous planning and attention to detail of Prof. Maurice Iwu came to the fore as the venerable Professor oversaw an election that raised the bar for future INEC chairmen very high indeed.

Fellow Nigerians, it is an open secret that from the onset, the commission was plagued with logistics and human resources problems. These problems were met head-on by Prof. Iwu, who displayed all the savvy of a general on the battlefield. The professional government critics among us, instead of proffering solutions, or at least joining hands with INEC to ensure that the elections were successful, chose to go about town proclaiming that INEC was being positioned to deliver a tailor-made result to the ruling PDP. These people have now been put to shame.

Fellow Nigerians, it is no secret that this year's elections were fraught with problems, and indeed, an election in Nigeria would be incomplete without the usual cases of thuggery, attempted ballot box snatching, etc., but what made this year's elections stand out was that Prof. Iwu foresaw and made provisions for handling such recalcitrant individuals. Those who attempted to snatch the peoples' mandate were duly given a taste of the long arm of the law at its very fiercest. As a result, the area boys learned quickly that this was one election where the rule of law would reign supreme.

Fellow Nigerians, INEC sought to prevent a known crook in Vice-President (how it galls me to call him that) Atiku Abubakar from contesting and tarnishing our great electoral process with his presence. The Supreme Court ruled that INEC had no such power to restrain Atiku, and INEC immediately complied with the judgement by making sure that all ballot papers to be used in the Presidential Elections carried Atiku's picture, and the logo of his party. INEC had indeed often stated its readiness to comply with court judgements. As for the Supreme Court ruling, all I can say is that the situation is similar to a police officer arresting a thief red-handed only to be told to release him because he had no power to arrest such a crook. Indeed, the decision of the Court was better in the end for Atiku and his “teeming” supporters, as he was allowed to contest a free and fair election, and was resoundingly trashed at the polls. Nigerians voted, and they said in a loud voice that they did not want Atiku to rule this nation. That the man has been crying foul ever since the results were announced only shows the fundamental flaws in his character. A real man, a man of integrity and honour, such as Atiku has claimed to be, must be one who knows how to lose with dignity.

Fellow Nigerians, the situation in Imo state was also particularly interesting for INEC. The PDP substituted the name of its gubernatorial candidate in Ifeanyi Ararume with that of a person deemed by the party to be better suited for the job. Ararume went to court, and secured a judgement declaring him to be the rightful candidate for the elections. INEC immediately demonstrated its willingness to comply with the judgement, but alas, the PDP decided to expel Ararume, and withdraw from the race. Unforeseeable logistics and human problems however, forced INEC to cancel the elections in Imo state and reschedule them for the 28^th of April. Of course, the naysayers are out in force, declaring that the postponement is merely a ploy by the PDP to buy some time to produce a candidate for the elections. This is preposterous in the extreme.

Fellow Nigerians, everywhere people lost in these elections, they have cried foul. This attitude cuts across party lines, and is truly saddening. Why is it that some Nigerian politicians have refused to learn how to take defeat with grace and dignity? I know it hurts to lose, but the endless posturing and shouting is shameful.

Fellow Nigerians, the international observers were greatly impressed with what they saw of the elections and praised Prof. Iwu for his courage, administrative skill, leadership, and organisational ability. To a man they proclaimed these elections as a watershed in the history of electioneering in Africa, and urged other nations to take a page from our book. High praise indeed, especially coming from the same quarters that were so critical of the 2003 elections. Prof. Iwu can bow out with his head held high for he has laid down a foundation to be built upon in future.

Fellow Nigerians, we must now prepare to move forward – we have a President-elect in Umaru Yar'adua, a man of quiet strength, moral integrity and financial probity, who is ready to build on the great work of Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, and take our great nation to the next level. This is not the time for petty recriminations and blame trading. If we look to the so-called “advanced nations” of the world, we will see that the elections process was not invented perfect. There were flaws, which were worked out over time, and gradually minimised, but not eradicated. The election of President Bush in 2000 showed that even America, the most advanced democracy in the world, still had problems with it's election process.

Fellow Nigerians, I strongly urge that we all join hands to help in moving our nation forward.

Long live the Federal Republic Of Nigeria, and God bless you all.

And, by the way, if you actually believe the general thrust of this article, you need help.

Seriously.

Truth Will Ouch

2007-03-22T17:07:00.000+01:00

Well, well, well.

The intrigues, visits to the Villa and so on have all floundered finally. Atiku can now hold his head up high and claim he has been vindicated. For the most part anyway. The Senate Panel set up to review the report of the PTDF investigating Committe has tossed, thrown, and discarded the planks on which Obasanjo had built his campaign against Atiku, Adenuga and Fasawe. The Panel has said:

1. The money deposited in ETB had no direct link to any business involving Globacom.
2. The money deposited in TIB had no direct link to any business involving Fasawe or NDTV.
3. And, here's the screamer, even the $20 million dollars was gotten from Atiku by deception.

Atiku was basically, a dope. Of course, he couldn't be allowed to waltz off into the sunset, so they made sure he'd be facing the Code of Conduct Bureau. If I were in Turaki's shoes, I'd be hopping mad with delight. By virtue of these findings, the EFCC Report has been stripped of whatever toga of respectability it claimed, and must now parade naked as what it truly is - a comically inept hatchet job by a vindictive president.

Adenuga can now return home in peace, although, if Ghana is half what people say it is, he might just choose to relocate his family and business there, so he can live without fear of Ribadu sending in a battalion of policemen to kick down his doors and smash his windows.

Fasawe has been vindicated also, for the Panel said there was nothing to link him to PTDF money. Of course, the officials of the bank should face some sanction for repeatedly "loaning" vast sums of money to a man without collateral, all because he was a friend to people in power. This money worshiping attitude of banks needs to be checked.

Now, on to President Olusegun Obasanjo. The General-who-never-fires-blank must have been wondering exactly what kind of ammo he left home with this morning. Who knows, they might have been blanks. For, suddenly, Baba has found himself indicted by the Senate for illegal application of PTDF (public) funds. That shouts corruption louder than anyone could ever try. So, what the Panel has found is the very same thing many have maintained for a long time - Baba is a corrupt man. Of course, Uba Sani has been quick to brand the report a "calculated smear campaign" and accuse the Senators of not taking Baba's "explanations" into account. He also claimed the projects lampooned were within the "broader" scope of the PTDF's mandate.

Abeg, Mallam, explain how incorporating a private company with public funds falls within the PTDF's "broader" mandate. Or the purchase of computers for civil servants, when there are provisions for that within the Federal Budget each year. Or printing photographs for the State House Library. What have these to do with Petroleum Technology?

The fact that Baba had to go and get retroactive approval for these things from his boys at the FEC simply showed there was no public spirit in his actions.

The Senate Panel has finally given Nigerians the truth, and all Baba can say is:

YEEEOOWWW!!!!

Baba's Election Campaign

2007-03-19T11:57:00.000+01:00

When George Bush Sr. decided to run for President of the United States in 1988, he had the full and unconditional support of then President, Ronald Regan. You see, George had been a loyal and capable Vice-President for 8 years, and had stood by his oga throughout the vastly embarassing Iran-Contra mess. He was even responsible for deflecting some of the heat from his boss by saying, "I know we've made mistakes, but let's not throw out the baby with the dishes." (As you can see, it does run in the family.)

So, when he decided to take over from his retiring boss, Ronnie threw his full weight behind him. Regan could be seen at campaign events, holding George's hand up high, and telling America that this was their man. Hell, Regan even appeared on his behalf at events George couldn't go to in person...

Of course, that never happened. The American people would have screamed blue murder if affairs of state were left to suffer in the name of Campaigning. But that's America, and dem too get mout sef.

I know that in Naija, we do our own a bit differently, but from the way Baba has been acting recently, you'd be hard pressed to argue with anyone who said Baba was campaigning for re-election or something. If you pointed out to such a person that Baba was constitutionally barred from running again having already served two terms, the person could easily counter by pointing out that only a man seeking office for himself could campaign so energetically.

NEPA or PHCN is in a state of total collapse, all across the nation, trade in candles and generators has boomed to unprecedented levels, but Baba doesn't care because he's in some place or the other telling people to "vote" for Yar'Adua.

Refineries are not working, but Baba is campaigning, if the Cameroonians invaded today, they'd probably be able to capture Baba because he's somewhere around Bayelsa, campaigning.

When the rumors that Yar'Adua was dead began flying around like hungry mosquitoes, it was Baba who personally debunked the rumors by calling Yar'Adua from Ogun state to enquire about his health, live on TV. Baba was, of course, dressed in the colours of the campaign organisation for the day.

The country is ailing because all Baba cares about now is installing his puppet successor.

P.S. In what Chxta has rightly described as a masterstroke, Baba gave Turaki full and unfettered access to the Presidential Jet to fly abroad for knee surgery. Coming at a time when most Nigerians were still fuming over Umaru's rushing abroad for treatment after "collapsing" at a PDP rally, it gave people a chance to say that Umaru and Turaki are birds of the same feather. It was a move of which Maradona would have been proud. I must doff my cap to Baba for his brilliance.

Politricking and the EPCC

2007-02-19T14:16:00.000+01:00

So, some people named by the Uncle Nuhu's organisation the EPCC (Economic and Political Crimes Commission) have been cleared by Baba's new "Administrative Panel of Iniquity". Nuhu has not apologised to those besmirched by his wild accusations however, and continues posturing like a gladiator in the Arena.

If Nuhu were an honorable man, he would since have tendered an unreserved public apology to the innocent men whose reputations he may well have scarred for life. As Chxta pointed out, certain names were conspicuous by their absence, not least those of Lucky and the Sheikh. Perhaps it's because they have wisely decided not to contest any other office, at least for now.

It is, however, a collective backhand on the intelligence of Nigerians (whose faces have perhaps been numbed by the sheer number and velocity of slaps they've recieved down the years) to suggest that there was nothing political about the now infamous list.

Not only did it serve to distract candidates from their campaigns, it also served to cast some doubts as to their credibility to the general public. Of course, most (if not all) will shrug and carry on with their lives as though nothing untoward happened, but I would really love one of them to sue the S.O.B. for defamation of character, slander, etc. (As long as he was one of those cleared, of course.)

We know Baba has declared the elections to be a do-or-die affair, in complete disregard for the climate of live-and-let-live that others have been trying hard to promote, and we know that when Baba sneezes, Nuhu catches Bird Flu. We then have to wonder what comes next. What will Baba pull out now from his formidable bag of tricks? A white elephant, perhaps? Or, failing that, a pig with wings?

On Orji Kalu's interview, my internet connection is pretty useless, so I've been unable to watch it, but if he suffered some man-made grammatical misconceptions in his deployment of the Queen's lingo, we should try to understand that just like Sir Shina Peters said, grammar no bi money.

Abeg, Orji-nwanem, no mind all dis jelos pepol. Meanwhile nna, if you wan sen sometin kom, my akount numba na....

That EFCC List

2007-02-12T13:47:00.000+01:00

Hi there folks. Been a while, I know, but I've recently become a statistic and am still trying to come to terms with that. In case you were wondering, the statistic is Unemployed Nigerian Youth. Well, being from the Niger-Delta, I believe we all know what my options are... Ehem.

Anyway, Baba, the great man, wonderful leader, general-who-never-fires-blank, and all-round tough guy, recently ordered Uncle Nuhu to release a list of 137 "corrupt/unfit-for-public-office" individuals and there are no prizes for guessing who tops the list. That's right, Turaki is our numero uno criminal. The fact that the list screams "witchhunt" in 30 metre high letters is no deterrent to Baba and his cronies.

Take Ondo state for example. The man contesting the Senatorial seat with Iyabo, who has never held any public office by the way, is on the EFCC list. When they interviewed Baba's new Fani-Kayode on Channels TV this morning, he said you didn't have to hold public office to be corrupt, and in fact, the list was drawn up based on petitions recieved by the EFCC. Hmmm... Petitions. Not concluded investigations. Petitions. Right. So, if I were to send in a petition about say, Bode George, his name would make the list, no? Wait. EFCC already did investigate and indict Bode George, but strangely he hasn't been arrested. Baba did promise there would be no sacred cows. Perhaps Bode George is a sacred goat then? You never know.

It is also no surprise that Papa Decieve Pikin had the largest number of corrupt individuals on the list, something like 58 names in all. Clearly therefore, Baba's list has shown Nigerians that his party is in fact the most corrupt in Nigeria, and by extension Africa. (PDP is the "largest party in Africa" according to its statisticians.) How this man can then ask Nigerians to vote for PDP with a straight face beggars belief.

While I would dearly love to know just how Turaki made his money, and I also know that he wont be President come May 29, I think we should all be grateful to him for making sure that Baba wont be President beyond May 29.

As for those who say Yar'adua is a weakling and will only do the bidding of Baba, all I have to say is this:

Give a rat eba, and he will ask for a bowl of soup with bushmeat and stockfish, and cold beer to wash it down.

Merry New Year

2007-01-10T15:06:00.000+01:00

As I write this, my year of suffering is drawing to its inevitable conclusion - we shall be required to, for the last time, put on our itchy uniforms and stand in the blazing sun while some government assholes harangue us from their comfortable seats and shaded pavilions with hackneyed speeches about how best to serve our nation now that we are no longer compelled to do so. They will then give prizes to the best brown-nosers, boot-lickers, snitches, finks, and ass-kissers. Then we will be ordered to sing the anthem one last time, and merrily tossed to the hungry, droolingly anticipating maws of the Nigerian "job market".

Of course, with my days of being a Federal government pikin coming to a close, my banker takes time out from his busy schedule to send me daily reminders that there shall be no more credit, slack, etc. The last note even mentioned that I should note that I would no longer be allowed to stroll into his office without an appointment. Frankly, the harassment is getting old. I've enjoyed this line of credit for more than 2 decades now, and have provided free services to the man on a personal level for almost as long. Perhaps Uncle Nuhu has been sniffing around his office, and he's getting nervous, but even so the amounts involved are puny. I can only hope to give him solid reasons to keep our arrangement open as it would be extremely difficult to get another "understanding" banker at this point in time.

Over the Christmas/New Year period, I got to understand exactly how soldiers feel when walking in sniper-infested areas. My voice changed several times between December 20th and January 8th or thereabouts as I had to simulate several nasty throat infections, colds, coughs, etc. in order to explain my "shocking" failure to provide Christmas presents for some members of the fairer (but not weaker - and I most solemnly urge all men to abandon that idea) sex who were under the impression that somehow, somewhere, they had been given the title Deed to my wallet.

The catfight/muckraking/mudslinging between Turaki and Baba reached interesting proportions when Turaki arrived the National Assembly and turned the tables so securely on his traducers that all Baba's collective spin doctors could do was mumble something about Turaki lying under oath while looking like snakes trying desperately to swallow several boiled eggs at once.

Funsho Williams' widow won the Lagos State PDP primaries only for her victory to be snatched from her amid statements that a "Lagos man" was needed to give PDP a chance in the elections. (Hilda Williams hails from Rivers State, in case you were wondering.) Once again, the issue raised wasn't whether or not she had a chance to win the state, and I wager she'd have given her opponent a massive fight with the sympathy votes she would have garnered over the as-yet (and probably never-to-be) unresolved murder of her husband, but rather that she wasn't an indigene of the state. I wonder how we are ever going to build one Nigeria with this kind of utter nonsense going on.

Anyways, to those who travelled, I say welcome back, and to those who, like someone-I-will-not-name ended up seeking warmth in the interior of a refrigerator, I say the cold won't last too long.

Have a happy 2007 all, and may it actually bring us happiness.

It Is A Rat Race Time

2006-11-27T17:18:00.000+01:00

Scientists have long understood the value of rats in conducting their experiments. Rats:

1. Don't have a union.
2. Don't complain about hours of work.
3. Swallow whatever they're given without complaint.
4. Work for cheese! That's right. Chesse!

Anyway, the list could go on and on, but today isn't about the value of rats to the scientific community, however misleading the opening paragraph might have been. In a way, though, it is about the value of a certain kind of rat to a certain kind of scientist. (For the purpose of this thesis, we shall hereinafter refer to the rats as Maradona, Turaki, or Fine-Boy etc., and the scientist will simply be called "Baba".)

Now, anyone who has ever spent time watching the Discovery Channel will see how rats are put in a maze with cheese at the centre, and then have to find their way to the cheese in the shortest possible time. And, while it may be fun to watch, it also serves a valuable educational purpose in that it shows that the rats can actually learn the maze, and the one that proves the smartest is usually upgraded to the testing of potentially dangerous medicines for the betterment of mankind. We can't have an army of smart rats running loose you know.

Anyway, Maradona collected a "form" a couple of weeks back, and in keeping with his time-honored tradition of keeping everyone guessing, has refused to state exactly what office he would be contesting. This has led to numerous column inches in the papers speculating that he'll be going for the Presidency, we might all be surprised, and he'll declare for dog-catcher.

Turaki has continued his valiant fight to clear his name/triumph over his enemies/humiliate Baba (take your pick) and duly declared for the Presidency. The logo of the party he would be contesting under was, however, conspicuous by its absence. Some people had suggested he would be declaring for the Aksion Congress *koff* *koff* *wheeze* Sorry, dust from all the broom waving. I duly pointed out to them that Turaki, while not a very subtle fellow, was hardly a foolhardy one. Declaring for a party other than People Deceive People would see him impeached and a guest of Uncle Nuhu in record time. He didn't disappoint me. The first Independent Candidate, anyone? Anyone? Bah, you guys are no fun.

Fine-Boy-No-Pimples, or Fine Boy for short, also threw his hat into the ring after much Julius Caesaring around the issue. Despite his "overwhelming" support, however, all his pretty boy looks can earn him is a spot as some other guy's mate. Not that kind of mate. Sheesh. Get your minds out of the gutter.

The Doctor of Thuganomics has been flexing his muscles, but after claiming from every rooftop he could forcibly commandeer that Baba was the only one for us, his campaign seems rather hollow to me. Even though he has gone to the trouble of putting up billboards on virtually every junction in Abuja.

Obong has...Obong is... Obong will.... No need.

Anyway, which brings us to the Ringmaster of this particular circus, the General-who-never-fires-blank, Commander of all Garrisons, and all round tough guy, Baba. What more could I say about this guy? Every time you think he's pulled the ultimate stunt, he tops himself. The way he's handled this particular sequence of events must have even Maradona (no slouch himself) fairly swooning in admiration. The Voters' Registration machines aren't nearly enough to go round, we have soldiers in every state capital waiting for the other shoe to drop, every Governor walks around terrified of his own shadow, and we are all waiting to see whose head rolls off the block next. In the midst of all this, Baba continues clearing his throat (could someone please suggest he see an ENT Specialist?) and assuring us everything dey kamkpe.

Anyway, the rats have been released into the maze, some more handicapped than others, and we're all watching to see which one gets to the cheese first, if he'll get to enjoy it, and more importantly, whether Baba will even let the race begin.

On The Verge Of History?

2006-11-15T18:24:00.000+01:00

With ol Jorge's boys being kicked out of the Capitol by a fed-up American Electorate (far too late in my humble opinion), it was understandable and indeed expected that a huge sense of reilief and euphoria swept the globe. A major part of the revolution in Washington is that Congress is set to get its first-ever female Speaker. Naturally, this development has provoked joyful choruses from oppressed womenfolk the world over, who see it as a stepping stone for a first female President of the United States.

Even with this in mind though, I was sorely underprepared for the the back page of This Day on Saturday, November 11, 2006 which contained an article titled "On The Verge of History". Not only did the piece claim that women were better at delivering results, setting goals, etc. than men, it went further to claim women were better leaders than men, period.

I'm no chauvinist (which would normally mean I am) and I'm truly all for womens' rights, but before the bra-burning brigade dismisses all men have done with a wave of the hand, let me chip in my two cents for my maligned species. Yes, men have been responsible for many major disasters, and have led humanity to the brink of extinction on more than one occassion. However, many of the worst have had women vociferously cheering them on.

Sani Abacha had Maryam on standing ovation duty, Eva Perron (forget Madonna's version) gleefully bragged about her collection of thousands of pairs of shoes while the poor in her country starved, Eva Braun was there to massage Adolf Hitler's temples whenever the pressures of trying to enslave the world threatened to overwhelm him, and Marie Antoinette was immortalised, then beheaded (or was it the other way round?) for her statement that if the poor couldn't afford bread, then they should eat cake! The list could go on forever.

Conversely, I suppose Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, and Jesus Christ must have been women in drag, such were their leadership skills.

The funny thing is this - whenever women begin spouting their demands for equality and so on, they tend to draw the line when it comes to paying for dinner and the movie. They'll insist to the death that those are "men's jobs".

Women already wield far too much power in the world as it is. For, while we learned to run fast, climb trees, ride bikes and so on all in a bid to use our physical prowess to impress girls, they were being taught to use subliminal imagery and psychology to control us. Which is why all the muscle in the world won't stop her from wathcing that sappy romantic movie while your football match is on. And when she demands you sit beside her and forget about the Champions League/World Cup Final, you'll mumble and mutter then plonk your ass down on the couch and beg for popcorn with an idiot grin on your face. Yet they're asking for more direct power.

And they call us "power hungry"?

A Day In The Life

2006-11-03T10:19:00.000+01:00

7.00am: Eyes wide open. Tony and the boys sing "You're simply the best." Feel like Prince Akeem.

7.30am: Bound out of bed, and immediately regret rash decision. Back screaming blue murder. Tony and the boys immediately by my side singing "The world's greatest." Must put brave face on.

7.45am: Start shaving. Tony and the boys sing "You are so beautiful."

8.30am: Shave done, time for shower. Tony and the boys sing "You and I."

9.30am: Bloody cold water. Anyway time to see what I approved for airing on NTA last night. Will enjoy with cup of cocoa from farm. Tony and the boys sing "You're the inspiration."

9.35am: *splutter* What! Another crash? Kemaaaaaa! Kemaaaaaa! K.... (Looks down) Oh, there you are. Take that out of your mouth for a second. Why aren't you at your ministry? I removed you? When? So Borishade is in charge now? Ok. Get him for me. Tony and the boys strike up tune of "You're a heartbreaker." Silenced by royal glare.

10.00am: Prominent Nigerians dead in crash. Must remember to smear alligator pepper under eyelids. Oh for the days when onions did the trick. Tony and the boys sing "You light up my life." So difficult to stay mad at them...

10.00am: Ah, the kpomo has arrived. Time for breakfast. Tony and the boys sing "You take my breath away."

10.30: Stroll around Villa, practising speech. The words all sound rather familiar though... Tony and the boys hum "Without you."

12noon: Done with speech practice. Throat hurts. Tony and the boys sing "You are my heaven."

1.00pm: Time to read back page of This Day. Tony and the boys sing "You are the sunshine of my life."

2.30pm: Done reading. Head hurts, eyes blurry. Time for power nap. Tony and the boys sing "You give me love."

4.00pm: My, how time flies. Must rise from couch. *sniff sniff* Lunch is ready. Tony and the boys sing "You are my destiny."

4.50pm: Deliver speech. Strange stony silence from crowd. Why is the hall empty, and what the hell is that box staring at m.... Oh, I'm in the studio.

4.50pm: Tony and the boys share congratulations on brilliant speech, sing "You are my number one."

5.00pm: Time to sign some State of Emergency Declarations. I told them to arrange these things in alphabetical order. Don't they know Ebonyi comes before Anambra?! Tony and the boys sing "We can last forever."

6.55pm: Done signing declarations. Had long debate with self over Declaration for Abuja. Nasiru has done such a fine job so far... Tony and the boys sing "You can do it."

7.00pm: Time for light snack before dinner. Hear the cook is making pounded yam with egusi and plenty kpomo. Must remember to leave space. Tony and the boys sing "You are wonderful."

8.30pm: *belch* Snack was great. Time for dinner. Tony and the boys try to sing through full mouths. Cut them short with scowl.

10.00pm: Dinner was just fab. Time for bed. Oga Tony Blair is having his hair cut tomorrow morning. Can't afford to be late for the party. Tony and the boys sing "Unchained Melody." It's good to be King.

The Giant Strikes Again

2006-10-27T09:51:00.000+01:00

In my university days, I earned the nickname waka waka for I enjoyed taking leisurely strolls around campus. Especially at night. So, whilst my more serious colleagues were either in class, or resting from the days exertions, or out working off the stress in the clubs, I strolled.

I particularly enjoyed walking around from 11pm onwards for at that time, vehicular traffic would be at a minimum, if not non-existent, and I would have the freedom of the roads. Why, would a young man spend his time walking around instead of reading his books, you wonder. Well, I had to keep the old Legediz Benz tuned up, and thanks to the walking, my odometer has crawled around to zero several times.

At Camp, not a few people thought I would keel over during the Endurance Trek. As a result, the vast numbers of slack-jawed persons watching me not only trek, but jog in some instances, was truly priceless. As a friend put it, they were witnessing the “eight wonder of the world.” At the end, I got several pats on the back from people who said they couldn’t handle the trek and they thought they were in shape.

When I moved into town, and discovered the wonders of okada, I put my Legediz Benz away, and began using it like any luxury vehicle for short trips only. It was truly delightful to travel long distances on a bike for as little as 60 bucks in some cases. I actually enjoyed taking bikes because I no send anibodi. But, as they say, good things never last. Like Al Pacino, just when I thought I was out, they've pulled me back in. For Nasiru "the Giant" El Rufai in his infinite wisdom, has banned okada in Abuja.

That in itself wouldn’t have been a bad thing, if there was a credible alternative. Nasiru promised us buses to rival those in London, but failed to deliver. He promised us taxis, but his own would tie you down and shave your head bald with a piece of broken glass if given the opportunity. His “London Cabs” often cruise the streets empty because no poor man can afford their outrageous fares. And the private taxis have seized the opportunity to jack up their fares.

But these are hardly the only problems. Bikemen knew every single street, crescent, close and road in Abuja. If you were looking for a street in Garki for instance, all you had to do was enter Garki and ask a bike to show you the way. Not so with cab drivers. They don’t know jack shit, and they’re as likely to take you to Suleija as drop you in Wuse. A bike would take you from Apo to Wuse for 80 – 100 naira, but with a drop, it would cost you anywhere from 250 – 350 buckaroos and if you enter "Green Cab" na you know o! And when your father hasn’t spent the last 20 odd years of his life with his arms and legs in the public till, your pocket definitely feels the squeeze. Another angle many commentators have failed to look at is the impact of this ban on Baba’s Poverty Alleviation Scheme. Many of these men were encouraged, and in some cases, railroaded into taking loans of upwards of 50 grand to purchase bikes and employ themselves. For many, this was the sole means of supporting their families. Now the Giant has taken away their jobs, their means of repaying these loans, and their means of supporting their families.

I’ll grant that some of them could be real menaces, but is a ban the only way to solve the problem? What ever happened to re-education programmes, safety training, and so on? They could have created a Motorcycle Bureau, taxed each okada 50 naira a day for operating in town, and used that money to monitor and inspect them. There were hundreds, if not thousands, of bikes in town. This could have raised, hypothetically, 100 grand a day, and that’s thinking small. It could have been made mandatory for okada riders to wear safety helmets, reflective vests and so on. But, we have a lazy government, one that would rather bury its head in the sand than solve the problems of the people. Besides, who elected el Rufai anyway. Yep, the man never had to stand before people and ask for votes, and the National Assembly members who’re supposed to be watching him are all in his pocket.

The other day, a radio presenter said the ban was a good thing because it would make us all fit, and raise life expectancy in Abuja to 90 years. Had he been close by at that time, it would have taken an entire Mopol Battalion to get me off him.

If anything, the stress has increased, and the frustration on the faces of the people has deepened. Traffic jams have become a daily sight on Abuja roads, and people now have to trek long distances in the hot sun just to get to a bus.

Public transportation is not a service governments provide with a view to making a profit. Rather it is considered part and parcel of the social contract between the government and the people, as a social amenity.

And, since Nasiru is hell bent on copying everything from London, why doesn’t he bring the Tube over next? Oh wait, that would actually cost money and ease people’s lives. Silly me.

Gods, Generals and Garrison Commanders

2006-10-23T17:31:00.000+01:00

Watching recent events in Ekiti State, one cannot help but wonder if the principal actors are flesh and blood mortals like the rest of us. For, with each passing day, they act with more flamboyance and arrogance than any of the characters that graced the court of Zeus at Mount Olympus.

Governor Fayose had his bases covered initailly- his good friend was the CJ, he had friends ready to be empanelled to "investigate" him, and the allegations would be rubbished. True to form, the first panel, returned a verdict of not guilty with a speed that would make Superman slink off in shame muttering, "Speeding bullet Okereke-Onyiuke's ass." (And believe me, my friends, that is some ass!)

But before the Governor could return to his office in truimph, an enraged Speaker had tossed the CJ out on his ear and installed a new one, who set up a new panel to hear the allegations. This time, the panel returned a verdict of guilty on all charges with such alacrity that it erased the record set scant days earlier. Fayose and his deputy were declared impeached, and the Speaker sworn in as Acting Governor. If there was some way to harness whatever energy they're using in the Ekiti State House of Assembly, Nigeria could yet win the Space Race. (Minister of Science and Technology, are you listening?)

With the tables turned on him, Fayose pulled a Houdini. Some claimed he was in Ghana, others said he was in London. Of these claims, the latter was the most easily discounted for as our elders say, "When the lizard in front falls into a pit, those behind take caution." And, given the wide berth our governors have been giving London since the travails of Alams, it would appear we all have the same elders.

Anyway, some said Fayose would soon reveal himself to the "shame" of his enemies. And soon, he did. The man issued a statement that he was still the governor, and was on vacation (in hiding), and his deputy would take over until his return. She soon marched on Government House, and entered her office, and had photos taken to show that she still "dey kamkpe".

Well, seeing as matters had gotten out of hand, Baba decided to step in with his cure for all manner of civil unrest - a declaration of a State of Emergency in Ekiti state, since in the words of PDP Chairman Ahmadu Alli, Ado-Ekiti is a "garrison t..." Sorry, that's Ibadan. Ah what the hell, they're both in the South-West, abi? Anyway, the troops have moved in to restore calm, and preserve law and order, and so on and so forth. Fayose is still nowhere to be found, and with the EFCC reportedly actively looking for his hide, I would suggest he stays wherever he is.

At this point I would like to make a suggestion for Baba. Perhaps Baba should create a special "State of Emergency" Battalion or Division within the Army. Baba could ensure that the Commander is rotated out while the men remain the same or vice versa. This way, when next Baba declares a state of emergency anywhere in Nigeria, we all could rest assured that the men in charge have the requisite experience in governing bloody civilians, and altercations will be kept to the bare minimum. This is especially important since Baba made short work of all officers with "political experience" he met within the Armed Forces when he took charge in 1999.

Like I said, it's just a suggestion.

National Unity

2006-10-20T11:40:00.000+01:00

Almost every nation on earth at one time or another will go through an internal crisis which threatens its very corporate existence. The Americans (who shall serve as my prime example) had their Civil War, the French had their Revolution, various African nations have gone through civil wars, and even the English went through a phase where the King was as likely to be beheaded as crowned.

For Nigeria, the period from 1967 - 1970 will forever remain our darkest hour, for that was when "brother turned on brother" and we experienced our (only, I hope) Civil War.

For the Americans, their Civil War was about the southern farmer demanding his "right" to have his very own niggers picking his cotton while he lazed in the shade on his porch. Fortunately for black men everywhere, the south lost.

However, in the aftermath of the war, the issues leading up to it were faced squarely and strongly tackled. It was ensured that never again would any part of the country declare it "had no inheritance in the house of Jesse", and never again would American soldiers lose their lives in such vast numbers on their own soil. The south was fully reintegrated into the country, and all sins were forgiven. Today, the "vanquished" south can lay claim to both having produced more United States Presidents and being the deciding factor in American Presidential Elections than the "victorious" north.

Now, before certain persons try to transplant that last sentence, let me make one thing abundantly clear: At no time (and I stand to be corrected) in the history of American politics has the main issue revolved around whether a man born in Oregon can be allowed to contest an election in Florida when his parents are from Nebraska. Or the state of Vermont demanding its "turn" to produce the next President.

Nigeria's Civil War actually began shortly before Independence, on the day when Nnamdi Azikiwe stood for, and won, a seat in Lagos. Obafemi Awolowo was so incensed by this "victory of a stranger over a son of the soil" that he hounded Zik out of Lagos. Thus chastened, and awoken to the harsh realities of his country, Zik returned to the then Eastern Region with the statement, "There can be no One Nigeria." Not that he was calling for secession at the time.

Well, with Awo telling the Igbos to contest elections only on their home patch, the Hausas soon decided to give the Igbos the boot as well. For, if the Yoruba man declared the Igboman to have no political mandate in "Yorubaland", then why should the Igboman have an economic mandate in "Hausaland". Thus began the pogroms. Having been told by their brothers that they would not be allowed to enter their father's parlor, the Igbos decided to move to a new compound.

When the war erupted in 1967, the Federal Government was quick to deploy the slogan "One Nigeria" as its rallying cry. The Biafrans were bombed, blockaded, and starved into submission. With the war over in 1970, the PR Department went into overdrive. "No victor, no vanquished" was another choice slogan deployed by the government. The government initiated schemes to foster national unity such as the NYSC and the concept of Unity Schools.

36 years on, these schemes are yet to make any impact. The NYSC has been severely undermined (some say it should be scrapped altogether and replaced with one year of compulsory military service) with people refusing to accept postings to far north states, and vice versa, while the Unity Schools have been systematically looted and underfunded by the Government. And, true to form, rather than tackle the problem of corruption among the administrators of the schools, the Government is taking the cheapest and, most cowardly, way out with talk of "privatizing" them. This is, of course, in the keeping with the spirit of the IMF Poison Pills our rulers are bent on having us swallow.

Nigerians basically don't trust each other, and the stereotypes listed here are just the tip of the iceberg. As Peter Pan said in his book "The Complete Nigerian", it would not be unusual to hear Nigerians referring to each other as being from different countries. Which is actually true for the Bini, Oyo, Kanem-Bornu, and other Empires that existed here prior to the arrival of the British were as distinct from one another as England is from France. We were cobbled together as a nation by our colonial masters, and for good or ill, a nation we must remain. I do not subscribe to the "let's-all-go-our-separate-ways" slogan that some have touted. And I have no desire to take part in another Civil War. We do have problems, but we must solve them as a nation. As separate entities, our once weaker neighbors, and indeed the rest of the world, will be able to pick us off at will.

Whenever I think back to what happened in Lagos between Zik and Awo, I'm tempted to weep, for that was truly a golden opportunity to build a united, strong nation, and it was thrown away without a backward glance, or even a forward look. For, without that one colossal error in judgment, I could today run for office in Kano State without being told to "go home", while my brother could run for office in Imo State without being called a stranger. Then we could do like the Bush brothers, and he'd help me rig the election in his state so I could become President.

Is it too late for us? Not yet, but if we don't act fast, it might soon be.

Religious Intolerance

2006-10-16T14:14:00.000+01:00

My good friend, Chxta, has spoken at length on this particular subject, and he has been vilified, castigated, chewed out, spat on, and promised an eternity in hellfire for his views. I’ve known Chxta since we were yea high tots. He is not controversial by nature, but he does always speak his mind. Regardless of whose ox is gored, whose chicken is run over, or whose cow was given to Mai Suya.

I was not baptized at an early age. In fact, it took full adulthood for me to become a “practicing Christian”. I did not begin attending church until my second year in the University. And I wasn’t Baptized or Confirmed until Law School. (Ja, I’m Catholic.) My old man had this weird policy: in matters of religion we were to be totally free to make up our own minds. As such, he told us we wouldn’t be forced to go to church if we didn’t want to, and we wouldn’t be forced to stay home if we did. My mother, herself a staunch Catholic, accepted this decision. As a result, while most other kids had to spend their Sundays going through interminable church services and utterly boring Sunday school replete with floggings for failing to recite the Ten Commandments properly, I spent my Sundays doing pretty much whatever the hell I wanted. Some are already shaking their heads at this terrible way of bringing up a child in the “path he should follow.” The thing is though, I wasn’t just given any old weed-threatened path to follow. The man gave me a 10-lane expressway complete with functioning street lights.

While my father didn’t put much stock in religious education (he never went to church, and still doesn’t go unless physically dragged on account of some special occasion or other) he did imbue all of us with a strong sense of right and wrong, and an annoyingly solid foundation of principles. He wasn’t overly strict with us, but if we screwed up, we sure as hell knew it. I learned it was wrong to steal, lie, and cheat, to respect my elders, and honor my father and mother, etc. without being told that these were orders from God. Rather, I learnt that some actions were wrong because they weren’t the right way to live. These principles are so strong, they stay with me to this day. The result – I can’t get a girl drunk and take advantage of her, and I couldn’t find it in myself to jump on the 419 bandwagon. I could have been a millionaire by now. Damn him.

Of course, we had CRK (Christian Religious Knowledge) in school, and I made an A in the subject in my WAEC. Did this mean I was a good Christian, subconsciously? Hell no. It just meant I was a rather smart student. But the fact that I could make an A in the subject while living an actively “pagan” lifestyle minus booze, weed, and women (they would come later) merely shows that I didn’t have to go to church to be able to answer questions about the Bible, and give correct quotations from it.

To wit, Christians and Muslims are God’s children. My proof – when Sarah found that she still couldn’t conceive, she told Abraham to take her servant and knock her up. Imagine that fellas – your wife telling you that not only is it okay for you to sleep with the housegirl, but that you’re permitted, nay ordered, to knock her up into the bargain. Wow. Abraham (strong man that he was) duly did knock up the housegirl, and she bore him a son named Ishmael. The housegirl then began carrying shoulder for her madam because she’d given oga a male child when madam couldn’t. Silly girl. She grossly underestimated the power of incumbency. In double quick time, she’d been kicked out along with her son, and sent into the desert. When they were on the point of death, God sent his angel to her, and he opened up a well for herself and her son to drink. Also fulfilling God’s promise to Abraham that he would father many nations for Ishmael’s descendants can be found in Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Oman etc. Ishmael's descendants also constitute the vast majority of the Muslim population in the world today. And, since the world generally accepts the first-born theory, Ishmael’s descendants hold the rightful claim to being Children of God.

Which brings me to all the “Muslims-are-going-to-hell-and-so-are-you” people Chxta has had to contend with.

Consider this scenario: As a missionary you are sent to a remote village, where no one has previously carried a Bible into. On arriving there, you’re told a certain man just died. While he was alive, this man was a paragon of virtue. He never stole, told a lie, cheated his business associates, took another man’s wife or land, was generous to a fault, would give you the shirt off his back if you happened to need it more than he did, and generally observed what you call the Ten Commandments. Would you tell the villagers that because this man had never heard of God, he was destined for hell? I put this question to a certain “Born-Again Christian” (BAC) and she said yes- the man was on his way to hell. I beg to differ. If God truly sees all things, and knows all things, then a man who lived his life in accordance with the Ten Commandments even though he’d never heard of them, would certainly not be on his way to eternal suffering for being a good and principled man. If he’s not allowed into Christian Heaven, at least he’ll be sent to Valhalla. And that is on the assumption that there is segregation in Heaven, which I seriously doubt. This BAC held on to her views, and began machine-gunning Bible quotations at me to back up her claims. However, when I lobbed a few quotations from the same Bible in her direction, she fired the BAC standard response at me – “even the Devil knows the Scriptures.”

It is my firm belief that no matter what religion you practice be it, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Sun Worshipper, or whatever, it is the ultimate height of arrogance and indeed ignorance to insist that whomsoever doesn’t kow tow to the same faith as you do is bound for damnation. Nobody knows where he or she will end up. Granted, it would appear on the surface that Muslims are much more prone to violent reactions to any denigration of their religion, but for those willing to cast their minds back through history, the Crusades were about Christians trying to force others to their religion. Colonialism, a crass rape of other people’s natural resources and subjugation of their freedom, was carried out under the banner of “taking God to the Godless.” As one writer famously remarked, “They took our land and our freedom and gave us Bibles.” No doubt the early sermons were all about turning the other cheek. Galileo was excommunicated by the Church for daring to insist that the world was round and orbited around the sun. I think most people have heard about the Spanish Inquisition. And, if that trip through history is too far for some people to take, cast your minds back to Waco, Texas, and the Christian fanatic who caused hundreds of his followers to end their lives via mass suicide. Timothy McVeigh, who carried out the Oklahoma City bombing, was a Christian. The white men who shipped our millions of our people off to work their cotton fields in the “New World” were good Christian men. The men who fire-bombed black churches in the southern United States were Christians. The men who hung black men from trees were Christians. They waved their Bibles freely to show that their actions were sanctioned by God. Adolph Hitler was a Christian. George W. Bush, a man who has plunged the world into previously unimaginable chaos is a Christian.

Hell, had “The Da Vinci Code” been written some centuries ago, Herr Braun would have since confessed to giving Eve the apple, convincing David to go out to his roof to see something interesting, and wielding the spear at Christ’s crucifixion, amongst others. Then he would have been barbecued. (There are some who insist that he be given that very treatment even today!)

Clearly, Muslims do not hold the monopoly on extremism. Yes, many are touchy about their religion, but who isn’t? And the fact that some of them resort to violence and back it up with quotes from the Qu’ran doesn’t mean they’re all that way. I’ve met Muslims who quote from the same Qu’ran to show that Islam is a religion of peace and brotherhood.

The other day I read on a Nigerian’s blog that Arabs were “murdering sand niggers.” That fellow has my undiluted pity for his is a mind so shallow an ant wouldn’t drown in it.

We live in a complex, complicated, dangerous, and, sometimes, downright crazy world. We will always have our differences, quarrels will always flare up, but if we can’t or won’t learn to live and work together, perhaps whatever God we individually pray to is already shaking His head in regret.

Confusion Break Bone

2006-10-14T19:43:00.000+01:00

Fela (the inimitable) once sang about 'double wahala for dedi bodi'.

We've certainly had our fair share of elected (selected, imposed...take your pick) rulers behaving like first class twats in this country, but I think that never in history have we been cursed with such a bunch of greedy, clueless, dunces in our political class. As a lawyer, it is doubly painful that our judges are everyday showing they have as much spine as an amoeba colony.

The current comedy playing itself out in Ekiti State bears witness to this. When the State House of Assembly asked the Chief Judge of Ekiti State to set up a panel to investigate the allegations against the state governor, Ayo Fayose and his deputy, they couldn't have had any idea that the panel would be made up exclusively of the beleaguered governor's friends, contract beneficiaries and family members. Talk about a jury of lions trying a lion for the murder of an antelope. The Panel swiftly cleared the governor of any wrongdoing and the State House of Assembly went apeshit.

They suspended the CJ and installed a new one who immediately set up a new panel to hear the same allegations. I'm not going to bother quoting from the Constitution as my colleagues who will besiege the national dailies with articles on the same matter will no doubt do. I will say, in layman's English, that the SHA had no authority to do what it did. Granted, the sumbitch had allowed the governor get off scot-free, but there are proper channels to take in handling such recalcitrant fellows.

Now, the governor says he's been cleared, the suspended CJ says he's still in power, the Chief Justice of Nigeria has condemned the suspension, lawyers are spitting fire left right and center, and the poor continue to suffer. To my mind, Ayo Fayose is no better than an illiterate, two-bit tout who was lucky enough to kiss the right asses during the 4/19 elections of 2003. He is living proof of the adage 'You can take the man out of the motor park, but you can't take the tout out of the man' or something along those lines.

Should the new panel indict the governor (which it will) then we are set for a very long night.

For a state which boasts the highest number of professors per family in the entire country, they're sure behaving like a bunch of morons.

dedi bodi get accident. double wahala for dedi bodi.

Rumble In Aso Rock

2006-09-28T18:20:00.000+01:00

Like most of my countrymen, I have watched with increasing alarm the downright spiteful attitude our Vice-President, Atiku Abubakar has taken towards our beloved, internationally respected, highly decorated war hero and President, the man we fondly call Baba, Olusegun Obasanjo. Atiku has shown utter disrespect to the man who brought him into government. When the issue of constitutional amendment came up, Atiku not only went against his principal, he resorted to threats against those who sought to exercise their right to freedom of speech and to vote according to their conscience. When he tried to hold a potentially violent demonstration and the Police duly broke it up, he repaired to the premises of one of his co-conspirators against the people where he told blatant lies about Baba. He said Baba did not want to leave, and in fact, had hatched his plans several months in advance. All that meant was that Baba is a visionary, for he saw that his people would demand that he carry on. At the Public Hearings on Constitutional Amendment, we, the people, duly and resoundingly asked for Baba to carry on as our leader for as long as he saw fit. One stupid man waving a piece of paper he called an injunction could not stand in our way. We wanted Baba, and made our wishes clear. When Atiku saw that his bid to stop Baba at that point had failed, he resorted to all manner of lies and untruths. He claimed he had been harassed by agents of Baba. He pointed to changes in his personal staff as an example of the said harassment. Please, Mr. Vice President, Baba only acted out of concern for your safety. Then Atiku somehow managed to convince the AIT (a previously respectable news network) to assist him in his plans to subvert the will of the people. It was so bad that AIT refused many appeals from the National Assembly to take their cameras out of the chambers to allow the Honourable members conduct their business in peace.

Now, with Baba having exposed Atiku for the greedy, morally bankrupt and corrupt individual that he truly is, one would have expected a man with a shred of honor left in his black heart to simply admit his guilt and resign his high office…

I can’t go any further. My ribs are aching badly. I think I need an x-ray.

The mud wrestling match between Baba and Turaki so far has been of truly epic proportions, so much so that I've been waiting to see Vince McMahon pop his head round a curtain and say, 'That's a wrap, good job guys.' Woody Allen couldn’t have scripted a better comedy than this, and Charlie Chaplin (rest his dear soul) couldn’t have performed in a better one. I can hardly wait to see the Dailies each morning. Baba has opened up a barrel of toxic worms, and he forgot to wear his bio-hazard suit. Because, if this is his best shot, then it is a colossal embarrassment from a so-called tough guy. A two-day old baby could hit harder than this. Now, before anyone out there calls me an Atiku man or some similar bull, let me make myself perfectly clear: I am nothing of the sort. I simply call it like I see it and, personally, I believe Atiku is most definitely NOT clean. But, if this is how Baba planned on taking him down, he's got another think coming.

When I heard of an EFCC report of the Veep, I expected to see all the sordid details of his deals at the BPE revealed. I expected to read how he managed to sell Nigeria's crown jewels to himself and a few greedy friends. I expected the full details of the scam that was the 8th All Africa Games. I expected to read about crude oil lifting, fuel importing, millions of dollars gone missing, etc. Instead, what do I and millions of other Nigerians get? A limp, soggy, and quite frankly, pathetic noodle of an EFCC report that was probably dictated by Baba to Nuhu Ribadu in council.

A six year old reciting by rote couldn’t convict Atiku of anything based on this particular EFCC report. If Baba and Nuhu Ribadu are saying that all they have to hang their case on is a single disbursement of 125 million dollars from the PTDF, and they expect Atiku to be barred from contesting the 2007 polls on that ground, and have in fact tried to see to it that he is through what I can only call a Cockroach Panel made up of Baba’s loyal supporters, then they should please make public the name and phone number(s) of their igbo supplier.

Atiku must have laughed his head off when he read their report, and he has since swatted away the allegations with contemptuous ease. He has gone further to turn up the heat on Baba and his friends by raising, once again, the issue of the EFCC report on the 53 Billion Naira fraud at the NPA under Bode George.

It is public knowledge that Baba sat firmly on the report (not once but twice) to protect his good friend and party colleague. For the same man to come out and say the investigation of Atiku stems from his “zero tolerance” policy for corruption simply beggars belief. Sounds like the very picture of Zero Tolerance.